MATT: Welcome to tonight’s episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons & Dragons TRAVIS: We play Dungeons & Dragons! MATT: Nice try. Before we jump into tonight’s game, we have some quick announcements to get through. First and foremost, we have our fantastic returning sponsor, for the second year now with this campaign, our friends at D&D Beyond ALL: D&D Beyond! SAM: Hi! (clears throat) Little tickle in my throat, sorry. Hi guys! As you all know, I am a bit of an amateur inventor. This is no news to you guys TRAVIS: That’s total news SAM: Some of my most notable inventions have been the pet hot air balloon, the smell-over-Skype plugin, and of course the Nintendo Virtual Boy But this new one I invented for our friends at D&D Beyond. It’s an invention that I made– LAURA: Oh god SAM: I call it the D&D Beyond Merciri. It’s all the organizational power of D&D Beyond in a tricked-out smart speaker, with a helpful voice that some of you might recognize. I’ll demonstrate it for you right now, guys, okay? Merciri, what’s the best way to organize your D&D characters and campaigns? MATT: (VO as Merciri) “That’s simple. It’s D&D Beyond.” SAM: Hey, see, it works! Merciri, tell me about the halfling race MATT: “Standing three feet tall, halflings are adept at hiding, avoiding conflict, and have remarkable luck. They are a typically happy race, sort of the opposite of goblins. Ew, goblins Goblins are super gross. Seriously.” SAM: Okay, Merciri, cancel. Merciri, who’s the best player on Critical Role? MATT: “Accessing data. The answer is Travis Willingham.” TRAVIS: (triumphant yelling) SAM: Okay. That’s fine. Merciri, who’s the smartest player on Critical Role? MATT: “Taliesin Jaffe. He has 4000 years of knowledge.” SAM: That’s true, that is true. Okay, fine Merciri, who are the top three cast members on Critical Role by popularity? MATT: “Number one, Travis Willingham. Number two, a tie between Marisha Ray, Laura Bailey, Ashley Johnson, Liam O’Brien, Taliesin Jaffe, and Matthew Mercer. Number three, Maxwell James.” (laughter) SAM: Okay, he’s not in the cast. There’s some bugs. Fine, Merciri, could you please list the most handsome male cast members, with a beard, who are not Taliesin, Liam, or Sam? MATT: “Wil Wheaton, Khary Payton–” SAM: Fuck you. Wait, can you do that list one more time, Merciri? MATT: “Wil Wheaton, Khary Payton, Will Friedle, Marisha Ray.” SAM: Yeah, so she doesn’t even have a beard, Merciri MATT: “It doesn’t matter. She’s an amazing, talented woman and she should be on every list.” SAM: That’s true. Okay. Merciri, roll a d20 for me MATT: “You rolled a one.” LAURA: Aww SAM: Merciri, roll another d20 for me MATT: “You rolled a one.” SAM: Fuck you MARISHA: Merciri, roll a d20 MATT: “You rolled a natural 20.” SAM: Oh my fucking god! TRAVIS: Burn it down! SAM: Well, I guess it’s back to the drawing board, guys. Let’s wrap this up: Merciri, could you tell the people where they can find D&D Beyond? MATT: “Just visit dndbeyond.com, or, if you don’t have a computer, just tweet your D&D-related question directly to Matthew Mercer’s Twitter account. He promises to respond to you within three hours.” SAM: Okay, thank you. Thank you, guys. Look for this in stores soon LAURA: Fabulous MATT: Thank you, Sam SAM: And thank you, Merciri LAURA: That sounded just like Matt! That is so weird SAM: It did! I’m a good inventor! MARISHA: Is this because of the Facetime error? TRAVIS: Wow LIAM: Splice it all together MATT: Thank you, Sam, and thank you, our friends at D&D Beyond. We kicked off our second season of Between the Sheets this past week with our fantastic friend Logic, Bobby. It was a great interview. You can check out the VOD at youtube.com/criticalrole, and we’ll be chatting next monday with Quyen Tran, which is our wonderful Sam Riegel’s wife. The amazing, accomplished director of photography for all of television and film, and a genuine badass. You’ll watch it and be like, “Sam?” And you know what? He’ll agree (laughter) TRAVIS: True MATT: But yeah, so check it out. It’s 7:00pm Pacific Time at twitch.tv/criticalrole
SAM: I’ll be in the chat saying, “I know, right?” The whole time MATT: Laura, you have some merch updates, I believe LAURA: Oh, do I! You guys may have noticed, right here, on one Sam Riegel, the beautiful Whispered One– ooh, look at those pecs! SAM: I’ll do the Travis thing, ready? LAURA: I think the shirt enhances them LIAM: The nose hole is right in his sternum! LAURA: Ooh, beep-beep-beep. This is designed by Lauryn Ipsum, who also designed the cover on the artbook, if you might have noticed. That’s in the store right now. I mean, is it in the store right now? Hold on, it might just be preorder. It’s in the store right now! You guys, in the UK, it’s going to the UK on February 21st, I think, or the end of February, something like that. Speaking of February 21st, the other thing I need to tell you about is our art prints that are on pre-order right now. Can we bring out Vox Machina? SAM: No, we have them here? MARISHA: Bring them out! LAURA: This is our beautiful– SAM: Whoa! LAURA: I know! SAM: It’s bigger than everyone LAURA: These were designed by Matteo Scalera and Moreno Dinisio, and they’re phenomenal SAM: Is there another one? LAURA: Yeah, well, there’s also– SAM: Oh shit! LAURA: Wait for it TRAVIS: Be careful with it, don’t rush it! Don’t rush it, it’s too nice! LAURA: No, but this one is super unique SAM: We’re taking this one to Kinko’s later to make copies LAURA: Yeah. (gasps) The Mighty Nein! You can order these for pre-order in these kind, and also signed versions are available as well. Those are being on pre-order until February 21st at midnight, 11:59pm Pacific Time, that’s our time LIAM: Matteo is a mad genius SAM: He’s really good LAURA: I mean, they’re gorgeous. These are on really nice art paper. You guys may remember our David Mack art prints that we did. It’s similar paper. It’s actually even nicer paper than it was before MARISHA: Yeah, it’s not slicky poster paper; it’s– LAURA: Badass. Yeah. I love you, and that’s what’s available in the store. As well as other things, you know TRAVIS: Can we get copies of that after the show? LAURA: Maybe. Oh, and, you know, you can go to our US shop at shop.critrole.com, and our UK shop, shop.critrole.co.uk. Dot…nothing else, that’s it MATT: Thank you, Laura. Final announcements tonight. This is an important final announcement: we’re actually taking a week off from Critical Role next Thursday, February 7th, and Talks Machina will also go dark that Tuesday, February 12th. We’ll be back on Thursday, February 14th at 7:00pm Pacific with Critical Role, so we’ll see you guys then. I believe that’s it and all, as far as the announcements are concerned TRAVIS: No! Not ready! MATT: That being the case, it’s time to jump in to tonight’s episode of Critical Role [water bubbling] [thunder] [explosion] (chanting) Role! Critical! Role! [dramatic Critical Role theme] LAURA: Roll the dice! (singing) The adventure begins, they were always beside you, your nerdy best friends, and the DM to guide you. And they rise from the flames for the battles ahead Villains beware ’cause you’re about to be dead ASHLEY: (singing) They got magic and flair, they got falchions and cunning. They don’t see over there there’s a monster incoming. Inspiration is waiting, rise up, don’t think twice. Put your fate in your hands, take a chance, roll the dice! (chanting) Role! Critical! Role! ASHLEY and LAURA: (singing) Can you answer the call? Diggin’ deep in your soul as the legend unfolds. Now it’s your turn to roll! [fire burning] MATT: And welcome back (laughter) SAM: I love it when you abandon it halfway through the word TRAVIS: The laziest bail! Wow
MATT: I salute you, Laura Bailey MARISHA: Not even ten seconds TRAVIS: Crash and burn MATT: So, last we left off, the Mighty Nein had found their way back from the Menagerie Coast to check in with some friends and the general chaos brewing, based on the conflict between the empire and the Kryn Dynasty. Upon traveling, making your way towards the city of Felderwin, a city involved with Nott’s history, you discovered that this apothecary that had burned to the ground belonged to a male halfling, who has now gone missing, and discovered that Nott had a little boy After learning about Nott’s history, learned more than that. You learned that Nott at one point was indeed a halfling. Through a vengeful plot by the goblins that stalk the southeastern regions of the empire’s Marrow Valley, she managed to help her family escape, but was drowned and then reincarnated by some sort of a hooded power figure that had an alliance with these goblins, it seemed. Brought back as a goblin and has been living as such for the better part of two years now Upon asking around the city and getting some information, you discovered that the husband of Nott, or Veth, if you will, has been apparently taken by the Kryn, and had some involvement with his alchemical studies with the Cerberus Assembly and this study of dunamis. You acquired a few objects from a subterranean basement laboratory that was mostly trashed, apparently in the razing of the city You then decided to go and inspect the tunnels where these Kryn emerged from. One of them apparently was still somewhat intact. Deciding to not be balked by a sheer wall of stone and rock, Jester proceeded to twice Polymorph herself into a dire honey badger and burrow her way through hundreds and hundreds of feet of rock, emerging on the rest of this uncollapsed burrowed tunnel of a large worm creature they had used to attack, without warning, the city of Felderwin As you, the Mighty Nein, had made your way beyond that boundary and began to step into this subterranean cavern system, stalking and seeking the path that these individuals took here, beneath the surface, we begin tonight’s game. First off, how would you like to prepare? What is your marching order? Let me know what your plan is now, going in to the sheer, dark underground beneath the Marrow Valley TRAVIS: I love it when you can hear the DM’s frustration in the retelling of the story LAURA: Going, like, you guys are being really stupid MATT: Not frustration TRAVIS: No! TALIESIN: I would like to know which one of you is hitting the rotating knives first, is what he is– MATT: They’re not knives LAURA: Maybe it’s not the smartest idea for us to do this, is all TRAVIS: Yeah, maybe we should just leave. What do you think? Pack up and go SAM: But my husband TRAVIS: Mm SAM: We spent three months searching for your backstory (laughter) TRAVIS: I’m good. Y’know It was only a joke, Nott, sorry Terrible timing. We should push on SAM: I hear in Xhorhas, they have a captain there who has lots of eyeballs that you can ingest into your body TRAVIS: Really? SAM: Yes TRAVIS: Lots of eyeballs? SAM: Lots of golden eyeballs that you can put in your belly TRAVIS: Sounds like a magic place. This fucker TALIESIN: I just figured that out, okay. Not even kidding SAM: All right, what are we preparing? MATT: Well, first off, a marching order. These tunnels here can range between brief bits of cavern and open chambers to following this carved worm tunnel, which is about ten feet wide and is cylindrical. You can have at most two people shoulder-to-shoulder going through each place. I would like to know, for the majority of this journey– and tell me when you want to change it up at any point– I want to know what your marching order is, traveling through here TRAVIS: Who has the best darkvision, I would imagine. We should have– MARISHA: I have put on my goggles, for sure TRAVIS: I have 60 LAURA: I have 60 as well SAM: Me too, but I’m not very perceptive LAURA: I am decently perceptive; how about you?
TALIESIN: I’m very perceptive, but I can’t see in the dark LAURA: Oh, no! Really, Caduceus? TRAVIS: The two clerics do not go shoulder-to-shoulder TALIESIN: No, we should probably keep a little bit of distance LAURA: I’ll stay next to you, Fjord, in the front MARISHA: Can octopuses see in the dark? If you do the facemask thing? LIAM: That’s not happening here. He is a cat. No, but I have this rag over one of my– it’s dim, but maybe you and I can stand near the middle TALIESIN: I’ll stick with you. All right MATT: We have Caleb and Caduceus towards the center MARISHA: I guess I’ll go up front TRAVIS: Well, you got shitty darkvision. Oh, but you got the goggles. And who are you with? Nott? MARISHA: No one’s called a partner yet SAM: I’ll go with you TALIESIN: Also we should probably have Yasha up front as well LAURA: Good call TRAVIS: Darkvision for Yasha– TALIESIN: Probably not MATT: Go look TRAVIS: 60 feet MATT: There you go. Yasha and Beau at the front Behind that, Caleb and Caduceus. Who’s behind them? LAURA: I think it was going to be me and Fjord at the front. Are you perceptive? TRAVIS: Decent MATT: So Fjord and Jester at the front. Then, Nott, you’re taking the back? SAM: I’m with Marisha– I mean Beau. Wherever she is MATT: So then where’s Yasha? LAURA: Yasha can be at the back SAM: Yasha’s in the back. Sorry, Matt MATT: Don’t apologize. It’s okay, we’re figuring this out LAURA: Will Nugget fit by Yasha? MATT: Okay, yeah, if you would like to have taken your– LAURA: Where else will I put him, you know? TRAVIS: I don’t know, maybe outside of the tunnel? Back at the place where we were? LAURA: Where would they stay? MATT: I don’t have the mini on me at the moment I can do that at the break. However, as you’ve worked out your grouping, traveling through these tunnels, you go on for an hour, two hours Those at the front, which would be you two, I’d like you both to make a perception check, please TRAVIS: I will give you advantage MATT: So you’re helping TRAVIS: Helping, yeah LAURA: Okey dokey That would be 19 MATT: Keeping a watch as you guys progress, the faint perpetual decline goes deeper and deeper beneath the earth. The rushing sounds of the underground river that seems to be walking alongside this passageway slowly fades as you see the river now pass beneath stone, the cavern come to an end, and the entrance of the next portion of the tunnel where the worm creature had to burrow into this chamber. There are natural pockets of cavernous areas here, but a lot of them aren’t connected except for by this particular burrowed tunnel. So that’s probably going to be the path you’re going to be looking for wherever you’re traveling LAURA: Okay. I have a question, you guys. I’ve got this super-secret dodecahedron thingy in my bag that Yussa specifically said that we should not be bringing near anything and stuff, and now we’re taking it right to the source. Do you think that’s a bad idea? TRAVIS: Well, as a bit of clarification, I think we weren’t supposed to use it, right? Anything that would activate it and send off energy. I think as long as it’s in the other dimension that is her bag, it’s okay, right? LAURA: Right, unless they capture me and flip my bag inside out, and then they have it, yeah TALIESIN: It would still be in a big metal case until they really went through LIAM: Yeah, but we need to weigh the risks we are facing, and Nott’s husband SAM: Where would we put it otherwise? LAURA: I don’t know LIAM: There are also people behind us topside who’d kill us for this, as well SAM: Where’s the tripod and stuff right now? LAURA: It’s in my bag as well. I’ve got the whole setup going TRAVIS: You’ve got the gun and the clip The only way they’re going to grab it and turn it out is if most of us are dead, right? LAURA: Right, and we’re only fighting an entire army of soldiers, so it probably won’t happen that we will die SAM: We don’t know that. It might be very nice there LAURA: That’s true. Yasha, you think it’ll be nice? MATT: Yasha stares ahead for a moment and goes, “Having been to places like the coast, “it’s not very nice.” SAM: Let’s just make sure you don’t get captured and your bag doesn’t get grabbed TALIESIN: No harm in focusing on the positive TRAVIS: That’s right TALIESIN: Nothing we can do about it MARISHA: So we’re going to come to a conclusion later, maybe? SAM: We’re just looking on the bright side of things TALIESIN: We can’t make a plan until we know what we’re up against
LAURA: That’s true LIAM: If we are lucky, we will overtake them before we return to their home TALIESIN: And if they’re too much, then we’ll just get what information we can, maybe sneak in while they’re sleeping, and scurry out with what we need with no harm, no problem MARISHA: I have no idea what we’re talking about TRAVIS: Let’s push forward LAURA: What’s in this pocket o’ cavern? Anything cool? MATT: Rolling your perception, you don’t see anything aside from the natural formations There’s the smell of hard water and wet earth that permeates the entirety of this chamber, and continuing on for quite some time. The natural chambers and pathways here are chained together by these tunnels, but within them, it doesn’t look, from anything you’ve seen so far is lived in. You don’t see signs of any other creatures making homes or nests. You do see bits of quartz-like crystal forming from gathered minerals over time TALIESIN: I really like it LAURA: Yeah, it’s pretty MATT: A series of stalactites and stalagmites that find their way through the– see? Thank you guys, for your help LAURA: T. Top MATT: Yes. Just keep giving me suggestions. Really figured it out. It’s not condescending at all LAURA: Are there footprints on the ground? MATT: Make a survival check TALIESIN: We did find some earlier MATT: Yeah, the previous tunnel LAURA: 15? MATT: Yeah, based on looking at the ground here, which is mostly packed dirt and general loose pieces of pebbles, and things that were pushed and ground around by the creature that made its way through the area. In its wake you can see familiar footfalls, similar to the shape that you’d previously seen that didn’t match the rest of the crownsguard and/or the Righteous Brand that existed in the vicinity of Felderwin. You do notice the trail, the tracks, of the Kryn warriors that had exited, and it does lead and follow the burrowing path of the worm LAURA: How big of a trail is the worm thing? Is it like this? Is it like this? MATT: It’s about ten feet wide. Eight to ten feet wide LAURA: Cool! So we’re fighting these guys and a giant worm creature that is ten feet in width, so he’s probably kind of long TRAVIS: Probably. And we’ve got lots of room to maneuver in these caverns SAM: Are you scared? LAURA: I mean, I’m not going to lie, Nott. I am a little bit nervous MARISHA: I think I would be a little more confident if we had a vague idea of a plan? Don’t get me wrong, super down to fly by the seat of my pants. That type of girl. But sneaking in, killing people in the middle of the night, two armies, fight, getting captured– these all sound like real big stories LIAM: I have a question for you, Jester. You know how you have just turned yourself into the oversized honey badger? LAURA: Yeah LIAM: Could you do that to a giant worm, but, say, turn it into a cow? LAURA: Well, yeah, remember what I did to– Oh you weren’t– Remember when I turned that dragon into that little thing? That’s what I could do to a worm, I guess. I did that to the dragon before you came in, you know, when we almost died LIAM: Ja. Rather than trying to whack away at a gigantic worm, maybe you just make it harmless, but not so little that it loses its new form LAURA: Good call TALIESIN: Like a goat, maybe LIAM: Yeah, a goat LAURA: Yeah. Or something maybe like a sparrow or something, so it will fly away MARISHA: I like that better. Goats are weird Square pupils SAM: Or a firefly. We could catch it in a jar LIAM: I think something small is likely to get smacked and taken out of its newer form. It would need to be something that could take a bit of punishment LAURA: Like a dire honey badger LIAM: Like that. Or a cow SAM: See? Look, Beau, we have a plan MARISHA: Encounter worm– SAM and MARISHA: Turn into a cow SAM: Profit TRAVIS: You know, dire honey badgers got claws and stuff. Maybe a dire sheep LAURA: Ooh, that’s good, I like that, Fjord TRAVIS: Yeah, anyway MARISHA: I think they still have square pupils TRAVIS: It’ll hit you in the moment. I got a feeling TALIESIN: Is that true? LAURA: Also, though, I can’t do that until we sleep, but I don’t think we’re going to run into them today, right? Because they’re probably really far ahead of us, because they got a two week lead?
TRAVIS: Totally TALIESIN: Stop laughing, DM. That’s not funny MATT: No, roll a nature check TRAVIS: What are you rolling for? SAM: Yeah, just roll a nature check. It’s fine LIAM: Everybody’s doing it TALIESIN: That’s an eight. My nature sucks MATT: You have no idea if sheep’s pupils are square TALIESIN: Okay, thank you. I didn’t need to roll to know that MATT: All right TRAVIS: We press on MATT: You push on? What little light you have shoving back the darkness, via the dull orb that Caleb is carrying in the center of the heart of your traveling troupe, you leave that first winding cavern and begin to continue down the burrowed hallway created by this worm. It stretches on for a mile, two miles, five miles MARISHA: Can I keep a lookout to see if there’s any markings on the walls? Any signs of directional type of code or language? While we’re walking MATT: Sure. Make a perception check LAURA: Traps, too SAM: Traps? No, they wouldn’t think anyone would be following them. They covered up the thing with 200 feet of earth and rocks MARISHA: 19 MATT: Walking along, the things you do notice is the stone and earth seems fairly smooth, the way it’s pushed through, but getting up close you can see tiny little scrapes or hooks, where you gather is probably how the creature manages to break through and push its way through, through expanding and contracting muscles within its long body, and these spine or scale-like protrusions that dig in and pull it along rather quickly underground. Beyond figuring out the locomotion of this entity, this creature, you don’t, along this part of the journey at least yet, see any signs of purposeful markings, essentially. Continuing on for the next five to six hours, still following this tunnel, starting to get a little tired TALIESIN: At some point we do need to rest LAURA: I wonder if there’s another big pocket o’ cavern coming up, or if we have to sleep in this little tunnel? TRAVIS: I forget what time we entered into the tunnel. What time of day was it? MATT: If I recall, it was somewhere around midday, a little after noon TRAVIS: We could push on for another hour or two, but we really should– TALIESIN: Mr. Caleb, what time is it? LIAM: Well, I will tell you MATT: I’d say at this time, it’s probably close to dusk on the surface. Fucking feat TRAVIS: You fucking feat LIAM: It’s in the book MATT: I know it’s in the book! SAM: We’re in the bored-out tunnel that the worm made, right? There’s no water near us, because we passed water on the way in MATT: You passed water in the first cavern that you went through. That lasted for maybe about a mile or so. The bulk of it weaving through where a lot of the water passing through that river carved through the rock over time, but then eventually that trailed off, and this burrow was the only other path to take. You’ve been there for a number of hours now SAM: You know that thing where you’ve gone so far that you can’t really– we can’t turn around, can we? It feels like it would be a waste of a day We’ve got to keep going TRAVIS: Absolutely LAURA: Mm-hmm MATT: You keep pressing on. All right. A few more hours pass. People at the front, roll perception checks for me, please? LAURA: Again? TRAVIS: I’ll help MARISHA: I have a question for Caduceus LAURA: 17 MATT: Good to know. You had a question for Caduceus, you said? MARISHA: Cad, do you have any idea how far underground we are? TALIESIN: Nope MARISHA: Okay. That was my question (laughter) TRAVIS: Succinct TALIESIN: So glad it’s one I can answer MATT: You continue on for another hour or so. You do come to another chamber, but it’s only about 30 by 20 feet wide, and it’s a heavy geode. It looks like there are a locked piece, a pocket of old, stale air that was opened up as this worm burrowed through. You can see broken crystals of many beautiful colors, a lot of them milky white, quartz-like, a few that are almost a purple amethyst tint to it TALIESIN: I’m going to cast Light behind the crystal MATT: It’s a beautiful prism. As you see, the entire room is a scattering of shades of purple, pink, and, strangely, orange. It refracts the light in a way you haven’t seen before, and for
the moment, this dark ominous space becomes this beautiful disco TALIESIN: I couldn’t help myself LAURA: Magical things live here, I bet MARISHA: I’ve heard of faery creatures. I bet they live– TALIESIN: I’m listening very carefully to see if anything, any noise is coming from the next room MATT: Make a perception check TALIESIN: With advantage– no, just perception MATT: Just a perception check TALIESIN: That is a 19 MATT: You take a moment and listen to the quiet No sound. No vibration TALIESIN: Kill the light again LAURA: Kill it? Why would you kill it? TALIESIN: We’ll turn it back on, but I– LAURA: It was so beautiful! TRAVIS: We are going to rest, right? I mean, might as well take advantage of such a nice place LAURA: Yeah, let’s sleep in here. Is the ground covered in crystal, too? MATT: Yes, on the edges of it. However, where the worm had burrowed through, there’s a part of the ground that’s digging into a divot. The interior of the geode’s been carved out in that space TALIESIN: Is there any part of the wall that is still stone and not crystal? MATT: There are small bits, maybe like two- or three-feet pockets, but a large portion of this little geode chamber is mostly covered in crystal LIAM: Has any of the crystal been broken away by the worm’s passage through here? MATT: Yes. Quite a bit of it has been cracked and broken LIAM: Does any of it look of value as a rare stone? MATT: Make a nature check for me SAM: You could tattoo with it LAURA: Yeah, maybe LIAM: 16 MATT: A lot of this appears to be natural crystal It’s not a particular gemstone or anything really precious, per se. You’re sure you could probably– there are uses for it. Some people like to use them as focuses for healing and for general decor Simple, cheap jewelry can be made from this as well SAM: Vivid dreams, man! MATT: Yeah, there you go LIAM: I’m going to scoop up a handful of them LAURA: Me too, me too! It’s pretty SAM: Me three MATT: Okay. You’re not sure what the worth is You haven’t delved in the realm of selling or purchasing crystals in the street before, but you imagine, depending on the person, you could probably get a little bit of coin for it TALIESIN: I can carve out a chunk of wall if we want to put your little dome inside LIAM: Make it the same color as the crystals that are here, and then I can also set an Alarm around us MARISHA: It’s see-through on the inside, right? LIAM: For us, yeah, but not from the outside TALIESIN: Oh, so in that case, that’s pretty cool, then. I’ll– LIAM: I can camouflage it to match this room TALIESIN: Once you build it, I’ll use Stone Shape to cover it, then, so you can give it a little bit of a shell LIAM: Yeah, so it’s not such a perfect, round surface MATT: What are you doing? TALIESIN: Once he puts up the dome, the shack, I’m going to use Stone Shape to cover it really quickly with a thin layer of rock to make it look TRAVIS: Earthen? TALIESIN: Earthen. It’s not like five feet thick of rock, but a couple inches to blanket it MATT: Yeah. You couldn’t cover the entire dome, but you could definitely create a portion of it that’s in a shell TALIESIN: It’s going to have a faux front LIAM: If we leave an area where we can pop our heads out if need be TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, it’s going to be an opening LIAM: Did you say you were going to carve a hole to put it inside of, or should I make it against the side of the chamber? TALIESIN: Probably put it against so we can see what’s behind. I don’t know, what do you think? TRAVIS: Backs against a wall are always safe LAURA: This is true. I agree with Fjord LIAM: Okay TALIESIN: I’m going to pull the rock that I used for that front from the wall, and I’m going to give us a couple feet in, if that’s possible, just to push something. I’ve been looking at Stone Shape and what it’ll do MATT: You essentially diffuse element of that rock away from it to create the shell on the opposite side. Totally doable. You create a hut? LIAM: I take out my book, and I slap it down on the stone surface of this chamber we are in. I take about ten minutes, and then there is a hemisphere that is the same color as the chamber around us. As soon as that is done, I then take out the silver thread, and I start making a little white picket fence that’s not actually a picket fence in front of that MATT: You guys take your evening’s rest LAURA: Wait! I’m going to use Sending. I’m going to send a message to Yussa, and I’m going to say– shit, I didn’t have time to write it out. Hello! It’s Jester. We’re bringing that dodecahedron with us. We’re on our way to (whispering) I can’t remember the name of the–
SAM: Xhorhas LAURA: Xhorhas. Do you think it’s dangerous? Should we not? SAM: Is that it? TRAVIS: Five more LAURA: Please respond to this message TRAVIS: Wow SAM: Getting good at this LAURA: Yeah, right? MATT: There’s a pause. Then the voice comes through, “Well, I would say it is not advised to “give it up, to pull it out of your bag. But who am I to keep you from taking an artifact “into the heart of danger?” LAURA: I think he’s cool with it SAM: We’re making the right choice TRAVIS: This is 100% what we’re supposed to be doing MATT: You have a high enough wisdom to know that there was a hint of biting sarcasm to his statement, but interpret that as you will LAURA: Mm-hmm. Yeah TRAVIS: Confirmation. We’re doing good MATT: Now, is everyone taking a comfortable evening’s rest within the hut? TRAVIS: Do we want to take watches? We’re pretty safe, right? SAM and TALIESIN: No watch needed LAURA: I mean, unless somebody wants to keep a watch and make sure nothing comes by TALIESIN: That’s what the thread– the thread will wake us if it– MATT: You do have a pretty decent setup, between the Tiny Hut and the Alarm threads TRAVIS: Let’s all try it. Everybody’s sleeping LAURA: Get a good night’s sleep. Can you put a night light on, though, because it’s really pretty MARISHA: Ooh LIAM: I also send Frumpkin out of the hut to sit in the shadows of the chamber, and I tell him to come and wake me up if he hears anything coming further than the perimeter of the alarm MATT: Okay. You guys all find yourself to rest here, deep beneath the surface of Exandria. For some of you, dreams come. For some of you, no, it’s a clean sleep-to-wake experience, until eventually, you slowly come to consciousness, feeling rested, though strange to not have a day or night cycle. Nothing has changed from your experience. You feel like you’ve rested, but have you? It could have been an hour; it could have been eight hours. Being this far beneath the surface for an extended period of time is going to be a little strange for those of you who have not had that experience, which is all of you LIAM: Legitimate question, because I don’t want to dick with the story you’re weaving, but does Keen Mind cut through that? MATT: You would know– that’s a good question Let me look it up real fast TRAVIS: Look how pretty that book is. God. Sexy SAM: It really is sexy MATT: “You always know the number of hours left before the next sunrise or sunset.” I’d say, yeah, you’d be able to tell everyone. Even just informing everyone of the time, it’s still– LIAM: It won’t mean anything to them They’ll be– MATT: You can say it and be like: Oh yeah, guys, it’s 9:00 in the morning! You’re like: cool No issues. Nothing has changed. Frumpkin did not notice anything out of the ordinary. As the hut comes to a close, and you step out from behind the somewhat created stone shell placed by Caduceus, the tunnel is yours TALIESIN: Lighting it up again because it’s nice SAM: On we go! LIAM: Frumpkin also skips up Nott’s back and snuggles in, grips her clothing with her claws– his claws, damn my original cat– and scarfs around Nott’s neck MATT: You got it. As Frumpkin keeps you warm in the throat region, you all continue onward. Same order? TRAVIS: Mm-hmm MATT: Those helming the charge at the front, either each take an individual perception check, or you may help for advantage LAURA: Go for it? Okay, okay, okay LIAM: Mage Armor MATT: Mage Armor, yeah, good call LAURA: 19 again MATT: Nice. A few more miles of winding tunnel continue before you, and it’s a very trying, monotonous experience, where it’s lengths of time and travel where there’s no real change in topography. Slight variations as it winds in this natural shifting with the physicality of the creature that burrowed it, but it’s this cylindrical of stone and earth for hours and hours, until you catch the next first glimpse of another chamber opening before you
LAURA: Do I see any movement in it? MATT: You do not see any movement. As you get a little closer, you can begin to see the interior of the chamber near where it opens up inside. The air here is already pretty chilly, here beneath the surface. The air has more moisture to it than the tunnel you’ve been traveling through You can smell a bit of that heavy mineral subterranean water scent. You listen in for a second, and you can hear the subtle dripping of condensation, probably from the ceiling, which means there’s probably a nearby water source somewhere in the vicinity There is a chamber that opens up ahead of you LAURA: There’s a chamber ahead of us SAM: Oh my god! LAURA: It sounds wet, Nott SAM: No! LAURA: I know. I know SAM: Ah! LAURA: I didn’t think we’d have to deal with a water issue down here SAM: Well, you said it sounds wet? What does that even mean? LAURA: There could be an underground river I don’t know SAM: Or it could just be wet TRAVIS: (dripping water noises) LAURA: Or yeah, it could be that. Or it could be a water monster SAM: Or Fjord could be dicking around with his cheek trick TRAVIS: Sorry, was I throwing you? LAURA: When we approach it, I’m going to cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us, and we’ll approach it stealthily. What do you guys think about that? SAM: Yes, yes, yes! Good idea LAURA: Okay. We’re approaching it stealthily MATT: Roll stealth checks for me, please SAM, LAURA, and MARISHA: Stealth checks! SAM: Don’t fuck me, Gil TRAVIS: Natural 20! LAURA: Add ten TRAVIS: 30 MATT: Pass Without a Trace. Good call LAURA: Oh, what, is everybody going? TALIESIN: Yeah, we already did it TRAVIS: 30 TALIESIN: 21 MARISHA: 31 LAURA: 24 SAM and LIAM: 30 MATT: Did you roll for Yasha as well? TRAVIS: Oh, balls and anus. Here you go. 22. No! LAURA: Plus ten? TRAVIS: 24 MATT: Moving into the chamber as it opens in, you can see this area has quite a heavy clustering of stalagmites and stalactites all across the interior of this chamber. It opens up maybe 40 or so feet wide, and it seems to curve around this large bend. Elements of it rise. While you do not see a river, looking up at where the water’s dripping from, you get the sense there might be a large body of water not that far above. Elements of the groundwater are trickling through, and elements are gathering to create the interior of this chamber TALIESIN: I did not prepare for that LAURA: What would be above us? TRAVIS: Oh, a river, pond TALIESIN: There was a river MARISHA: Underwater water source? LAURA: Yeah, where are we? We could figure out where we are. Where’s the map? LIAM: We’ve been traveling for miles, though LAURA: Yeah, but we know which direction we’re going LIAM: That’s true, I know which way is north It’s that way MATT: Yes. You know where north is LAURA: We’re under the big river then, maybe MATT: You don’t have a GPS, per se, but you know where north is LIAM: No, but the whole time we’ve been walking, I’ve been conscious of which direction north is in MATT: Right, so you have a vague idea. You’ve been traveling for a day from Felderwin, right? So it’s about, say, 24 miles in a day You’d be about there. This vicinity here, so you’re right in this vicinity TRAVIS: Yep, big-ass body of water Big enough to show up on a map MATT: There are the heavy stalagmites and rock protrusions from the ground that litter the interior of the chamber as it curves off to the side TALIESIN: Well, that’s a good sign. That means that this is at least a natural cavern, which means it’s been here for a long time, and whatever’s above hasn’t disturbed it LAURA: Good point TALIESIN: That’s good. That’s a good sign LIAM: From where we are– I don’t know if I can, because I can only see from this little bit of dim light, but where from this chamber the worm continued on straight through? MATT: You cannot see where the worm went through LIAM: Can’t see the other side? MATT: Can’t see the other side. It looks like the worm, when it entered this chamber– you don’t see in your vicinity where it may have continued to burrow LAURA: Oh, we have to find it MATT: You get the sense that maybe this creature, and the people that were steering it, were leading it through whatever open chambers were possible, and then only burrowing when there was no continuation LIAM: Maybe gave it a run-around in here, like a dog in a dog park LAURA: I guess we should search around and see if we can find a hole in the wall TALIESIN: Yeah, I’m going to have a little light and see if I can find any tracks or anything for this thing, or any other footprints MATT: Make a survival check MARISHA: I look to see if there’s any signs of life, any humans that have been here before, people MATT: You’re looking for…? MARISHA: Signs of life or signs that people have been here before? TRAVIS: Biped signs of life? LAURA: Follow their path or something? MARISHA: Yeah, campfires that have been extinguished
MATT: Okay, so both of you are looking for essentially signs of things LAURA: I will look for a hole in the wall MATT: Okay. Perception check and then survival check from each of you TALIESIN: I got a 21 MATT: 21? Okay SAM: You got this MARISHA: 11 SAM: You don’t got this LAURA: Nein! Wait, plus– 14! MATT: That’s better. All right. Looking around, you continue to see the footfalls, the footprints along the patches of ground where it seems like dirt and dust has been settled in areas that are a little bit wet from the moisture in the air. You can see some of these grimy recesses in the muck and the dirt that is similar to the footfalls you’ve already seen in previous chambers of what appears to be of the Kryn. You can see some of the stone formations in the ground. Two of them appear to be broken and pushed over where it looks like the creature may have shoved its way through It goes around the edge and then curves up out of sight. You can try to continue to look in that direction, but from what you can see the vicinity, that’s the path it’s taking You were looking for…? LAURA: Holes in the walls MATT: Holes in the wall? All right. Looking around the vicinity, you don’t see any holes in the wall You do see there are elements in the rock where there are cracks and you can see where small bits of water are slowly dribbling through and then (dripping) LAURA: I bet the rock formations in this room are amazing MATT: They’re pretty decent LAURA: That one looks like a fried egg, look at that. Do you see it? SAM: I do LAURA: Looks like an egg on the top. Do you see? SAM: I do. And it’s even a little bit yellow You should probably paint a dick on it LAURA: I probably should SAM: I mean, you could tag the whole place LAURA: (gasps) Oh my god, I should make this a temple to the Traveler! SAM: Yes! TRAVIS: Well, Jester, aren’t temples better served by like, heavy foot traffic? You know– LAURA: Yeah but think about how cool it would be if someone came down here and they were like “what’s going on?” and then they find like– SAM: It’s a speakeasy LAURA: Yeah, yeah, yeah! SAM: But it’s like a pray-easy LAURA: And then they like, they find it, they’re going to be like: “That is like, so important I must definitely worship this guy because…” And it will at least get one person you know, added– SAM: You could be the bouncer LIAM: Ja, but how much time do you need to dig up this cave? LAURA: I don’t! I’m just going to… I’m going to paint, you know, a really nice picture of the Traveler. Then I’m going to use my paint– my special paint– and I’m going to make a nice little figurine of the Traveler. And I’ll sit it on top of the best-looking rock formation that looks like it’s definitely for him I’m going to paint like, pretty things around him like sparkles and shit MATT: Perfect. So you paint a little figure of the– TRAVIS: We’ll keep an eye on the entrance and exits MATT: So you’re watching the entrance– TRAVIS: I’ll go to over where we think from Beau’s notes the creature seems to have gone MATT: Okay. So yeah, as you walk over there, there is an area where it curves in then rises up a little bit. To the left, you can see a small pool of water where it’s gathered and created this little tucked in the side pool, maybe five-foot by 15 feet TALIESIN: Does it smell clean, is it clear? MATT: Go ahead and get close to it, it looks clear. It looks very– TALIESIN: Can I see the bottom? MATT: You can see the bottom, it looks to be no more than have five, six feet deep. You can see where it continues up off to that side Jester finishes painting the statue You look around for somewhere to place it There are a number of these larger rock formations, five, ten feet tall, eight-foot tall, little squat ones. What do you want? LAURA: I’m going to put it on the little squat one MATT: Okay LAURA: But then put some of the crystals that I got in my pocket, like around it Then on the tall formation, I’m going to write “The Traveler is the tits! Worship him!” SAM: Nice LAURA: Like, vertically MATT: Perfect. All right. She’s writing that down You were at the front? TRAVIS: Mm-hmm MATT: Who’s watching the back? TALIESIN: I’ll keep an eye on the back MATT: All right. Perception check, both of you guys, just to make sure you’re keeping watch MARISHA: Just looking over his shoulder TRAVIS: Nice. 20– 20. No, 21 TALIESIN: 24 MATT: All right, you watch the distant path, the dark that continues curving up off to the side You look over there. No movement. You’re looking towards the tunnel where you guys came from No movement. You hear the chuckles and look back at what they’re doing. You see one of these stalagmites, these tendrils (slurping) Need to roll initiative (yelling) MATT: Actually, only you need to roll initiative because they– SAM: They? They? He? It? MATT and LAURA: They MATT: Get a surprise round TRAVIS: Oh no SAM: We all took feats that make us immune to surprise, right?
LAURA: Yeah, we all took Luck, right? We all took Luck? TRAVIS: 18 is pretty good, considering I have no initiative bonus SAM and MARISHA: You have no initiative bonus? TRAVIS: No! SAM: What’s wrong with you? TRAVIS: I don’t know. Half-orcs. I don’t know SAM: Why am I rolling these weird dice today? TRAVIS: I could have taken a feat that would’ve given me, but– LAURA: Oh see? Think about how– ALL: Oh TRAVIS: What is this thing?! LIAM: Ropers! SAM: This is a great map! LAURA: What are those things? TRAVIS: What is that sadistic Japanese traffic cone? LAURA: So wait, where are we putting the Traveler stuff? MATT: By this little tiny squat one LAURA: Okay LIAM: Oh my gosh LAURA: Oh, it’s so cool SAM: They look like stalagmites! LIAM: We are in the kill zone, y’all MATT: You were over on this side looking off this way TRAVIS: Oh fucking balls. What is this? MATT: Nott, were you helping them out? SAM: No, I was hanging out with Beau Wherever Beau is MATT: Beau is right there SAM: Yeah, sure MATT: Yasha will be keeping an eye, not noticing Caleb, where were you? LIAM: I would be by the largest grouping of people because I’m scared of everything TRAVIS: (laughs) What the fuck is that? MATT: All right then LIAM: This is real bad TRAVIS: Is it? LIAM: Well LAURA: No! It’s real bad! LIAM: You don’t know, I don’t know MATT: So. Initiative orders. 25 to 20 LAURA: Oh! I didn’t roll MATT: I just said roll initiative! LAURA: I know! But I thought you said don’t because they got a surprise MATT: Just so we have it LAURA: Oh no, six MATT: Okay. 25 to 20 MARISHA: 19 SAM: That’s not 25 to 20 MARISHA: It’s not, but no one else spoke up MATT: It’s fine TRAVIS: 18 for Fjord MATT: All right. 15 to ten TRAVIS: Yasha got a 14 LIAM: 12 for Caleb TALIESIN: 12 for me as well SAM: 12 for me as well LAURA: Lot of twelves MARISHA: So Cad, Caleb, Nott TALIESIN: This is going to be SAM: It’s going to be easy MARISHA: I had a screamer earlier MATT: Then we have Jester at the bottom LAURA: I’m really distracted, you know, because I’m– SAM: Painting LAURA: I’m painting a beautiful– MATT: So. Fjord. You go first TRAVIS: I do? MATT: You’re the only one who noticed them in this scenario. Because you were the one who’s closest to the actual– Caduceus is facing on the back side of the chamber. What are you doing? TRAVIS: Well I have a short moment of freak out as a rock formation grows fucking tentacles MATT: Yep. Two of them. You see that one and go, “Shit! Shit!” And you see them both go (gurgling) TRAVIS: Since the rest of the group doesn’t seem to have noticed them, I will charge up two Eldritch Blasts and send one in each direction MATT: All righty TRAVIS: Point both of them out MATT: Go for it. Roll attacks for each TRAVIS: I will do it That is 16 to hit MATT: It (poofing) just dissipates without effect across its rocky, armored surface TRAVIS: Not good. Can I bonus action Hex the second one? MATT: Sure TRAVIS: Before the other attack? MATT: Which one? This one? TRAVIS: Yeah MATT: All right TRAVIS: That’ll at least help a little bit. 17 MATT: (poofing). No effect. You watch as the Eldritch energy, the green burst, just scatters across its rocky exterior No impact TRAVIS: Big trouble! SAM: What? MARISHA: What did you roll? TRAVIS: 17 didn’t hit it. I’ll come up on top of that platform and take a little bit of cover behind that– Yeah. Just right there is good I don’t know what the fuck they do SAM: Did we see these attacks fail? MATT: You all of a sudden heard a (poof) and you heard him shout as you turn around and saw Fjord shout, “Big trouble!” and then vanish behind a nearby rock. Like a hero TRAVIS: Or a tactician! MATT: I know. In this moment of realization of what’s happening, these two large stalagmites suddenly have a single eye that opens in the center, this burning red orange-ish eye with a vertical slit. The center of it opens up into this large, gaping mouth of sharpened teeth and a liquid tongue on the inside that’s slimy-ing around. These four tendrils that unravel. So it’s now their turn It’s going to move there. Five, ten TRAVIS: (nervous laughter) SAM: They don’t move fast, but– oops MATT: They shift, it looks like they’re gliding, but there’s thousands of tiny cilia underneath that just cause them to glide across the ground. This one on this end is going to go ahead and make three attacks Each can make four tendril attacks TRAVIS: Four?! MATT: Yes. So LAURA: Oh my god, we’re going to die MARISHA: Oh, we might SAM: No, you’re going to die MATT: Jester, that is a 21 to hit LAURA: It hits me MATT: All right. You are grappled LAURA: Oh no MATT: While you’re grappled, you are restrained and have disadvantage on strength checks There’s one now to Beau. That’s going to be a 14 to hit
MARISHA: Miss MATT: Against Beau again, that’s going to be a 25 to hit MARISHA: Ah yeah MATT: So you are grappled MARISHA: Just grappled? MATT: Yep SAM: Oh, okay, they don’t hurt LAURA: Maybe the next turn they will swallow us whole SAM: I don’t think so TRAVIS: No evidence to support that MATT: We’ll say you’re grappled, Beau You’re also grappled. I’m putting restrained there because you are technically restrained as well. Against Nott– SAM: What, me? MATT: Yep. As it (whoosh) out that way, that one’s going to be 17? SAM: Miss MATT: Misses. You just duck underneath The fourth one’s going to swing out towards you as well. That’s going to be a 20 SAM: Hit MATT: You are also grappled LAURA: Oh my god, wait, was that all just one creature attacking us or was that–? MATT: Correct SAM: There’s no save against this grapple? MATT: You can try and escape it. It’s an action to try and escape from the grapple You can still attack, but you’re restrained, so you have disadvantage on your attacks MARISHA: Strength check versus their strength check, if I remember correctly MATT: It’s your athletics or acrobatics, you choose LAURA: Okay MATT: Now it’s going to go ahead and make a bite attack against Jester, because you’re the closest one to it. Since you’re restrained, it has advantage on the attack It’s a natural 20 and a three. So natural 20 it is. So that’s going to be– Ooh, oh no LAURA: If I go unconscious right away– SAM: It was a great game LAURA: This was really fun, guys TRAVIS: Stop rolling so many dice LAURA: I went out doing what I love SAM: Painting dicks? MATT: 34 points of piercing damage from the critical hit, as its tendril pulls you in towards its mouth, shoves your shoulder and the side of your neck into it, and it grinds down onto you. The armor pulls in and you can feel it piercing the back of your neck. Sharp pain arcs through your body LAURA: (pained noises) TRAVIS: Maybe we get the fuck out of here? That was a big hit MATT: This one here is going to go ahead and go for Caleb for an attack LIAM: Yeah MATT: That’s going to be a 14 to hit? LIAM: Shield MATT: Shield. (whoosh) It actually almost grabs you and in the last minute, you throw your hand up and an arcane barrier flashes in front and the tentacle gets knocked off limply. Yes? LAURA: Can I use my Hellish Rebuke? MATT: Yes, you may LAURA: Okay. Is it okay? MATT: Go for it LAURA: Ah, okay, okay, okay! MATT: He’s got three more tendril attacks LAURA: Oh, god! TRAVIS: Three more? MATT: Each round they get four each TALIESIN: And a bite MATT: Yep TRAVIS: How about they fought in the last week and one of them is missing one? MATT: Haven’t encountered adventurers in a while, buddy! TRAVIS: Like sharks in the wild and they’ve got battle damage, you know? MATT: I admire your creativity TRAVIS: Okay LAURA: 3d10 damage MATT: 3d10 damage. As it bites into you, you angrily focus– LAURA: (screams) Ooh, 19 points of cold damage MATT: And what’s its save? LAURA: Oh, it’s a dex save MATT: Dex save. Haha, a two LAURA: Yes! TALIESIN: The damage seems to take? MATT: The damage definitely takes (shattering) These ice crystals suddenly apparate around its mouth where it bit into Jester, and it seems to pull back a bit, its eye closes and winces with the impact Now its other attacks. Its second attack against you, Caleb. That’s going to be an 18 to hit LIAM: Does not hit MATT: Because the Shield’s still up LIAM: Yeah MATT: Deflects the second attack TALIESIN: Thank god MATT: Third one’s going to go for Caduceus TALIESIN: Is it close enough? MATT: It has a 50-foot range on its tendrils (exclamations of shock) MATT: Reaches out. That’s going to be a 21 TALIESIN: That hits MATT: All right TRAVIS: That’s terrible! TALIESIN: Okay, good to know! No, this is good. So we’re not going to waste time trying to be safe from these things MATT: Now you are also grappled TALIESIN: Again, what does grappled mean? It means I can’t move– MATT: Well, you are considered grappled, but while you’re grappled, you are restrained, which means you have disadvantage on attacks. You also have disadvantage on strength checks and strength saving throws TALIESIN: Okay, and I can’t move MATT: You cannot move, your speed is zero TALIESIN: That’ll do MATT: Its fourth and final tendril, it’s going to go ahead and shoot for Caleb again. Natural 20 LIAM: That hits TALIESIN: He’s within 30 feet of me, isn’t he? MATT: Yeah TALIESIN: All right, I’m canceling the natural 20 MATT: Well it still hits, but it doesn’t– TALIESIN: But the critical does not take MATT: Right, it doesn’t do any damage The tendril is just a– TALIESIN: Oh it’s not a damage– Oh, never mind. So it doesn’t get anything special MATT: Right, it gets one bite attack per turn, but it grapples each of you Just letting you know, you probably want to hold onto that TALIESIN: Okay, no, if it’s not doing anything, then there’s no point MARISHA: No, don’t. Please stop, please stop, don’t touch me TALIESIN: I am panicking, just a little MATT: That’s okay. You are also grappled there, Caleb, and restrained MARISHA: It was so pretty when we slept in a geode. That was awesome. Remember that?
TRAVIS: Yeah, draw that TALIESIN: Is it time to start having the flashbacks? Are we at flashback point? MATT: It’s going to use reel TRAVIS: What do you mean “reel”?! These attacks are real! MATT: Pulls Caduceus into it, and Caleb into it TALIESIN: Okay, that’s going to be interesting SAM: I lose all the close men in my life! MATT: It’s going to make an attack against you. As you are restrained, attack rolls against you have advantage. A two and a one, motherfuck. It goes towards to bite you, and the shield is still holding, and it’s pulling you in towards its mouth but you see the barrier pressing and bits of its rock exterior are cracking, being pressed up against this shield LIAM: Caleb says: (whimpering apprehensively) MATT: All right, surprise round’s done Top of the round, Beau, you’re up first MARISHA: Okay. Can I get closer to the roper? MATT: You are currently grappled and restrained. You have no movement MARISHA: I was hoping he would do the reel thing, but to me, because I’d love to get real MATT: Well, technically, you are adjacent to it, because you’re both right there and it’s in this space. You and Jester are both adjacent to it MARISHA: So I can hit it? MATT: Yes, you can hit it. Nott, it did not reel you in that turn, because I forgot it can do the reel as part of its action MARISHA: Well, I don’t know what else to do but to wail on this motherfucker First attack is real bad; it’s a natural two Next attack is not that much better, 20 total MATT: Your attacks have disadvantage, by the way, because you’re restrained MARISHA: Okay, then I will reroll that one with a natural one. So that’s cool MATT: Miss. That two attacks so far? MARISHA: That’s two attacks so far MATT: The first attack, you can’t quite get your hand free. You manage to get it free for a second attack, and it hits the rock No impact. Still have your bonus action SAM: She punched and it does nothing? MATT: She rolled low MARISHA: I rolled a two then a one, technically, but you roll disadvantage Does disengage count if you’re grappled? TRAVIS: I don’t know what these things are! MATT: You can disengage, but you still have no movement. You have to escape from it to gain your movement speed back. Right now, you’re wrapped up by its tendril and you can’t go anywhere MARISHA: So disengage wouldn’t help me escape from it? MATT: No. Disengage prevents attacks of opportunity, but you cannot get away from it to even trigger one TRAVIS: Could you use your action, if she hadn’t already? MATT: Fjord, you’re on deck, with Yasha after that. You can use your action to try and break free, yeah MARISHA: But I already used my action to attack, so I might as well Flurry of Blows MATT: There you go. Flurry of Blows, get two more strikes on it, each with disadvantage MARISHA: Disadvantage on the first one Nope, that’s a two again, second one is a natural 20 and a 12, bringing me to a 20 total MATT: 20 just hits. The first one doesn’t even get out, the second one hits the rock and hurts. You get your other arm free and (impacts) into the stone again. This time you look down as the eye opens up and you see the eye and go (whack) right into the center of its giant glowing eye Roll damage on that one MARISHA: It’s terrible. Two! Seven damage I turn to everyone and go: I think I broke my wrist. Then that’s it MATT: That’s the end of your turn? MARISHA: Yeah MATT: Cool. That brings us to Fjord TRAVIS: I’ll use my 30 feet and I will come around that cover and I will run down to the– MARISHA: Can I do the thing? No, I have to hit twice. Never mind, nope MATT: You can do stunning strike if you want to, but that’s up to you MARISHA: Oh! Can I do that? MATT: Yeah, even when you attack on your Flurry of Blows, as long as you hit with an attack, you can do that MARISHA: Stunning strike! MATT: All right, spend another ki point Constitution save, it’s a natural one Motherfuck MARISHA: (fake crying) There is a god Okay, that’s my turn LIAM: And she’s smiling on you MARISHA: Yes, she is MATT: We’ll take this stunned token and put it on this one TRAVIS: That is a lot LAURA: What is that other purple thing on him? MATT: That’s Hex LAURA: He’s hexed? MATT: Correct. Now, Fjord, you can take your turn. As you take your turn, you look over and watch as Beau plunges her fist into the eye of this living stalagmite and it starts suddenly wriggling in place It looks like it’s having a rough time
TRAVIS: Amazing. I will run up and take two swings with the Summer’s Dance falchion against the stunned MATT: Your attacks have advantage on it because it is stunned, yes TRAVIS: That’s amazing, okay That is a 29 to hit MATT: That hits TRAVIS: The second one is not as great That is only a 19. Misses MATT: Got you. 19 just barely misses, unfortunately TRAVIS: Yeah. All right. Eight, 12– oh, 1d6 for Hex. 15 points of slashing damage MATT: You rush up with one attack, carve across with the scimitar, and you expect it to completely deflect the blow, but the blade does cut through the rock. Where it splits where the blade was, there is a muscly, fleshy interior. The creature is heavily armored by the shell it’s created around itself, but it’s definitely mortal. Your second strike, however, glides against the outside of its rocky shell and makes no damage TRAVIS: I am going to use my bonus action and use Misty Step on the falchion to bamf back up on the platform MATT: All right. Right there? TRAVIS: Yep. And that is my turn MATT: I would say, because you can only Misty Step to places you can see, you can go there, but you have five feet of movement left, so you move there anyways Just as a point of reference. That ends Fjord’s turn. Yasha’s up TRAVIS: Yasha would like to rage. She will rush the traffic cone from hell that is attacking Caduceus and Caleb and take two strikes with her Magician’s Judge MATT: Go for it TRAVIS: Reckless attacks, please MATT: All righty That is a natural 20 for the first one, and the second one is only a ten MATT: That first hit, all the impact and might smashes into this creature’s face, and she pulls back and, “That’s all I had.” TRAVIS: I love barbarians so much (counting) 13 times three is 39, right? Yeah, 39 points of slashing damage MATT: Times two, you mean? TRAVIS: Oh, times two, sorry, 26 Not times three, times two. 26 MATT: Any bonuses on top of that? TRAVIS: That’s it, yeah. Oh no, sorry, rage is three. 29 MATT: 29 points of damage from that first strike as the Magician’s Judge carves down through it One of the tentacles gets damaged and you can see it still holding tight, but starting to wear this thing down. Still looking okay, though. That finishes Yasha’s turn? TRAVIS: It does LIAM: Is that all the 12s? Is that all the 12s in a row? MATT: They’re after the ropers. They’re right before you guys. They’re squeezed right between Yasha and your trio’s turn. This one here is going to reel in Nott. Now you get pulled SAM: Wait, they can do that even though they’re stunned? MATT: Oh, that one’s stunned, so it can’t. Never mind. That one right there is going to attempt to ensnare, with one of its free tendrils, Yasha. That is going to be a 15 to hit? TRAVIS: That hits MATT: It hits! She is also now grappled and restrained. It’s going to make a bite attack against Caleb TRAVIS: So hitting it doesn’t make them drop the grapple MATT: You have to break free TRAVIS: I was hoping that would be the case MATT: That’s another natural 20! TALIESIN: Cancelled MATT: Reaction from Caduceus to– what’s the ability called again? Channel Divinity? TALIESIN: It’s actually not a Channel Divinity It’s called “Sentinel at Death’s Door.” MATT: Was it once per short rest? TALIESIN: No, it’s five times per long rest LAURA and SAM: Five times?! TALIESIN: As long as I’m “within 30 feet of somebody who suffers a critical hit, you can “turn that hit into a normal hit. Any effect triggered by the critical hit is canceled.” MATT: Grave clerics, man. That’s awesome TALIESIN: Five times per long rest MATT: Well, be thankful he reduced that critical. 28 points of piercing damage as it jams your entire arm into its mouth and it’s starting to pull you in from the torso up. The other one is stunned and does not get its turn. That brings us to the trio LIAM: One handed, Caleb gets the molasses out and starts smearing it and casting– TALIESIN: Wait, should I– MATT: He’s already going. He’s already on it LIAM: I’m going, too late, and I cast Slow on both of them MATT: What’s the save?
LIAM: 16 MATT: What is it, wisdom? LIAM: Wisdom, yeah MATT: This is for the guy over there 14. He is slowed LIAM: He can do one thing per round now, while that’s up. Yeah, it just brought all those tentacles down to one thing per round MATT: That guy is a 15 LIAM: Fails MATT: They’re both slowed TALIESIN: Okay. It’s about to get worse for them TRAVIS: Those circles are so great MATT: Yeah, a fan sent those, actually LIAM: A negative two penalty to AC and dexterity saving throws. Can’t use reactions It can use either an action or a bonus action, not both MATT: You’ve got it. Caleb, that’s your go LIAM: (pained yelling) MATT: Casting frantically with the off-hand Their whipping tendrils that are wrapping you all of a sudden go (slow-down sound) Its chewing on Caleb is like (slow grinding) LIAM: I’m getting the molasses everywhere! MATT: Jester’s still part way in, like, “Oh, god!” Slow chews. Nott or Caduceus TALIESIN: I’ll take it. Slow down, cowboy I’m casting Bane on these two MATT: What’s the save? TALIESIN: The save is a 16 charisma MATT: Charisma? Oh, they are not charismatic TALIESIN: Yep. I didn’t think they would be MATT: There is a 12 and a zero TALIESIN: That means that you have to take a negative d4 to attack rolls and saving throws MATT: Yeah, you’ve got it TALIESIN: On both of them. I’m going to then spend my bonus action, and I’m going to call a swarm of insects. I’m going to drop it on the– let’s get one of these out of the way first. Let’s get the one that’s far away from me I’m going to drop it right on him. That swarm of insects is going to take a bite MATT: Caduceus is pulled in, manages to curse them both with this divine power pulled from the Wildmother’s darker side of nature, and then holds the staff up through A burst of insects, beetles, then fly out of it, clouding around this central stalagmite, and begin to assault the opposite side of the creature TALIESIN: Hard to hit. Let’s see if I can actually hit because my to-hit is– MATT: It is still stunned, so you have advantage on your attack TALIESIN: Oh, well, that’s exciting MATT: It’s stunned until Beau’s next turn TALIESIN: 18 is the highest hit MATT: 18 just hits because of the Slow spell. Their AC is reduced by two TALIESIN: This is a bite attack, which is 4d4. Hit ten, 4d4 piercing damage? It’s ten plus 4d4, I believe? MATT: No, it’s just 4d4 TALIESIN: Why does it say ten? I don’t know MATT: Ten is the average damage TALIESIN: Oh. (counting) That’s ten MATT: Ten points of damage. The beetles are now biting into the side of this entity That finish your turn? TALIESIN: That finishes my turn SAM: I will not try to leave the grapple Instead, I will fire a crossbow bolt at this one that has me grappled MATT: You’ve got it SAM: With advantage, because it’s stunned? MATT: It is stunned, yes SAM: Oh, not good. Both of them not good. 15 MATT: 15 misses. It ricochets off of its rock-like hide. The bolt goes scattering off into the shadows somewhere SAM: Bonus action, fire again MATT: Go for it TRAVIS: Tentacles made of rock as well? MATT: They appear to be of similar material They have a similar look to them, but they’re flexible, so they’re probably not as– SAM: 28 MATT: 28 does hit, and it is adjacent– well, it’s stunned anyway, so you do get your sneak attack damage on it SAM: Yeah! MATT: All the dice LAURA: Woo! SAM: Oh, there’s a couple ones. Okay, 22 Plus I’ll do Fury of the Small; that’s another eight. That’s 30 points of damage TRAVIS: Boom! MATT: 30 points of damage, nice. As the first bolt ricochets, you see a spark as the rock-like exterior shoots it off. As it’s sitting there (groaning) with its one eye open, its jaw still chewing on Jester. Jester manages to wedge herself out of its mouth just in time for you to aim the bolt into its throat. It begins to cough a bit of its own blood. It’s looking pretty hurt SAM: Good, good MATT: That ends your turn, Nott? SAM: That’s all I’ve got MATT: Jester, you’re up LAURA: Okay. I’m going to turn, since that one’s letting me go, and I’m going to put my hand towards the other one. I’ll say: Get the fuck out of my temple! I’m going to cast Banishment MATT: Oh, shit! SAM: Banishment?! What! LAURA: Yeah. That’s a charisma save TRAVIS: Good call MATT: It rolled a natural 16, minus two (cheering) LAURA: It needed a 16 save, so– MATT: This guy vanishes. The tendrils are no longer around you, so none of them are–
TRAVIS: Thank god he didn’t take anybody with him LAURA: Well, he wouldn’t have done that here MATT: You’re all of a sudden released from it, and the creature’s just not there anymore LAURA: He’ll only be gone for a little bit We should probably get out of here Also, kill this guy, huh? Then I turn back to the dude that’s in front of me MATT: Right, because you’re still wrapped up by its tendrils LAURA: Yeah. I can’t do anything else, I don’t think. Yeah, that’s all I can do MATT: Beau, you’re up MARISHA: Ah! Doo-bah! MATT: It is stunned until the end of your next turn, I believe, right? MARISHA: That’s the way it works MATT: You still have advantage on the attacks. You have disadvantage because you’re restrained, so it’s just a straight roll for you MARISHA: I’m still restrained TRAVIS: That Cobalt fighting style. Doo-bah! MARISHA: I’m going to stir around my stick and try and jab it into his eyeball MATT: Go for it MARISHA: Wait, straight roll? TRAVIS: Yeah, straight roll MARISHA: I’m going to get rid of all those It never happened. I don’t think it worked, nope. That’s a 14? MATT: 14 misses. You’re punching a rock, and it’s hurting, but you’re going to get through Looking for those soft spots MARISHA: Second attack LIAM: Ooh, it was almost a one, and then it was better MARISHA: Now it’s a 19, so it definitely hits MATT: Yes, that hits MARISHA: That was with my staff I said, so it’s a d8. Seven points of damage MATT: Seven points of damage MARISHA: I’m going to re-stun it. Can I do that? Stunning strike MATT: That is an 18, so it resists it MARISHA: Okay, I’m going to move on from that TALIESIN: The d4! Wait, and also, is there anything else he gets from Slow for saving throws? LIAM: Negative two AC and dex saves MATT: That’s minus two to it, so it’s a 16 What’s your DC? MARISHA: 14 MATT: Yeah, so it resists it MARISHA: Flurry of Blows! Wait, why do I keep rolling twice? I keep thinking I need to roll twice. Just once. Ah! Natural 20! It’s so manic, but it’s true MATT: I saw it MARISHA: Doubling the dice. That’s a three plus a six, so that’s 11 MATT: 11 points of damage on that strike. As you jam the staff into the middle of its mouth and are prying it open, you get down and see where its eye is trying to keep closed, and the moment it flicks open to be aware of its surroundings, you whack, poking it right there MARISHA: Going for the uvula. Last one. 18 MATT: 18 just hits, because of the Slow spell MARISHA: For this one, I’m going to try and grab onto its tongue, because I know, lot of blood vessels in the tongue, and start trying to rip it. Another 11 damage MATT: 11 points of damage. Oof, this thing is not having a great moment MARISHA: I say: Drop it! Drop it! MATT: Fjord, you’re up TRAVIS: I’ll run back up and take two swipes with the Summer’s Dance falchion LAURA: I really hope you guys kill it before it gets back to its turn TRAVIS: Yeah, me too. First one is a 28, and the second one is a 29 MATT: Both hit. Damn, nice. It is no longer stunned. Actually, did you roll with advantage, or did you roll regularly? TRAVIS: Just straight MATT: Good. It’s no longer stunned, so you do not have advantage on the attack TRAVIS: Nice. Ten plus four is 14 points of slashing damage, with four points of necrotic in there from the Hex. The second one is eight plus six, 14, plus five points of necrotic for 19 points of damage MATT: How do you want to do this? (cheering) TRAVIS: Like a hero, I run up behind it and take inspiration from Beau, and I go (whoosh) Doo-bah! MATT: You see Fjord holding the pose there for a second, as Beau’s holding its tongue, and the tongue comes out. You look past and watch as its eye goes limp, and it shifts off into three separate pieces LAURA: Hi, Fjord! Thank you TRAVIS: You’re welcome LAURA: We should leave TALIESIN: How long does that thing stay–? LAURA: Not long at all. Like probably another minute or so, so run? SAM: Okay, let’s go TRAVIS: Yeah, let’s book. Wait, who’s– yeah, we’ll heal on the way MATT: You guys book it SAM: Do we need to loot the bodies? LAURA: There’s not– it’s rocks TRAVIS: Actually, Yasha will run up to Caleb as we’re running, and she will do Healing Touch because she never does that shit, to Caleb, and put– what is it? Healing Hands, healing seven points She never wastes an action on that SAM: Ropers MATT: Ropers, man TRAVIS: Is that what they’re called? MATT: Yep LIAM: We’re on the move, ja? Hup, hup, hup
MARISHA: Caleb, do you have any use for this? Nott? Nott SAM: What’s that? A tongue? MARISHA: Roper tongue SAM: Yeah, I’ll take that MATT: You can add a roper tongue to your inventory SAM: To my belly MATT: There you go. That’s the other inventory LAURA: It’s like beef jerky? MATT: It’s pretty tough TRAVIS: Like octopus MATT: Strangely salty. It’s the minerals As you guys are rushing up around the edge, the cavern ends about another 50 or 60 feet up front. It just ends MARISHA: What? SAM: This is not the right way TRAVIS: Oh. Let’s go back and check that water SAM: But if we go back the thing will be back TALIESIN: Why don’t we all prepare? I haven’t put my insects away, and we can just kill this thing off, really MATT: Jester, make a perception check TALIESIN: I still have a swarm of insects I’m, for the moment, going to keep my insects down there, just in case LAURA: 12 MATT: You’re looking around, and the tracks that you noticed earlier, you guys pick up on, and you see that it is still traveling this direction. You can glance at the area, though the wall itself is this surface of loose rock and stone formations there TRAVIS: Can I walk up and touch it, and see if any of it moves or is different? MATT: Following the tracks, there is an area where it looks like the stones are just loosely there. Part of the wall fell in and covered the interior, but you can pull stones out of it TRAVIS: Yeah, I’ll start doing that LIAM: I’m going to keep my eyes behind us where we just ran away from LAURA: Yeah, same, I’m going too MATT: Okay, so you start pulling stones out and passing them off. Some of them are pretty heavy. Yasha is helping. You guys are pulling them out one by one. You get a small section of opening available to you It wasn’t a huge collapse. It looks like when it was passing through, it might have bumped into the wall and caused a portion of it to fall in, and it’s only the lack of light in here that’s really making it hard to originally even notice this exit You get halfway through it before you hear (whoosh) in the room behind you SAM and LAURA: Oh, it’s back TALIESIN: Is it back to exactly where it was before? MATT: Yes TALIESIN: It’s immediately attacked by an insect swarm MATT: Go for it. It moves very slow. You glance back in the area and it goes (squelching) It moves ten feet a round, and you’re about a hundred feet from it around that way LAURA: Good. But it’s got a 50-foot reach! TALIESIN: 22 MATT: It’ll be about another minute before it gets within range. 22? That hits! Technically, it’s still– No, it’s not slowed anymore, because Slow has worn off LIAM: It’s a minute duration MATT: Right, it’s been banished for a minute LIAM: Okay. Magic Missiles MATT: (laughing) Go for it! LAURA: Oh, yeah, that’s right. We can shoot at it MATT: You can still attack from a distance. It’s about a hundred, now it’s 90 feet from you TALIESIN: Ten points of damage TRAVIS: I’ll do the same thing. I’ll throw some Eldritch Blast at it MATT: Go for it MARISHA: I’m still throwing rocks SAM: I’ll shoot an arrow MATT: Yasha and Beau are moving rocks Make an athletics check for me Make an athletics check for Yasha Yeah, she’s good MARISHA: Fuck. 11 TRAVIS: I’ll move my Hex over onto it SAM: 28 MATT: 28 hits TALIESIN: I’m also going to throw Sacred Flame at it LAURA: It’s not within range of Sacred Flame TALIESIN: Oh, yeah, it is 60 feet MATT: It’s not in range yet. It’s 90 feet from you TRAVIS: 16 points of Eldritch damage SAM: 12 points of bolt damage LAURA: Guiding Bolt! MATT: Roll for attack SAM: Oh no, it’s getting closer. I back up a little. Another five feet MATT: All right, that’s as far as you can get You’re up against the wall now LAURA: 13 points. Oh wait, I didn’t roll to attack. I’m an idiot MATT: You have to roll attack for that LAURA: Oh, that definitely hits 19 plus eight MATT: Yeah, that hits LAURA: So that was 13 points MATT: 13 points of radiant damage, and it’s also glowing. The next attack on it has advantage. It moves forward again It is now 70 feet from you LIAM: I said Magic Missiles, but I don’t have that prepared, so I’m going to throw Fire Bolt at it MATT: Go for it LIAM: Natural 20 MARISHA: Kill it with cantrips MATT: That’s the way to do it TRAVIS: One of those hits. 21 LIAM: 18 for me MATT: 21 damage for you? 18 from you? TRAVIS: No, sorry, 21 to hit MATT: 21 hits, yeah. And 18 damage LIAM: 18 total MATT: All right. It’s taking hits and slowly moving towards you. It feels like the old 1950s sci-fi movie with the weird carrot looking creatures that these are loosely based on visually? This is like a dude in a suit, trying to scoot it forward They don’t chase very well, ropers SAM: I’m going to carefully aim and fire a gun at it. My pistol MATT: Okay, go for it! TRAVIS: Before he fires, 19 points of damage, four necrotic MATT: You got it LIAM: Say goodnight, Grimace SAM: It is disadvantage because it’s longer than 30 feet away, right? MATT: But it’s advantage because the– well, no, because you already used the Guiding Bolt. That’s right SAM: So it would be not great. 13 MATT: There’s a burst of powder and smoke You’ve never fired a firearm. It’s still a
relatively new technology for most people outside of the main military, and even then, they’ve only been producing them out of Hupperdook for the past ten years. So your first time really using this, and yeah, the ringing’s in your ears, your hand feels numb from the blowback. Not great It (pings) off of the front of it TRAVIS: I don’t know what that is, but I don’t think you should use it no more SAM: Reload! LAURA: Is it within 60 feet of us yet? TALIESIN: When do the insects get another attack? Thank you MATT: Now it’s 60 feet LAURA: Toll the Dead! Bong! MATT: A natural 20 on its save LIAM: Everybody’s in a line, shaking their heads at this thing TRAVIS: Two more Eldritch Blasts Ooh, natural 20! TALIESIN: Spare the Dying. Oh, wait, sorry. Sacred Flame SAM: You’re going to make it live?! MATT: That is a 15 TALIESIN: Nope, 16 MATT: Yep. Roll damage TRAVIS: Natural 20 and a 20 MATT: Ooh! So both hits, one with a crit! That first attack’s a crit. Double TALIESIN: 15 points of damage LAURA: It’s getting really close, so it’s going to be able to grapple us again very soon MATT: Very next round TRAVIS: 13 points of Eldritch Blast on the first one, and 13 points on the second one Man, that’s so weird MATT: Okay. Mighty Nein, how do you want to do this? TALIESIN: With vague interest MATT: With vague interest! It’s starting to loom forward (blasting) TRAVIS: No scoot! No! No! TALIESIN: Drop it! MATT: It goes limp. It gets really tense for a second and then really sad, and is like, okay. It’s dead LAURA: Yay! TALIESIN: Now that that’s done, I’m going to start doing a ten minute heal for whoever Who needs a heal? LAURA: I need a heal! SAM: You were eaten by it TALIESIN: I’m going to start a ten minute while you guys dig TRAVIS: Yasha’s pulling rocks Fjord’s pulling rocks LAURA: I think they were a couple, you guys SAM: I think they were a couple I think they were married LAURA: I think they’ve been living down here for a long time. They were this wonderful couple LIAM: Should we look for their babies? LAURA: (gasps) Little rock babies! Maybe that’s why they were mad. Maybe the crystals we took were their rock babies. What if it was their giant baby nest, and we broke their babies out? LIAM: How’s that tunnel coming? TRAVIS: Not fast enough MATT: At this point in time, Beau and Yasha have managed to pull enough rocks out of that tunnel to make it large enough for each of you– and Fjord– to squeeze through You can step through, each of you, and eventually find yourself on the other side The burrowed tunnel continues ahead of you into darkness TALIESIN: Who needs healing, by the way? Okay, so just you two? LAURA: I think we’re the only two that got hurt LIAM: Need it a lot SAM: Beau, did you get hurt? MARISHA: No SAM: What are you doing over there? TALIESIN: 12 points of healing LIAM: Did I mention I’m a monk? LAURA: Then I’m going to cast Cure Wounds on myself as well at 2nd-level SAM: Well, we only have about another two weeks of walking before we get to Xhorhas LAURA: Yeah, no joke SAM: Unless you make us a wagon with paint and also horses LIAM: And pavement SAM: And pavement. What about bicycles? You could paint eight bicycles TRAVIS: Nobody knows what that is SAM: It’s a weird dream I had MATT: Strange gnomish engineering that’s still in the early development stages LAURA: I don’t think there’s anything that would really help us down here that I could paint SAM: Do one of you magic-y people have some way of, next time we see a monster, instead of killing it, we could command it to carry us, or something? TALIESIN: We could command it to carry us We could ask it politely to carry us LAURA: Yeah, I actually do have the ability to command things, but they have to be able to understand me, and I didn’t think that those rock things probably spoke our language TALIESIN: We never used the magic words, to be fair LAURA: Well, you know, we could have said pretty please TALIESIN: Please, thank you It gets you so far LAURA: You don’t know. I could try it SAM: Next time LAURA: Next time! SAM: On we go MATT: Continuing down the familiar, monotonous carved tunnel. If you’re keeping the same order, make your perception checks, keeping a watch out front LIAM: Dancing Lights is up LAURA: Ooh! 24 MATT: Nice. You move on for the remainder of the day before getting to a point where you’re starting to get a little tired, and you figure you can continue to push on if you
want to, but you’ll begin to push into possible exhaustion territory. You’ve now hit what would be a full day’s worth of travel, and this burrowed tunnel continues on. You’ve found one chamber and then passed it, so at least you know there’s probably more to come in the level you are currently traveling in, but this day’s travel, after that last encounter, you have not found another chamber MARISHA: I haven’t seen any form of writing, no offshoots, nothing like that? MATT: Nope. But the good news is as long as you have this tunnel, you know at least you’re probably on the right track TALIESIN: If you want, I can Stone Shape I can push us in a– LIAM: We can do the same TALIESIN: I’m going to carve a hole about the size of what we need so we can be pressed into the wall MATT: Okay. And the width of that is? LIAM: Oh, it’s– hold on a second TALIESIN: It might be too big for me to carve MATT: I think it might be a bit large to carve the whole thing LIAM: I can’t remember. Almost there Ten-foot radius, yeah MATT: Ten-foot radius, yeah. So you can carve part of it, and it’ll still be partially exposed, but he can color it as he wants, and with the stone, it’ll help somewhat camouflage it LAURA: Yeah, nothing can get through it anyway LIAM: We’ll repeat everything, and I will send Frumpkin up ahead of us 50 feet to stay up all night, as a guard to come running back in if need be MATT: So you guys spend the evening Another long rest Roll perception for Frumpkin for the evening, if you don’t mind LAURA: I’m going to cast Sending MATT: Okay LAURA: I’m going to cast Sending for Yeza I’m going to say: It’s me again. Can you let us know if you’ve been on the move, or if you’re staying in the same place? SAM: Out of the tunnels? LAURA: Are you in the tunnels still? TRAVIS: Are you in the tunnels? MATT: There’s a brief pause and then, “Ah No, they just have me in a room. We haven’t been traveling underground since we got out, but they have me in the city now.” LAURA: (whispers) Shit SAM: Why’d you say “shit”? What’s going on? LAURA: He’s already in the city. We’re not going to be able to ambush them, you guys SAM: Okay, well, we’ll come up with another plan. You guys are smart TRAVIS: Yeah, and there wasn’t much of an ambush we could do anyway It’s one way in, one way out. We’ll be fine MARISHA: It’s more information, which is always good LAURA: Yeah SAM: Let’s go to sleep so we can start early in the morning MATT: Perception for Frumpkin? LIAM: 17 for Frumpkin MATT: Good to know. The evening goes by. Frumpkin does notice throughout the evening some movement through the tunnel: a strange creature, similar to what seemed to be the stalagmite-type roper creatures who you had fought before, but a little smaller, scooting along the ceiling. It made it through the tunnel, over top of you guys, and then continued on without noticing or caring about the location where you had placed and camouflaged your evening’s rest. The next morning comes to You continue traveling? All right. Keeping a watch out, Laura, please, as Jester, roll your perception check. It’s a long subterranean journey for me doing day-to-day here. I’m sorry TALIESIN: Oof SAM: Barf LAURA: That’s a bad one. Eight MATT: Okay. You got a keen eye out there in front of you LAURA: Sorry, guys. I rolled really well yesterday, though MATT: This day is the hardest so far, because it is an entire eight-plus hours of just winding tunnel. Once again, that continuous pace. It seems to dip at times and then it picks up. It has its own organic shifting to it in small bits, but it is a day of travel of that same ten-foot wide, continuous tunnel, and it is maddening LAURA: (singing) 66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer ALL: (singing) Take one down, pass it around, 65 bottles of beer on the wall LAURA: (strained singing) 21 bottles of beer on the wall– LIAM: Also, all throughout the day, once an hour, Caleb says: It’s 2:00 SAM: Shut up
LIAM: An hour goes by– MATT: Perfect LIAM: It’s 3:00 SAM: No TRAVIS: You know, if you’re going to do those, maybe put some chimes behind them so you can be like a bell tower LAURA: I use Thaumaturgy every time he says it to make the bing-bong noise LIAM: An hour later: Ding-dong ding-dong It’s 4:00 MATT: All right. That day’s travel goes by uneventful. So day three is done, do you guys set up camp once more here in the tunnel? LAURA: Same deal? I’m going to send a message to Yeza MATT: Okay LAURA: S’me again TRAVIS: Is “s’me” one word? “s” apostrophe m-e? Okay MATT: I think so LAURA: How long were you in these tunnels? Do you know? How do you feel? We’re on the way. Your wife misses you a lot. She loves you TRAVIS: She loves LAURA: Shit. I thought that meant I used two, I had three left. Shit. She loves MATT: She loves a lot TRAVIS: I’m roughly counting, so I don’t know MATT: All you hear is, “I can’t.” LAURA: Oh no! SAM: What is that? What’s the “oh no”? What is that? That’s even worse than “oh shit.” What is that? LAURA: I just think somebody was– he wasn’t alone this time and he couldn’t respond is all SAM: Is he okay? LAURA: Yeah! He just said “I can’t” so I was like “Oh! Okay.” That’s all SAM: Like I can’t breathe? I can’t live anymore? LAURA: No like, I can’t talk to you he basically said, “I can’t talk to you right now, I’m busy.” TALIESIN: I can’t eat this, I can’t floss, there’s all sorts of things people can’t do LAURA: I think he was in the middle of dinner TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I can’t do all sorts of things when I’m eating LAURA: Yeah. It’ll be okay, Nott It’ll be okay SAM: Yes, I know. We’ll find him TRAVIS: Nott, I have to say I’ve been feeling pretty bad hearing that you drowned previously I want to apologize for making you face your fear over and over again. No, I’ve been giving you some shit, and as someone who has experienced the same thing, I commend you for your bravery SAM: You’ve experienced the same thing; you’ve drowned? TRAVIS: Yeah SAM: Oh, that’s right TRAVIS: That’s cool, don’t worry about it. Yeah SAM: Well, you didn’t know How would you have known? TRAVIS: No, but thank you all the same LIAM: You took a lot of courage to go in. I was not very helpful in that regard either. You did not tell us what was going on. Why would you? You still went in for a long time. So, sorry SAM: No, it’s all right. I’m sorry that I wasn’t more helpful in that earlier fight when I panicked and didn’t go in the water. But it’s not so bad if you’re down in the water with your friends LIAM: Oh! It’s nine o’clock SAM: Fuck you! (laughter) SAM: Your people did this to me! (laughter) MATT: So you settle in for your third evening here underground LAURA: I’m going to use a spell! SAM: I assume they’ve been making food for us and stuff? LAURA: Yeah! MATT: I would hope so, because your provisions are going to run out pretty quickly otherwise LAURA: Sure, we’ve been making food TALIESIN: Yeah, I had that spell set up. Sure MATT: Divine mac and cheese. Doesn’t taste divine, just is divine LAURA: I can’t do the spell I was going to do because I forgot I didn’t have it prepared, but maybe tomorrow! MATT: Maybe tomorrow. So same set up? Evening’s rest, Frumpkin’s keeping watch Go ahead and roll perception check for Frumpkin LIAM: Ah, six MATT: Six, okay good to know TRAVIS: Oh, fucking balls MATT: As the evening goes on Frumpkin doesn’t notice anything LIAM: Good cat MATT: You wake up. Your fourth day begins You gather your things and begin to trek even further into this single, perpetual, tunnel MARISHA: Hey guys. I’m just saying, if we’re going to be underground in a blank, boring, shit-hole
tunnel for a whole ‘nother day, I still have some of these mushrooms left over from Mollymauk SAM: It would pass the time MARISHA: Might just help make it fun TRAVIS: Wow, really? Now? MARISHA: I’m real bored TRAVIS: It’s super dark. Lives could be at jeopardy at any moment, and you want to trip? LAURA: Yeah, it’s true. If those cone-head thingys come out again, I don’t want any of you not being aware of what’s happening MARISHA: I’m just so bored TRAVIS: Yeah LIAM: You’re bored? MARISHA: Yeah LIAM: Really? Look at this. Frumpkin gets up onto his hind legs and does a little– (laughter) LAURA: Oh, Beau! You know what we could do? Here, take this. I’m going to give her the smutty book that you gave me just recently MARISHA: (gasps) LAURA: Wait, wait, wait! Read it out loud! MARISHA: Okay! TRAVIS: Why do you do these things? LAURA: Now we can all have entertainment while we’re walking! SAM: It’s like listening to a podcast when you’re driving to work MARISHA: It already starts good, you guys It was a glistening night– TRAVIS: Oh, crap. No MARISHA: The snow fell on the winding paths SAM: Oh, just like the path we’re on! MARISHA: It was chilly. She could feel her nipples getting hard It starts so soon, it starts so soon! LAURA: I mean, normally it doesn’t take, but– TALIESIN: That was going right into it TRAVIS: Constitution saving throw! MATT: This is just an overall penalty to stealth (laughter) TRAVIS: Is there anything on the ceiling as I awkwardly stare up at it? MATT: Both you and Jester both make perception checks TRAVIS: Oh, I was kidding, but– MARISHA: She felt the warmth of a fire. She could feel his warm touch as it was grasping around– SAM: Around what? Around her waist? Around her buttocks? What? TRAVIS: 17 MARISHA: As his strong, burly, hairy arms wrapped around her waist, she could feel her breath leaving her bodice This is so good, Jester! LAURA: I know! Thank you, Caleb MATT: Travis TRAVIS: Yes MATT: Fjord, at this point, trying to ignore that and facing forward, is continuing. The path, this protracted tunnel, you begin to notice smaller tunnels intersecting with it TRAVIS: Like on the sides, or–? MATT: Like one on the side, one a little higher TRAVIS: Up in front of us? SAM: While I’m listening to Beau, I’m going to fold my arms so no one can see the shape of my nipples right now (laughter) MATT: All right LIAM: You know, you are a very good reader You give it a lot of character MARISHA: (stuttering) Thanks As she reached down– TRAVIS: Man, I hate to interrupt, but you know, we have some divergent pathways ahead TALIESIN: How big are they? MATT: You look up and you can see. They are maybe about two, three feet wide each. From what you can see, the entrance to the first one on the right that’s on the right side, a lot of dirt and rock has been pushed into it. It’s kind of closed off You walk up to the second one. It’s a little more up on the left, higher range of it, and you can see there are bits of stone and dirt that have fallen out and created a small pile on the ground beneath it TRAVIS: Yeah LIAM: Do they bear any resemblance to the giant hole that we were following? MATT: No TRAVIS: Hey, you want to send that cat of yours about 50 feet behind us? LIAM: Oh, behind us? LAURA: Do we hear anything coming from the tunnels? MATT: You, who have been so distracted by the reading of the book, hear nothing TRAVIS: It looks like two of those had stuff pushed into it That one looks like something came out of it TALIESIN: Wouldn’t maybe if you were traveling these caves, you would’ve capped them because of things that kept popping out of the wall? MATT: Caleb, looking at this, you figure these tunnels existed before this burrowing happened, and it looks like when this worm came through, it tore through whatever these tunnels were and pushed shit into them and wrecked a little bit of this tunnel structure TRAVIS: That one came into this one, though After the big guy came through TALIESIN: What? MARISHA: That’s funny, that was exactly what was about to happen. I’m sorry, what? I’m going to– I bookmarked it TRAVIS: Caduceus, go look up front! Jesus, god SAM: He can’t see in the dark TALIESIN: I’ve got a light. Does it look like these were– I’m going to go up to one and examine it. Do I hear anything? Do I see any scrapings that would give a sign? MATT: Make a perception check TALIESIN: It’s 15 MATT: Listening in, looking up there, you don’t see anything– the one to the right,
you don’t see anything, you don’t hear anything TALIESIN: These markings on the interior– MATT: You do notice some markings, quick little cuts in the dirt or stone, like hand or claw marks dragged across bits of it. Small TALIESIN: Something burrowed MATT: You see the pile of rocks and dirt that have fallen along the top. You glance over and you can see something somewhat shiny that’s picking up the light from your globe TALIESIN: I’m going to clean it off a bit MATT: It looks like a hammer, but it’s not well taken care of, per se. Your nose picks up a little bit of the air here; it smells somewhat rancid, a little bit. Just a faint hint of rot TRAVIS: Anything behind us? TALIESIN: I’m worried about the things around us LIAM: How high off of the ground is that hole? MATT: It’s about ten feet up. The whole tunnel is one big ten-foot side to side TALIESIN: I’m going to clear away a little bit more. Is there a body underneath this pile? MATT: No body TALIESIN: Just a hammer? MATT: Yeah, just like a discarded tool TALIESIN: I’ll take a look at the hammer MATT: It’s a hammer. It looks like it’s seen a lot of use TRAVIS: Why? Why a hammer? MATT: The metal’s wrecked a little bit in places and it’s been bludgeoned and misused TALIESIN: I think someone got grabbed SAM: Are the rocks around here dug out, like someone was digging? MATT: Make an investigation check SAM: 28 MATT: They have been dug, and you see signs that they were dug out by hand and dug out by shovel, or some sort of a tool used for digging SAM: From above, or from–? MATT: From above and the side. You get the sense that the one that opens up here connected to the other one, and this tunnel was burrowed in the middle and took out that connecting point TALIESIN: I’ve got a crazy idea TRAVIS: What, that we can be under the Ashkeeper Peaks and these are mining tunnels? TALIESIN: Well, no– that’s great That’s way better SAM: He just wanted to play Parcheesi LAURA: What were you thinking, Caduceus? TALIESIN: I think that this was some sort of pathway and maybe this closed-off pathway here is possibly the way to go, I don’t know. I feel like we might have found a way of sneaking into where we’re going SAM: Sneaking in? MARISHA: Is there any remnants of precious metals, coals, things that would be mined? MATT: Looking around here, most of it appears to be carved stone and dirt TALIESIN: If anyone doesn’t mind, I’m going to pull out my shovel and start working on this TRAVIS: I think we’re dead under this mountain-peak, right? (counting) We’re like (taps) MARISHA: We’ve got to be, right? TALIESIN: This blocked off path that this got bisected– SAM: So we could go up to get out if we wanted to get out TALIESIN: Or we could go down this way, because I don’t think there’s that much dirt in this– MATT: Well, the tunnel continues also It’s up to you guys LIAM: We can bail if we wanted to, perhaps MARISHA: Would I know the exact boundary line of Xhorhas between the Empire? Do they use the mountains? MATT: The Ashkeeper Peaks are what divides the two sides of eastern and western Wynandir, yeah TRAVIS: Might as well see where this thing goes We can keep going if we have to SAM: We can go see the sun for a couple of hours, get some vitamin D, and then come back down MARISHA: If we’re under the mountains, it could be a long way up, and we don’t know what those mountains look like. I mean, I don’t know, it also could be fall and temperate and beautiful TRAVIS: There could be pigeons on the mountaintop SAM: Edible pigeons? TRAVIS: Is there another kind? SAM: No LAURA: I read scary books when I was little about these creatures that lived in the mountains that were see-through because they lived underground for so long, but they had really long claws and they would snatch up babies TRAVIS: Not helping LAURA: I’m just saying maybe we should avoid them TALIESIN: I’m going to start prodding to see how deep this cap on this bottom one goes MATT: It’s a couple of feet deep, and the rest of the tunnel goes beyond, but for you, Caduceus, it’s a tight squeeze. We’re talking Bishop in Aliens getting through the tunnel TALIESIN: I’m going to take a look in there Do I feel any wind, anything–? MATT: No TALIESIN: It’s just stagnant air? MATT: Yeah. There’s no breeze in here, no SAM: If we go topside, what are the possible benefits of doing that? LIAM: Well, not going to Xhorhas and getting murdered by far greater forces– SAM: We’re going to Xhorhas LIAM: — but I think we’re going to Xhorhas SAM: We could go up and maybe find a horse or something and coax it down here to take us faster
TALIESIN: A horse on the top of the mountain? SAM: I don’t know, if this miner fellow who was eaten alive left a couple of horses tied up there– TALIESIN: Why would he leave horses on top of a mountain? SAM: Why would you bring them into the mountain? You would leave them tied up on top LAURA: What if it’s not a miner from the top? What if it’s one of the creatures that I was talking about and this is his hammer and the tunnel actually– SAM: The worm’s hammer? LAURA: No, what if it’s a creature that lives in the mountain and he’s got a hammer and one of these tunnels leads to his village under the mountain and it’s a whole village of scary people that’s going to attack us as soon as we– SAM: Caduceus, cast Talk to Objects Ask the hammer TALIESIN: What would you like me to ask the hammer? SAM: Who was your owner? LIAM: There is really only one reason to use the side tunnels TALIESIN: Who was your owner? LIAM: To leave LAURA: (whispering) To go poop, because there’s not really a lot of privacy– LIAM: You can do that anywhere TALIESIN: The hammer is very obstinate, but I would imagine that’s expected of a hammer I’m not going to say it wasn’t worth a try I would have been surprised, but I would have been delighted as well TRAVIS: Do we have any real positives for going up? I honestly can’t think of any LIAM: Only if we wanted to give up, which we are not doing, so we go forward MARISHA: (laughs) Okay, here’s the other thing, though– sorry, I’m dying at the hammer This is, arguably, going to lead to a nexus, right? Like an entry point? TALIESIN: Yeah MARISHA: So what’s on the other si– Did they build a military base around the entrance to this tunnel system and is that what we’re about to walk into? SAM: If we go up? MARISHA: If we go forward. If we keep following this, is it going to lead us– TRAVIS and TALIESIN: There’s no way to know MARISHA: Yeah, no, I know. I was just kind of throwing it out there TRAVIS: How far can Frumpkin go? TALIESIN: Actually, that’s a good idea. Can we send Frumpkin down one of these tiny tunnels? LIAM: Quite a ways, but if he gets too far away, I no longer have the ability to communicate with him TRAVIS: How about just to that edge, then? LIAM: Ja, okay TALIESIN: Cool MATT: So you send Frumpkin ahead? LIAM: Sure MATT: Roll a perception check for Frumpkin. In the dark, so disadvantage on the perception check LIAM: Ja, but advantage with smell if there’s anything stinky MATT: Okay, good to know LAURA: Wait, wait, wait. I have an idea MATT: What’s your idea? LAURA: What if I cast Daylight? We could tie a ribbon around Frumpkin’s neck, I cast Daylight on his neck, on the ribbon, and then he can see wherever he goes TALIESIN: I can cast Light on the ribbon, too, so you don’t have to burn a spell LAURA: Hey, that’s better than that TALIESIN: I cast Light on something tied to Frumpkin LAURA: I take a ribbon off my horn and wrap it around Frumpkin’s neck MARISHA: That’s a good idea LIAM: Put the ribbon on the backside so it’s not right in his eyes MATT: You tie a little ribbon around Frumpkin’s neck, you cast Light, and now the ribbon gives off this torchlight glow from the back of Frumpkin LIAM: For the first ten seconds, Frumpkin goes– (laughter) TRAVIS: Get it off! LIAM: But gets used to it, and then trots off MATT: Now roll a straight perception roll for Frumpkin LIAM: I did, I rolled twice, so it’s a 16 perception MATT: 16, okay. Frumpkin continues on 50 feet, 80 feet. About another hundred feet or so, there’s another tunnel intersection; it’s breached by this carving path. Then, about another 130 feet or so, another chamber opens up. This chamber is about 40 foot by 80 foot and the smell here is strong, Frumpkin picks up on. It smells of rot, mildew, feces. It’s not a pleasant smell, and there are piles of refuse and furs and utensils and belts and odd objects that are thrown into piles here You can see a number of other tunnels that all intersect into this area LIAM: Is there any immediate reaction to a glowing cat entering into this big chamber? MATT: Nope TALIESIN: Maybe roll back and try one of these smaller tunnels also, just to see what’s a few feet down, maybe? LIAM: I can’t hear anybody TALIESIN: I mean, it seems like the thing to do TRAVIS: He can’t hear us TALIESIN: What? LAURA: Oh, Caduceus TALIESIN: Yeah? LAURA: He can’t hear us when he’s doing these things TALIESIN: Really? LIAM: How many chambers are– Is it just many, many– MATT: Ten or so different tunnels lead into this chamber, all ranging between two feet wide to about three feet wide LIAM: I’m just watching. I can no longer send commands, I can only go along for the ride
to watch. Am I seeing anything like mining equipment? MATT: You see a small broken shovel. There are piles of dirt, bones, coins. Looks like a lot of things that have been gathered. You can see warped pieces of wood that are partially whittled and then abandoned in the moment Stacks of a bunch of junk LIAM: Okay MATT: Frumpkin hears a small growl and looks, and in the far-right corner, there’s a small cage In the cage, there’s some sort of a furred creature, no more than that big or so, that’s missing tufts of fur, and it’s in the cage going (growling) LIAM: Okay, I leave him there and come out of it LAURA: What’d you see? LIAM: Well, it’s a good walk a ways, and then there is a larger chamber with many different exits to it, and my good boy saw some sort of creature in a cage LAURA: How big of a creature? LIAM: Wuh LAURA: Did it seem cute? LIAM: Hard to tell SAM: You said there’s a lot of entrances and exits to this place? LIAM: Yeah MATT: They’re platforms, the topography of the inside– it’s not just a perfectly oval thing It has a bunch of pieces of rock and stone and levels where these tunnels are emerging and appearing SAM: We know that the cricks have been making many attacks, so maybe this is where they go, this is Grand Central and then they shoot off to different places to attack LIAM: Or this is an old abandoned place. You know, I don’t know what the right thing to do is because if we keep following this tunnel, we could roll right up into their backyard where they ended their journey, walk right into them. However, we don’t really know where this place is going; we don’t know how far it is from where your husband is going to be. We don’t know what dangers are above us. However, we could come in and try to find him, not walking directly into their line of sight, right into their face, or their butt, or what-have-you I don’t know what the right thing to do is SAM: I don’t either TRAVIS: My two cents: I think they did a pretty good job of closing up these tunnels, right? Made it so that the average Joe or even someone able-bodied would be unable to follow them I think this is probably the last place they think someone would come from Above ground, pretty sure they’re covered LAURA: That’s a good point, Fjord LIAM: That is a good point TALIESIN: I just wish we knew what these things were. I would have loved to explore some of these TRAVIS: They’re small, right? They’re small tunnels MATT: Yeah TRAVIS: Yeah, I mean, we’re already dealing with the two-body-width tunnel as it is; I don’t want to shrink it down any lower and really be fucked TALIESIN: My thought was we could send the cat up and down really quick and just take a look TRAVIS: Send the cat? TALIESIN: We have a cat we can just send down the smaller tunnel really quick I don’t know why we don’t just take a peek LAURA: That is what we’re doing TALIESIN: We sent the cat down the big tunnel MATT: Yeah, the cat continued down the big tunnel and found that other chamber. The tunnel continues past that chamber, by the way TRAVIS: I thought the cat went up the small tunnel LAURA: Me too TALIESIN: I had a funny feeling MATT: No, this was Frumpkin going ahead on the tunnel you guys were traveling and found that other chamber, and the tunnel continues on the other side of this chamber LIAM: We didn’t take the side with Frumpkin. Just confusion, that’s fine TRAVIS: Yeah, let’s send him up the small one. That’s what I was thinking LAURA: Yeah, bring him back LIAM: Well, he knows to come back in five minutes if he does not hear from me, so we have to wait MATT: Yep. Frumpkin returns TALIESIN: I’d say the downward one, just a quick look, not too far down Top one, quick look, not too far up LAURA: Yeah. Go down the little ones? MATT: Frumpkin heads into the small side tunnel Curves around about 20 or so feet, and then it opens up into another small chamber. What Frumpkin sees is a ten by 15-foot opening area with a pile of matted material, like cloth– it may have been at one point, but it’s soiled. You see two figures sitting there. One of them is in the process of fitting something together or pulling something apart, and the other is currently gnawing on some sort of a long-dried bone. They’re tiny, humanoid, longer snout, tails, scaly skin. I would say, lizard- or almost dragon-like, but very tiny They’re both sitting in there, spears set to the side (gnawing noises)
LIAM: About how far away from me has Frumpkin gone at this point? MATT: About 30 or so feet LIAM: 30 or so feet. (snaps fingers) Pull him back. I don’t know if they saw him or not; he is glowing MATT and LIAM: Mm-hmm MATT: The last thing Frumpkin sees is them go (hiss) LIAM: (fwoomp) Little lizard people down that way, and they saw my cat LAURA: Cool TALIESIN: I’d rather them see us now than– TRAVIS: I’ll run up and push myself up against the wall, against where the tunnel is, just in case they decide to come out that way LIAM: I will take the other side of it and do the same thing MATT: Okay. You guys all heading to split to the sides? TALIESIN: Yeah, we’re going to fan out TRAVIS: Do we hear any movement coming from the tunnel? MATT: You hear a (snarling), and you see a spearhead slowly emerge from the tunnel and its head poke out ever so slightly Make stealth checks, guys, by the way, because this is now going to see you LAURA: I cast Pass Without a Trace on all of us while we were hiding. Is that okay? MATT: I’ll say a straight stealth check on this one, this happened too quickly LAURA: Okay SAM: May I use my cloak? MATT: Yeah, your cloak affects any stealth check you make, for the most part TRAVIS: Yasha rolled a six MATT: Cool TRAVIS: Fjord rolled a 15 MARISHA: 17 MATT: All right SAM: Caleb? LIAM: Oh, a 17 SAM: 21 LAURA: Eight TALIESIN: 20 MATT: Okay. It pokes its head out (sniffs) Looks right over towards Fjord and goes (questioning chitters) TRAVIS: I reach down and grab the spear and yank it out of its hands! MATT: (yelling) TRAVIS: What are you?! (yells) MATT: The one behind it looks through and is like (alarmed hiss) and turns around and runs down the hall, and the one that’s there is like (panting) LIAM: I pull out a small, little stone pyramid in my hand and mutter a few words and then cast Tongues and speak to this little thing MATT: All right. Well, as you’re casting the spell, you hear the one that ran back go like (shouts of alarm) LAURA: Oh no MARISHA: Oh jeez MATT: You begin to hear this echoing sound of lots of claws scurrying their way through the nearby tunnels TRAVIS: No! No, no! MATT: And that’s where we’re going to go and take a break (yelling) LIAM: That’s the best! TALIESIN: We’ve got to get both out of them MARISHA: Talk to them, tell them we’re friends! LAURA: Stop them! MATT: We’ll come back here in just a moment to pick up from there LIAM: Did I hear something like, “Look at these motherfuckers out there!”? MATT: As you were casting the spell, this suddenly happens– it wasn’t finished– and when we come back, I’ll begin to give you the idea of what you’re beginning to hear TRAVIS: Oh, shit MATT: So we’ll be back here in a few minutes from break. As part of our giveaway, we have these really cool custom Valentine’s Day dice vaults here. You can pick up your own special vault They’re customized with five wood and inlay options, and your own message is translated in Elvish, which you can see there. They’ll arrive before Valentine’s Day if you order before February 7th, so you’ve got to get to that soon We’re giving away these two tonight, two lucky winners. The key word for this is “underground,” one word, “underground.” Come on over to the Critical Role Twitch chat, that’s twitch.tv/criticalrole. Enter the word “underground” once– more than once, you’ll be disqualified– and we’ll come back with the winners. This is only good, of course, in the United States and Canada, excluding Quebec But yeah, we’ll see you guys here in a few minutes TRAVIS: Oh shit! MATT: Hello everyone, and welcome back. We have our two winners for the two dice vaults The first winner is Rickymarooo! SAM and TRAVIS: Rickymarooo! MATT: The second one, it appears to be– it’s 2r0m0c0. Congratulations, you? TRAVIS: Bot username MARISHA: Yeah, bot! MATT: We’ll get you guys your successful wins soon. Before I forget, I was going to mention it beforehand, I totally forgot. For those who don’t know, there’s a Rick and Morty versus Dungeons and Dragons comic book MARISHA: Oh yeah! MATT: They just released the fourth and final issue. It’s written by our friend of the show, Patrick Rothfuss, if you remember from campaign one ALL: (mimicking Matt) Patrick Rothfuss LAURA: Author extraordinaire MATT: Patrick Rothfuss! Drawn by Jim Zub It’s a great team, and a number of people from the community make little cameos in it Our friend and love of all D&D, Chris Perkins, is in it, Satine’s in it. Apparently I’m in this issue? Which is kind of nuts. So yeah It’s pretty awesome, you should check it out if you have the opportunity TALIESIN: It’s pretty great MATT: It’s pretty awesome. Gary Gygax’s ghost says a fun phrase TRAVIS: Same page as you MATT: Indeed. Anyway. Getting back into the insanity, you had just grabbed the spear from a
nearby kobold as the other one rushed off. I would like for you to make a strength check, please TRAVIS: Oh, good. This is my forte these days MARISHA: You were just lifting so many pebbles, you’ll be great TRAVIS: 11 SAM: Against a tiny little thing MATT: No. You grab its spear and it goes (yell) TRAVIS: Fuck! That’s so embarrassing! MATT: And pulls it back from you as you hear the mounting skittering of numerous creatures now coming from behind where you were and from the nearby tunnels. What are you guys doing? LIAM: Wait, just to specify, from up where Frumpkin just was, from that direction? Or multiple directions? MATT: Multiple directions, behind you LIAM: They’re in the honeycombs in the ceiling, right? MATT: Apparently LIAM: Yeah LAURA: I cast Disguise Self and make myself look like a giant one of them MARISHA: Oh man, not again! TRAVIS: We should run. We should go TALIESIN: Let’s head to the tunnel, then head to the main room TRAVIS: Just run forward MARISHA: (yelling) MATT: As you’re casting the spell, transforming into a larger kobold, you start rushing forward. Are you guys all heading forward with Fjord? MARISHA: I will head forward– LIAM: Mage Armor MARISHA: — but power walking like a badass, strolling behind, in case I want to deck some kobolds in the face MATT: Okay. You guys charge forward around the corner into the next chamber. That chamber has about 20 or so kobolds that have emerged from, or are in the process of emerging from, the different tunnels, that are all facing your direction with small, dinged blades and crossbows that look like they might work. Spears, and small leather and wood shields, and they all fill the chamber in front of you, going (chittering, snarling) They’re holding the line. What are you doing? LIAM: We have come to speak, I say, in whatever language I now understand and speak TALIESIN: I’m going to augment that LAURA: I act like I’m saying it LIAM: Oh, I made it very clear and held my hand MATT: Yeah. There’s definitely a confused division and attention here as they’re like (chittering) TRAVIS: World of magic and mystery! TALIESIN: They can all hear you LIAM: We have come through to chase a large serpent through these caves and eradicate it MATT: The ones behind Beau– as you’re strolling up and he’s shouting this out, there are about ten or so kobolds that begin to rush up from behind, and they see you, and they slow their step and start taking their spears and prodding you to join the rest of the people LAURA: Also, tell them that I’m their god LIAM: Easy MATT: There’s one in the center. Of all of them that are there, there’s one that is covered in cages and boxes and leather straps. There’s another that has heavy pieces of armor, almost weighing him down. You see others that look like skirmishers that are all gathered around, and they all have this growling, barking energy They look a bit hungry, a bit sallow, and the one that’s in the full armor steps forward towards you and you and is looking back and forth and gives you this curious look LIAM: We are here looking for a scourge in these mountains. Oh boy We mean you no harm. We wish to pass through MATT: (grunts) You hear him say, in Draconic, “Come forth, loud meal.” TRAVIS: Nice, Draconic! LAURA: Oh man, I was trying to make it look like I was talking, Caleb! Argh! MATT: There are a number that are staring at you in half awe, like– TRAVIS: Deity! LIAM: In Draconic, saying– well, through the spell: I am one meal, but my friends can make more food than me. I am– MATT: Do you approach? LIAM: I take two steps forward MATT: All right, make a dexterity saving throw LIAM: Okay MARISHA: What? Why though? LIAM: Two steps forward– that’s an 11 MATT: As you’re saying this with intensity and force, you guys watch as suddenly there’s a cloud of dust around his ankles, and a rope loop wraps and pulls your legs together and hoists you up, and you’re now dangling about three, four feet off the ground LIAM: I only take this as a minor setback We can still work this out MATT: At which point all the kobolds– there’s this large wave of cackles The one raises his hand up and they all get quiet and he goes– TALIESIN: That’s pretty funny! MARISHA: That’s pretty good! MATT: “You! Loud food!” Points at the rest of you MARISHA: You’re just dangling
MATT: “You want pass?” Yep, as your hair is just dripping there and you’re slowly (creaking) LAURA: His coat up. Yeah MATT: He’s following you with this nasty looking shortsword that looks like the edges of it are grimed up with black oil or something LIAM: You do not want to tangle with the spirits I command. I snap my fingers and Frumpkin appears, and four globules of light float in a circle around Frumpkin MATT: “Ugh!” Takes a step back Make an intimidation check TRAVIS: Upside down MARISHA: Beware the spirit of the Maine Coon LIAM: Intimidation? That’s a 19 MATT: “He who summoned kitty spirit.” LIAM: You will be cursed for decades MATT: “We already cursed!” LAURA: What does it say? MATT: “You in no position. You in that position So you give one to feed, or trade for food.” He’s looking at you. He’s making this challenge to you, but is definitely keeping a distance, and is taking a step back from where he was standing so confidently in your direction LIAM: You expect me to hand over one of my own? MATT: “Yes!” LIAM: This cat will burn you– burn you all LAURA: He sounds very intimidating right now TALIESIN: I heard that, right? MATT: Yeah– LIAM: No, it’s in Drac– well, I don’t know I’m speaking through a spell, so– TALIESIN: Oh. Yeah MATT: Looking at the specifics of Tongues here SAM: Tongues MATT: “Any creature that knows at least one language can hear and understand it,” so it’s not so much that you’re speaking Draconic, but any creature that knows language can understand you So all of you hear this LIAM: So we’re all on the same page MATT: Yes LIAM: Oh, that’s excellent LAURA: Yay! We can make food TALIESIN: We can’t understand them, but we can understand you MATT: Actually, strangely enough, it’s speaking in broken Common TALIESIN and LAURA: Oh TALIESIN: Well, I mean, we can make some food I suppose, or we can let the cat have his way Is there any way I can just add a Thaumaturgy effect to the cat really quickly? MATT: How so? What do you want to enhance? TALIESIN: I want the ground around the cat to shake gently and start having a minor earthquake effect LIAM: Frumpkin stands and does that little– MATT: As Frumpkin does that, and the rocks shake and tumble around in this small quaking noise, about six of the nearby kobolds go (gasping), and start skitting away from it, holding their weapons at bay. Two of them in the tunnels all of a sudden go (squeaking), and climb up in the tunnels and vanish LAURA: Aww! TALIESIN: We have food, though LAURA: Yes, little me’s, we have food for you! Worship me! I am your leader! MATT: Make a deception check SAM: “I am your leader!” TALIESIN: Oh lord LAURA and TALIESIN: Ah! LAURA: 12 MATT: You see two of them begin to reach towards you, like– (excited breathing) LAURA: Yes! MATT: The one in the full armor goes, “No pay attention!” and slaps them with his spear and they (snarl) TRAVIS: How about the food? LAURA: We bring food for you MATT: “Trade!” TALIESIN: We’ll need containers. Do you have a couple of pots? Big containers MATT: “Sybil!” Points to one in there and you see this one kobold that’s covered in rags– kind of looks like the collector lady from Labyrinth– and pulls out this large, billowing leather sack that’s stained of all sorts of colors around its basis. (heavy breathing) It holds it up. Its jaw is slightly dislodged on one side and gives it this crooked grin to its face. Holds it open TALIESIN: Do you have one more? I can do two, if you’ve got two. I can do water, also Do you care about water? I can do water MATT: “We have water.” TALIESIN: That’s fair MATT: “Fill food!” TALIESIN: I’m going to take a little piece of fungus off the stick, and I’m going to put it in there, and I’m going to start casting Create Food and Water and it’s going to suddenly become 45 pounds of food MATT: (thudding) The thing all of a sudden slams into the ground, the heavy weight from the summoned meal hitting the heavy rock floor As soon as that kobold leans forward, pulled off of his feet and manages to stumble into it and look inside. (sniffs) “Whoa!” Begins to shovel it. The leader then goes, “Stop! We eat!” TALIESIN and LAURA: It’s good MATT: “Two may pass. More food for trade rest. Huh?”
LIAM: The Fey King is growing angry with you, and the globules of light start to spin a little quicker TALIESIN: A little more thunder maybe MATT: “Two and the Fey King can also pass.” LAURA: What about the leader– your leader? Can I go? MATT: You see the others all nervously looking towards the other, and you can see him feeling really intimidated by your presence. There’s this idea of him being the head of this sect and you storming in here, and he’s just– this jealous intensity as it stares towards you and goes, “Do not listen! Why you come?” LAURA: I came because I’m a really good friend of yours. I’m a leader here, and also I just wanted to go through with my friends? MATT: “False leader may go as well!” LAURA: Yes! TRAVIS: We have two gator skins in the bag of holding MATT: “What? Gator?” TRAVIS: Yeah MATT: “What?” TRAVIS: Are you interested in gator? It’s like real tough leather I mean, bet you could use it as some– TALIESIN: I don’t think they’d be interested It’s way too nice for them I don’t think that they really– MATT: You can see four other mouths watering as you’re describing this tough gator skin TALIESIN: That’s so expensive and difficult to come by, in this part of the world TRAVIS: I know, yeah, it’s so rare. I mean, maybe it’s better we just hold onto the gator TALIESIN: You don’t want– I mean, we certainly don’t want to give it up MATT: “Give us gator skin!” TALIESIN: Well TRAVIS: I don’t know. I mean, I could maybe part with one for the rest of us– MATT: “No! All of it!” TRAVIS: Well, all right. I pull out two gator skins. My friends will have to be able to go on their way TALIESIN: Mister Fjord, are you sure? TRAVIS: I mean, I hate to. They’re worth a fortune and, boy, the protection that they yield, mmm dogie. Ah– okay MATT: (satisfied grunt) Puts it over the side pouch of one of the other ones– carries it and, (excited grunt). Is that both of them? TRAVIS: Yeah LAURA: That’s all of us then, huh? We can go then? TALIESIN: Yeah, because there was the two, and then the other two, and then the king, and the leader LAURA: Then the leader, and then we had the friends with the– SAM: I’m only a half, really. I’m half LAURA: Then the guy that’s hanging That’s important, too TALIESIN: I think that’s half of the next person, that comes through at that point LAURA: Definitely MATT: One of them steps forward and goes, “I think that is–” “Shh! I’m making number!” SAM: I can also offer you this– I have a pouch of smoking tobacco. You could smoke this and it will make you forget your troubles MATT: It leans forward towards you, giving a look and goes, “You (sniffs), goblin.” SAM: Yes MATT: Make a persuasion check SAM: Jesus. 17 TALIESIN: Wow MATT: Takes the pouch from you. (sniffs) SAM: No. Don’t eat it. It’s for smoking, really You can eat it. Ugh! MATT: “Accepted.” SAM: All right MATT: Takes and places it in the pouch “(shouting Draconic),” it shouts You being able to recognize, saying, “All right, let them pass.” MARISHA: I jump down and take out one of my shurikens and chop Caleb free MATT: (thudding) Like a sack of potatoes LIAM: Is that 1d6? MATT: From that height? Yeah, that would be four points of bludgeoning damage MARISHA: Ah, jeez TALIESIN: I’m just making sure nobody’s tried to– I’ve been trying to keep an eye on things LAURA: Yeah, I don’t want them ganking our stuff TALIESIN: Nobody’s tried to gank anything, right? LAURA: I’ve got my hands on our stuff the whole time MATT: Okay. You’re keeping watch, and a few do get close and they’re definitely eyeing the various trinkets that dangle from your belts, but as any of them start getting close you grab and they pull back. The leader goes, “Go. Follow path of big worm. Make big mess. Go!” LAURA: Nugget, come on! TRAVIS: Wait, a path the big one? MARISHA: Make big mess? LAURA: Oh yeah, question about that: Did you see how many of them there were with the big worm? MATT: Just looking at you angrily, this– LAURA: The guys that made a big mess? MATT: “Big mess. Move through. No longer here.” LAURA: How long ago, do you know? MATT: “Days, weeks.” LAURA: Did it seem like a lot of people? MATT: “Very loud. Ruin tunnel.” LAURA: How big was the worm? MATT: “Very big.” SAM: They’re very small though, so in relation to them it may well be– LAURA: That’s true, it’s kind of– TRAVIS: Ask them if they’ve been all the way to the end of the– SAM: You can ask them LAURA: They understand us TRAVIS: Have you been all the way to the end of big mess tunnel? MATT: “No. No go.” TRAVIS: Why not? MATT: “Stay here, home. Eat food from you.” TALIESIN: That is fair LIAM: Do you know who is caged up, aways down this tunnel?
MATT: “What?” Points over to the small cage with the little creature, you mean? LIAM: Oh, it’s in this room? TRAVIS: Yeah, we ran forward LIAM: Oh, I see. Got it TRAVIS: Yeah, what is in that cage? MATT: “Is food.” LAURA: No, don’t eat it! SAM: Is it cute, or not? MATT: It’s pretty ragged TRAVIS: Are we going to pass judgment on this thing? Come on! Let’s just keep going and turn a blind eye TALIESIN: Is the cage locked, or is it just shut? MATT: From this distance, it looks closed SAM: If you rescue this thing, could it be cute ever? MATT: With a little TLC, maybe LAURA: I mean, we shouldn’t let it just die MATT: You’re not even sure what kind of creature it is. It kind of resembles a squirrel, kind of resembles a small dog, but it’s greasy and ratty and– SAM: Trade your dog for it LAURA: I’m not going to trade Nugget, no! SAM: Just trade Nugget for it LAURA: No TALIESIN: Are we going to be walking within 30 feet of that cage? MATT: Most likely, yeah TALIESIN: Okay, cool LIAM: I tell you what. Do you want this creature? LAURA: I mean, I don’t want it to suffer in a cage, Caleb LIAM: I will make one last offering to you I will give you the Fey King, in exchange for this creature here SAM: The cat? No, you can’t! MATT: Make a deception check TRAVIS: I know where you’re going with this This is going to backfire LIAM: Deception, you said? MATT: Yes LIAM: 16 MATT: 16? “You can give Fey King?” LIAM: He will bring blessings to your people MATT: “Take food, keep king.” LIAM: Okay. Take the f– okay. Telepathically, I tell Frumpkin: I’ll bring you back in one day, buddy. In my head, and he trods forward MATT: Okay, picks up the Fey King from the scruff of the neck and goes, “You I eat. Gain power “Bigger than that one. False leader.” MATT and LAURA: (snarling) MATT: “Let go!” All of them pull back and begin to disappear into the tunnels behind, and you guys are given a path through LIAM: We have food, the creature in the cage? MATT: The cage is just right there LIAM: I pick it up LAURA: Let’s open it up SAM and MARISHA: Take the whole cage TALIESIN: Once the cage is within 30 feet, I’m just going to pop it open with Thaumaturgy MATT: Okay, the creature immediately jumps out (shrieks), and darts off down the tunnel MARISHA: Ah, it’s rabies LAURA: Yay, it’s alive. Thanks, Caleb! TALIESIN: Bye, buddy MARISHA: The thing is going to die in ten more feet from something else TALIESIN: It’s going to be like one of those YouTube videos, where they let the mouse go in the forest and just the hawk– like ten feet MARISHA and TRAVIS: Yeah MATT: You guys continue on the path? TRAVIS: Uh-huh TALIESIN: It didn’t last one day MATT: As you’re leaving, Caduceus, you notice, that the leader leans over to two other kobolds, and whispers something to them TALIESIN: What do I hear? MATT: You hear a low muttering, but not in a language you understand TALIESIN: That’s interesting. Can your cat hear what they’re talking about? LIAM: Sure, but I’m not zooming into him right now TALIESIN: No, I’m going to walk by you and be like: They’re talking about something I don’t know if we want to keep an ear out for what they’re up to LIAM: (swoosh) MATT: So what was that? LIAM: Oh, I just jumped into the Fey King really quick to see if anything was happening MATT: Okay, after you guys leave, everyone scatters into the chambers, but stays behind and watches, and two of the kobolds slowly begin to follow behind the group in the tunnel after you LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: Cool MARISHA: Let’s let them do it for a little bit MATT: One of them is the one that’s covered in all the different boxes and pouches There’s a staff and it has an actual small cage, like the one that you just opened, on its side with something inside it. The other one just looks to be a small spear-holding scout and they’re both being quiet as they can, but the one carrying everything isn’t very quiet SAM: They’re on our tail? MATT: Caduceus, you can hear the gentle clanging of various accessories of this kobold trying to be quiet, pursuing you down the tunnel TALIESIN: As long as they’re keeping some distance SAM: Want me to take them out? Or at least– TALIESIN: Not yet SAM: Disarm them? LIAM: Let’s lead them away from the pack MARISHA: They might have useful information LAURA: They’re so cute TRAVIS: I don’t think that’s accurate
SAM: They both have weapons? MATT: Well, one of them is just covered in– TRAVIS: Shit MATT: –random shit. The other one has a spear You travel for about an hour or so, away from that, the tunnel continuing before you. They’re still staying back by about 60 or so feet MARISHA: Oh, so they’re not even being secretive about it MATT and MARISHA: They think they are TRAVIS: They’re watching us leave They’re escorting us out MARISHA: Got it TALIESIN: I think at some point– When’s the point where it’s time to bed down? Are we getting to that point? MATT: I’d say you’re probably within another hour or so of that TALIESIN: I think at some point we’re going to “bed down.” TRAVIS: Mm-hmm LAURA: Mm-hmm. Yeah TALIESIN: I think that’s a great idea LAURA: Yeah, and then we’ll go to sleep? TALIESIN: And then we’ll go to sleep SAM: “Go to sleep.” LAURA: Mm-hmm. Good idea MATT: All right. So you guys eventually reach that point and you begin to bed down. What do you do? TALIESIN: I’m just going to– I think we should– LAURA: Put on a show. I think they need some entertainment TRAVIS: Mm-hmm LAURA: Yeah MARISHA: You mean like as in: (projecting) Hey! We should go to sleep! Like that? LAURA: Yes! Oh, I’m feeling so tired MARISHA: My feet, they hurt LAURA: Also, I’m not a giant lizard anymore I’m not a big kobold. I’m me again MARISHA: Because you’re a god! LAURA: That’s right, I can take any form I want MARISHA: I’m glad to see your true form, mistress! LAURA: Yes! I’m glad everyone worships me like they should SAM: While they’re shouting at each other, I’m going to turn invisible MATT: Okay TRAVIS: There you go SAM: And I’m going to sneak back there MATT: Okay SAM: Back towards them MATT: Do you guys… lay down? What do you do? LAURA: I walk around dramatically for a while TRAVIS: Is the dome out? Are we summoning the whole thing? MATT: Is the dome out or are you waiting? LIAM: I have not done that yet– MARISHA: I’ll try to look for firewood, but I’m so exhausted LAURA: It’s going to be so hard to find wood down here in the tunnels LIAM: Point of clarification: are we travelling through worm tunnel at this point? MATT: Yes, you are LIAM: Okay. Which is how wide again, ten–? MATT: Ten feet LIAM: Ten feet across MATT: Always been ten feet LIAM: Ja, thank you TRAVIS: I’m sitting cross-legged on the floor, staring at the dirt LIAM: I don’t think we need to pull up the dome right now LAURA: Not yet, no MARISHA: No MATT: Okay. You guys– SAM: Am I nearing them? MATT: As you’re invisible– are you walking back towards their direction? SAM: Mm-hmm MATT: Okay. You see the two of them, around the bend, are both looking and the one with the spear is looking kind of eager. The one with all the shit on it is looking a little apprehensive and they’re both just watching and talking back and forth. (kobold speech) LIAM: Is Nott out of our sight? MATT: Yeah. Nott vanished a few minutes ago SAM: I’m going to try to sneak up on the one with the spear MATT: All right SAM: And get close to he or she and grab the spear out of their hand MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make a I would say, with advantage, make an athletics check to try and– SAM: 20 MATT: Seven. The spear vanishes from its hand SAM: I’ll throw it the opposite direction down the tunnel away from us MATT: (confused kobold noises) He looks confused and rubs his wrist and starts walking back towards the spear on the opposite side SAM: Then while he or she is going to get their spear, I’m going to try and grapple the weird one The one that’s all weird and shit MATT: Okay. Go ahead and make an athletics check SAM: Oh, not advantage MATT: I would say advantage because it doesn’t know you’re there. I’ll allow it. It’s fine SAM: Okay. 19 MATT: 19. Okay. If you’d like to describe your kobold (yells of surprise and disbelief) TRAVIS: You son of a bitch! You slow-playing son of a bitch LIAM: Playing the long game. The long con! MATT: Move over, Taliesin TALIESIN: Oh, am I moving over? Okay (pandemonium) LIAM: Oh my god! Long con! TRAVIS: That was good That was some bullshit TALIESIN: Holy shit MATT: There we go TALIESIN: I’m going to make some room here MATT: Welcome, Chris CHRIS: Thank you very much! SAM: What?! We were specifically told TRAVIS: Not playing ALL: Not playing!
MARISHA: Just visiting! CHRIS: This is a house of lies! (laughter) TALIESIN: Oh my god! CHRIS: No peeking TALIESIN: No peeking MATT: So. Suddenly, out of nowhere, apparates in the nervous energy of the moment the small goblin creature that you’ve been eyeing nervously as the group wandered through, and it just reaches out and grabs a hold of you CHRIS: Ah! Mommy! Mommy! SAM: Yeah, I am your mommy! Yeah! Deal with it! CHRIS: So this kobold has… he’s got flasks hanging off him by ropes and you can see that these flasks are basically just stoppered gourds and they’re clattering and banging together. He’s got a basket of swarming centipedes slung over his back SAM: Open? CHRIS: No, it’s also closed off, almost like a closed off net of centipedes SAM: Ugh LAURA: Oh my god CHRIS: With a rope attached to it. And then there is a clay pot hanging from that, that has an acrid smell rising from it and another clay pot tied to a rope that’s lashed around his shoulders. His weapon is a staff with a living scorpion tied at the top of it SAM: Caduceus, where are you when I need you? CHRIS: Its little tail jabbing at the air And the cage holds a creature that you recognise as a skunk TRAVIS: This fucking– TALIESIN: This is chemical warfare, man CHRIS: The worst is, tied to this stick with the scorpion on it is a bag that is buzzing loudly like it’s full of hornets SAM: Hey, bees LAURA: Hey, bees! MATT: So as you hear this sudden clattering commotion, and both this kobold voice screaming out, “Mommy!” and Nott going, “Yeah, mommy!” the other kobold down the way goes, (panicked kobold yelling) and runs off to grab the spear, you guys hear this noise What are you two doing? SAM: I’m going to– Oh, you two meaning me and Chris? MATT: Yeah. What’s your reaction CHRIS: I am trying to take my stick and hit him with the scorpion MATT: Go ahead and make an attack TRAVIS: Little scorpion on the end of the stick? CHRIS: Little scorpion TRAVIS: Please hit CHRIS: That is a– What is that? TALIESIN: That, I believe, is in fact a– LAURA: A natural 20? TALIESIN: I think that’s a natural 20 (laughter) TALIESIN: Yeah, that is! That’s your old Keyleth die, too. I’ve never seen it roll one in my life CHRIS: So it stings you on your eyelid. (Pfff!) SAM: Ah! TRAVIS: Yeah, best place CHRIS: You take one piercing damage and have to make a constitution saving throw MATT: So two piercing damage with the crit CHRIS: Oh. Sure, I like it. Yeah; two SAM: Con save? 21 CHRIS: Okay. You succeed and take half of this amount of damage. Which is LIAM: 79 MATT: Technically, the dice damage is doubled because it’s a crit too. So it’s just straight damage CHRIS: Oh, right yeah! Double poison damage, shit So that will be seven points of poison damage on you MATT: The eye immediately swells up from the impact and you’re like, “Ah!” Just spinning around in a circle. The one with the spear rushes up like, “Ergh!” Can’t quite figure out where to go What are you guys doing? TALIESIN: I’m going to get up LIAM: Walking towards the noise, ja SAM: I’ve got one! MATT: You rush around the corner and you see this whirling whirlwind of clattering pots and cage and goblin and kobold screaming. Anyone doing anything or are you just watching? LAURA: I’m going to cast Command MATT: All right LAURA: At second le– no. Yeah, second level And try to get both of them and say, Stop it! SAM: You’re commanding me too? LAURA: No, both of the MATT: Gotcha LIAM: The second one ran off down the hall a bit LAURA: Yeah, but it’s still within range MATT: All right. So it’s wisdom saving throws? LAURA: Yes, wisdom saving throw MATT: Go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw, if you don’t mind LIAM: And simultaneously, I am casting Enlarge on Nott the Brave MATT: Okay. So– CHRIS: I rolled a 14 minus two is 12 MATT: 12. 17 minus two which is 15 LAURA: They both have to stop it! MATT: So immediately, the one holding the spear looks at you, “Huh!” And you find yourself all of a sudden stop struggling and weapon freezes in place. At the same time, the tiny goblin arms around you suddenly Hulk out and you find yourself lifted off the ground,
your legs dangling a few inches off the floor of the cavern SAM: Don’t make mommy (much deeper) mad! (laughter) TALIESIN: Aww, come on LAURA: I mean SAM: Who are you? (deeper) What do you want? CHRIS: I’m Spurt! TRAVIS, MARISHA, SAM: Spurt?! MATT: “I’m Bex.” LAURA: Spurt and Bex? MATT: “Yeah.” CHRIS: We’re supposed to follow you to make sure you don’t drop any food! LAURA: Oh. We don’t have any food We already gave you all the food MATT: “Oh! (sigh)” CHRIS: Also, I’m supposed to stick a bunch of rock grubs in your mouth while you’re sleeping! SAM: What? Stick a bunch of what? MATT: “Don’t have to tell them this.” CHRIS: He’s really big! MATT: “Okay. Sorry!” LAURA: You guys, what the fuck are you doing? TALIESIN: I mean, I just feel bad, really, at this point LAURA: You’re so cute and stuff but like, don’t attack us; we’re really big TRAVIS: Jester, you killing them or what? LAURA: Yeah, no I’m going to kill them MATT: (scared kobold noises) LAURA: (whispered) I’m not going to kill you, don’t worry SAM: Run CHRIS: If you let us go, I’ll let you play with our centipault LAURA: What’s a centipault? MARISHA: I’m interested TRAVIS: You don’t want to play with that TALIESIN: No, I feel like we should hear this out SAM: Your centipault? CHRIS: Yeah. It’s an invention SAM: What does it do? CHRIS: It throws centipedes real far LAURA: That’s awesome! LIAM: Show us a demonstration and we will induct you to the Mighty Nein CHRIS: Tell mommy to let me go TALIESIN: Um… well SAM: All right TALIESIN: Mommy? SAM: Show us the centipault LAURA: But not on us Don’t attack us, okay? MATT: There’s only one other target in the chamber CHRIS: All right. Yes, exactly. So I will take off my green slime pot, and I will take off my rock grub pot, and I’ll lay down my scorpion stick, and my skunk in a cage, and my wasp in a bag TALIESIN: I like it CHRIS: And then I will begin assembling my centipault out of other oddities that I have on me LAURA: I’m going to open my sketchbook and draw all of it MATT: Learning the cutting-edge kobold technology SAM: Maybe we should set up some sort of target for the young man CHRIS: I’ll use him TRAVIS: What’d he say? SAM: He’s going to shoot centipedes at you LAURA: Don’t worry, we’ll heal you TRAVIS: Sounded like there’s something that shoots centipedes on me MARISHA: No, that’s exactly what he said CHRIS: Then you hear this sound: (pthwoing) MARISHA: Do you have bug allergies? Oh, no TRAVIS: (panicked screaming) MARISHA: Have you been stung? LIAM: Leeches! MATT: Fjord just comes running down the hallway TRAVIS: (screaming) MATT: The kobold in right in front of you goes, “Ah!” Just screams at you as you slam into it The spear goes clattering to the ground TALIESIN: That’s really neat LAURA: That’s really cool MARISHA: It works! It’s amazing TALIESIN: Aw man SAM: That’s ingenious MATT: At which point, the Enlarge spell fades (whoosh) TRAVIS: That was fucking terrible CHRIS: Want to see my skunk? I hold it up by the tail TRAVIS: Oh, no! LAURA: Is it alive? CHRIS: Oh, yeah TALIESIN: Hey, hi. How’s it going? MATT: As he holds up the skunk, the nervous energy around it, the skunk just instinctually– (snarl) LAURA: No! MATT: (spray) TRAVIS, MARISHA: (groans) MATT: Dexterity saving throw for Jester and Nott LAURA: Ugh! TALIESIN: Great! LIAM: Come on MARISHA: Dodge those juices LIAM: No SAM: 18 LAURA: 15 LIAM: Damn it! MATT: All right. You manage to just barely escape out of the way as it– CHRIS: No! Bad, Pepé! Bad! (laughter) MATT: (skunk noises) CHRIS: I beat it with my stick MATT: Okay LAURA: No, don’t beat it! Poor Pepé MATT: The other kobold has fled. It saw the running Fjord centipede nightmare and just left TRAVIS: As fun as that was, you know, instead of killing this adorable little guy, maybe we could enlist him as a scout or guide? SAM: Do you know these tunnels at all? Have you explored since the worm came through? CHRIS: Yeah! SAM: What was that? What did you just do? MATT: Still hitting the skunk TRAVIS: Stop! No, hey, hey! LAURA: Stop hitting it SAM: Don’t beat your skunk CHRIS: I put it back in its box LIAM: Yeah, I have a question for you, my little friend. Do you eat enough under your current leadership? CHRIS: No! LIAM: We will keep your belly full. If you travel with us, you will have never eaten so much
in your life. But we do need a guide down here, and you could be that guide CHRIS: (shouting) I’m very quiet! Tie off the cage, sling it over my hornets, tie them back to my staff TALIESIN: If it gets us to where we need to be, I’d be willing to drop another spell LAURA: Yeah TALIESIN: Another 45 pounds, whatever we don’t need of that 45 pounds, which is an awful lot of food TRAVIS: I think you’ll have no trouble finding your way back. How far down this tunnel have you ventured before, Spurt? CHRIS: I point back the way we came about 60 feet TRAVIS: Oh, shit. Brave new world LIAM: Oh. That is less appealing SAM: But you’re quiet and you can stealth, right? You snuck up on us very well TALIESIN: Is that a bag of bees you’ve got over there? LAURA: Oh hello, bees! CHRIS: I’ve got plus zero, is that high? SAM: Sure CHRIS: Here are my bees TALIESIN and LAURA: Hi, bees LIAM: Not the bees. Not the bees LAURA: Hey Spurt, how long have you lived down here? CHRIS: 11 days! LAURA: 11 days? SAM: How long do kobolds live? CHRIS: 11 days! (laughter) TRAVIS: Oh god, this is it! The swan song! LIAM: And in your 11 days, what is the worst thing you have ever seen down here? CHRIS: My brother got eaten by a green slime MARISHA: Wait, like the green slime you have right there in the– CHRIS: Yeah, that’s the one! MARISHA: Oh, okay (laughter) TRAVIS: Oh my god SAM: Do you like it down here? Do you want to come with us? CHRIS: Where else is there? SAM: There’s other places CHRIS: Really? SAM: Yes. There’s light and other terrain MARISHA: Would you like to follow us towards the light at the end of the tunnel? TALIESIN: Oh my god! CHRIS: Okay! LAURA: Except we’re leading him to a really scary place, y’all SAM: We don’t know that. We don’t know, Xhorhas might love kobolds LIAM: Plus he’s near the end of his life We might as well show him great things, going to eat better than he ever has We could let him look at the dodecahedron LAURA: We shouldn’t pull that shit out LIAM: Or leave it in the bag. I’m just kidding, forget it. That’s a bad idea LAURA: That could be a really bad idea, Caleb LIAM: It’s funny, but it’s not wise TRAVIS: We should keep going LAURA: Yeah. You want to come with us? CHRIS: Yeah! LAURA: Hey, this kid thinks you’re his mom SAM: That’s super duper sad right now TALIESIN: Way to bring the whole room down MARISHA: I’m dying. I am dying LIAM: D&D, happiness and sadness tied together MATT: (laughing) All right, so what’s the marching order? SAM: Spurt 30 feet ahead? MATT: All right CHRIS: I walk with my staff out so Stingy is actually in the lead MATT: Got you, so you’re leading with your scorpion, perfect. Spurt continues forward Do you guys follow? TRAVIS, MARISHA, and TALIESIN: Yeah! MATT: All right. Spurt, roll a perception check for me CHRIS: Something around here’s stinky! LIAM: This is the best. This is the best! TALIESIN: Wow! MATT: (laughing) Okay! CHRIS: Hey, it’s dark down here! TALIESIN: Yeah, this is going to be great TRAVIS: (laughing) “It’s dark down here.” Not good, not good MATT: Continuing on for the next few hours, getting slowly used to the smell of kobold– especially a moving-hoarder of a kobold– the tunnel continues to curve and it goes down a little further, then it evens out and goes down a little further, then evens out. You get pretty late into the day before you begin to notice the rock and stone having some slight changes The general bits of materials that you’ve been used to seeing down here– the heavy gray and brown rocks– occasionally, you see flecks and glimmers that your passing light puts
a shine across. You go over and inspect it and it is a black, glass-like substance MARISHA: Is it obsidian? MATT: It’s obsidian. You continue moving forward and there’s more sections of it, and you can see where bits of it are broken and flaked off where the worm was burrowing through and battered through a section of obsidian that then shattered TALIESIN: If there’s any way to scoop up a couple of pieces MATT: Yeah, definitely. You gather up a bunch of obsidian shards. A lot of it is broken and brittle, but there are some larger bits that you can find that are pretty jagged, really. You see them first, so you gather what you want CHRIS: Oh, I’m too busy eating the poop out of my skunk’s cage MATT: There you go MARISHA: Goodberries! MATT: Hey, guys, kobolds have ecology down CHRIS: Nothing goes to waste! LIAM: It’s like a Dune suit, man, you can’t let that shit go to waste MATT: Exactly! LIAM: Reduce, reuse, recycle! MARISHA: Stop, I just got better MATT: I’m just saying, none of you has a weapon that feeds you. The air gets steadily warmer and warmer as the hours pass, and the floor itself begins to give way from the softer dirt and dust with loose pebbles to become a harder, more porous rock, and the obsidian begins to become more apparent and more consistent. You, Spurt, begin to see a dull light ahead. A dull, low, red light CHRIS: Perception zero MATT and SAM: Yeah CHRIS: Light! I see the light! I run toward it LAURA: Can we see what it is? MATT: It looks to be the tunnel coming to an end for some sort of chamber. You’re too far away to make out any details, but it looks like there is a room beyond it that has a dull, red glow to it LAURA: Oh no, Spurt, don’t run! MATT: You just run out? CHRIS: Yes MATT: You guys see Spurt run out. The temperature here is getting warmer and warmer as you progress You’re starting to find yourselves sweat uncomfortably. You rush out into an open field of rock, like hewn, carved rock floor– like a courtyard, if you will. It’s about a hundred feet or so across at first glance. Across the way, there is a wall, or portions of a stone wall built into parts of an obsidian and stone cliff face or the interior of a cavern. You look on the inside, and in this brief instant, you take in the vicinity, through your kobold eyes, this large chamber that continues on far to your left. To the right is, at a very steep incline, an obsidian wall, where a pouring river of molten magma is coming down into a trough that goes across this open chamber– this river of lava with a bridge that goes across it to the opposite side. To the left, there is a very interesting, massive black iron citadel that sits maybe a quarter mile to the left of you. At the peak of it– and this is a very large chamber– dozens of thick, heavy black chains affixed to its peak drape off and connect to the odd corners of this large cavern. This is far to your left; you’re in a small side courtyard on this side. As you stop and look around– (laughs) hilariously unnoticed by the two massive fire giants that are currently playing sentinel There’s one across the way, leaning against the wall, standing at roughly 18 to 20 feet tall, dark gray skin. What little bit of red hair you see peeking from underneath its armored helmet as it’s wearing heavy, dark armor covered in spikes, metallic thorns. One hand is holding a tower shield, roughly its full height, also covered in spikes in the front, with another shield just like that that’s leaning on the wall. It looks like it’s currently spacing out for a moment, looking back towards the citadel. To the immediate left of you, on this side of that molten river, you see a female fire giant, wielding a giant maul, who is in the process of picking her teeth with some sort of pointed bone, and neither have noticed you, strangely. They rolled really shitty LIAM: You said citadel. We are seeing a fortress down here? MATT: You guys aren’t seeing this You just see the kobold rush out LIAM: Okay MATT: So what do you do, Spurt?
CHRIS: How far away is the closest one to me? MATT: The closest one to you is about 20 feet to your left CHRIS: I throw my wasp nest in a bag at it MATT: Okay! TRAVIS: Yes! MATT: Roll for attack on it– or is it a saving throw on their part? CHRIS: I throw the bag into a five-foot square within 20 feet of me and it bursts open into a swarm of wasps with 11 hit points MATT: Spurt runs out, turns, and, “Ah!” (impact, buzzing). The giant goes (grunts) and slaps– CHRIS: You dead! You dead! LAURA: I love him! TALIESIN: Oh no TRAVIS: Please have some real armor! MATT: 22 to hit against you CHRIS: (laughs) Okay MATT: You take TRAVIS: Remember that number, kids 28 points of bludgeoning damage CHRIS: I win! (splats) MATT: You watch as Spurt turns after throwing this, and then a giant hammer (slamming, squishing) Gallaghers Spurt across the stone floor of this open way LAURA and SAM: No! TRAVIS: I run to the side of the cavern wall and lean up against it and shrink down CHRIS: A little green slime seeps out underneath the hammer MATT: The hammer lifts up and you see the stringy mess that was once Spurt detaching from the hammer SAM: My boy! He was my boy! TRAVIS: Shh! Shh! MATT: Everyone make a stealth check here LIAM: Caleb starts walking slowly back through the entire walking formation MATT: Your work is done here (cheering, laughter) TRAVIS: Holy fuck! SAM: He died as he lived, as a spurt MATT: Thank you, Chris LAURA: What are we rolling, stealth? MATT: Stealth check MARISHA: We fulfilled our end of the bargain I feel okay TALIESIN: That happened LIAM: That spurt was quick, but potent MATT: No, Pass Without a Trace was not cast MARISHA: We’re stealthing? Natural 20! TALIESIN: (singing) Natural 20! LIAM: Well, fuck y’all, because I rolled a two SAM: 23 LIAM: That’s a four for me TRAVIS: 23, natural 20, 19, and Yasha rolled an 11 LAURA: I rolled an 11 TALIESIN: Natural 20 MATT: Oh, wow. Okay LAURA: Should I be rolling stealth checks for Nugget? SAM: Is that Dani? TALIESIN: I just heard Dani break in the other room LIAM: There’s a delayed reaction out in the lobby! TALIESIN: The delay is the best TRAVIS: Is that the quickest we’ve ever had a player character come in and die? TALIESIN: Oh yeah MATT: As you guys all pull to the sides, you hear (heavy stomping). A hand reaches down and rubs it through the smear that was once the kobold and rises up. A couple of pieces (plopping) into the stonework, then the light goes dark as the giant’s head bends down and one giant eye peeks through the tunnel in your direction TALIESIN: Is it on its way down into the tunnel? How big is this tunnel, again? MATT: The tunnel is ten feet wide. The giant is going to have a hard time. It could probably get in there if it crawled. Right now, it’s leaning down and looking inside TALIESIN: Lights are dimmed TRAVIS: Yeah, we’re pressed flush MATT: It glances around inside, bends its head inside– and it’s completely engulfing the entire exit (grunts) Backs out of the tunnel and then steps to the side You guys just barely fucking made that TRAVIS: Thank you, two natural 20s MATT: You hear it shout something in Giant Any of you guys speak Giant? TALIESIN: Yeah MATT: You do, that’s right! SAM: Because he’s a what?! MATT: Because of his background, his race LIAM: Because he’s so awesome! MATT: It’s not a secret! It’s actually one of the languages that you get as a– SAM: It’s secrets MATT: Sure enough TALIESIN: I was once a giant, there we go Carry on MATT: There you go. What you hear is: (speaking Giant). You recognize it as, “Be careful. Looks like we got rodents.” You guys hear, on the opposite side, the one that was laying with the shield sits up for a second and takes the shield, walks over to the river of lava, scoops up some of it and pours it across the top of the shield. It’s like a pachinko machine; the lava fills the front of it, on the inside there’s a pocket, and where once there was just dark iron shield, now is
heating up and the shields have a fiery exterior to them. After it fills both the shields, it holds both of them, gets back to its position, and they’re both looking around LIAM: Does Caduceus see that, or everybody? MATT: You guys, who are off to the side, can glance over and watch this happen It’s across the way. You have no idea what the other giant’s doing, but this one is across the way and is visible from your position TALIESIN: They think there are more kobolds coming LAURA: How are we going to get out of here? MARISHA: And where are we? SAM: Do we see into the chamber, across on the other side? It’s not a chamber; it’s huge, right? MATT: It looks, you would guess, probably a hundred or more feet across to the other side, but there is a wall there Make a perception check SAM: I’m terrible at this. Five MATT: It’s hard to see from this distance TRAVIS: Caleb, you ever read about anything like this? LIAM: Have I ever read– I’ve read a lot– about fire giants under the earth? Yes TRAVIS: Yeah, crazy, dark– oh, you have? LIAM: Ja, my grandmother used to keep me up late at night, reading me stories about things like this. No, I don’t know anything! I don’t know! TRAVIS: No dark citadels? I mean, this is an accident, right? This isn’t where we’re trying to go LIAM: I know about the history of the country I grew up in, not about underground fortresses LAURA: Ooh, you know what we should do? We should mark this on the map LIAM: Let’s put a pin in that and get back to it TRAVIS: Yeah, we’ll get back to that TALIESIN: In a map? Should we mark this on the map then, with a pin? LIAM: I was speaking in metaphor TALIESIN: Oh yeah, I like those SAM: What do we do? We can sneak in We can create a diversion LAURA: We could create a diversion. Hold on, let me see what kind of spells I have taken SAM: But then to what end? We’re going to run in there and do what? TRAVIS: How far from the opening of the tunnel that we’re at, off to the left, are both of the fire giants? MATT: Make a perception check for me to take in the details of the scenery TRAVIS: Natural 20 MATT: No shit. Okay, not only, as you lean forward and poke through, really assess the scene– I’ll just pull out the map and show you, because you rolled a natural 20. I’ll be right back TRAVIS: Got to love those Critical Role dice MARISHA: So attractive, so sexy LIAM: Perkins! You are such a fun player! Jeez! TRAVIS: You chaotic motherfucker. How much shit can I throw on one person? LIAM: Such a 180 from Shale, when you were here the last time MATT: Here’s where you guys are. This is the tunnel. Because you rolled a natural 20, you can see on the other side a continuation. You gather that when the Kryn traveled through, they probably had to make their way through this chamber, and you gather from the surrounding and the vicinity, the obsidian was probably a difficult thing to pass through for this worm, and probably why it was forced to briefly make its way through this courtyard TRAVIS: What is this? Where the fuck are we? SAM: Do we think that the Kryn went through and were allowed to pass? LAURA: I bet that these people are posted here because the Kryn came through MATT: That’s an interesting observation TRAVIS: I think diplomacy will be our best tactic. Let’s use words SAM: Let’s offer them some food TRAVIS: Yeah, it worked well before And the other fire giant– SAM: Is that the splatter of dead Spurt? MATT: Yeah, that’s where Spurt met his end SAM: Here lies Spurt TRAVIS: The second fire giant is on this side of the molten river of death? MATT: Right there TRAVIS: Uh-huh, one MATT: Then that’s the other one on the opposite side TRAVIS: That’s a fire giant? I thought that was the citadel MATT: No, the citadel’s way that way TRAVIS: Those are shields?! MATT: Yeah LAURA: Oh yeah, you can’t see the actual figure LIAM: Yeah. That’s a dude, double fisting, full on– TRAVIS: This the worst American Gladiators course ever (laughter) TRAVIS: He’s right next to where we need to go It’s a big problem SAM: Pugil sticks MATT: There’s Laser and Target! And you’re going to fight: fucked! TRAVIS: Fire shield! Magma shield! LAURA: So potentially– Okay, I have an idea. What if, Caleb, you make your bubble then one of us just yells out to the fire giants, “Hey. We just want to pass through; we don’t want to have “anything to do with you. We’re just chasing down these dicks that passed through your land, “that’s it.” Then we hide in your bubble so that they can’t attack us
SAM: Then they know we are here LAURA: Well, yeah, but what are we going to do? We can’t all be invisible and they’re right here TRAVIS: What happens after they attack us in the bubble? TALIESIN: How much can the bubble take? LAURA: They can’t get us through the bubble LIAM: Maybe they will go to sleep eventually Maybe we can come back a little later LAURA: You don’t think they’re going to have other sentries posted when they leave their post? TRAVIS: Yeah, I don’t know about the bubble thing TALIESIN: I can throw my voice if we have to TRAVIS: What if it breaks, what about when it expires? LAURA: I’m just saying in the tunnel It’s just an extra bonus of being in the tunnel and extra protection or something SAM: We could have it there in case we need to retreat LIAM: Yeah, if we are crazy enough to start a fight with these two– LAURA: Which I don’t want to do. I just want to talk to them LIAM: But if we do, the bubble is a good idea, although I have to stay in the bubble for the bubble to be in effect TRAVIS: Non-fighting options: I can take one person with me, 90 feet, in a single direction TALIESIN: I can also make my voice, I believe, come from wherever I like within 30 feet MARISHA: I mean, use a distraction, get them looking at something else TALIESIN: Just to have a conversation with these guys, see if they’re willing to make a deal SAM: Jester can get across the entire span LAURA: Yes, I could do it SAM: I could turn invisible I could create a diversion MARISHA: I am a great sprinter, like, real good, 100 meter dash SAM: Sure MARISHA: Right, just saying TALIESIN: I can get across TRAVIS: I could create a false diversion that’s a massive beast in the opposite direction of us or I could make a real beast LAURA: Yeah, can you make it look like it comes from the cave and then runs off so that it doesn’t appear out of nowhere? MARISHA: Which cave? Our cave? LAURA: Or the other cave maybe, no I don’t know SAM: Or just emerge from the lava LAURA: Or just come out of the lava MARISHA: Ooh. Lava monster LIAM: What about this? What if Fjord does that distraction we talked about across the fire You Banished that stone creature? I know how to do that as well. If you and I both take a shot at the one on our side, one of us maybe will succeed TALIESIN: If I hit it with Bane beforehand it would also have a slightly harder time doing that LAURA: Oof. But it could also succeed against us and then we’ll have to fight a giant. I think it would be better if, you know, I could Dimension Door with you, Caleb, over to the other side LIAM: And? LAURA: And then we just keep going We never engage with these fucks SAM: Wait, what about us? What about the rest of us? You’re just going to leave us? LAURA: Well, he’s going to make a big distraction and then we all run TALIESIN: I have a sneaking suspicion that there’s probably– These giants are fast, faster than we are. Probably with some range MARISHA: Would I know anything about giants, reading up on them or anything? MATT: Go ahead and roll a history check for me MARISHA: Cobalt. 19 MATT: They generally live beneath mountain ranges and areas of heavy volcanic activity. They are considered the artisan crafters and forgers of giant kin and the Ordning. They have– They’re evil TRAVIS: Oh, they both are? MATT: No, that’s just giants MARISHA: So probably not amicable or prone to negotiation? MATT: They can be. If it suits them well They enjoy free labor, so they like to take slaves to force to do the menial tasks MARISHA: And they craft things so they’re not stupid? MATT: No. They’re intelligent like an average being would be MARISHA: Averagely smart MATT: From what you’ve heard. You don’t have a whole lot of knowledge necessarily You haven’t heard of tales of the great crafty intelligence, but nevertheless, they still built this entire underground city MARISHA: Yeah, I read this tome once in the library, but I was a little distracted when reading it because the monks had also drawn a bunch of dick and dudes putting horns up their butts in the margins It just happens, yeah LAURA: Shut up. Wait, which library was this? MARISHA: In the Cobalt Soul SAM: Focus TRAVIS: I have a suggestion. I can make a manticore appear, run from the cave and leap/fly
over the river and carry off in the direction that is opposite of where we need to go LAURA: Yeah. Then we all run SAM: Is this a real manticore or is it an image of one? TRAVIS: It sounds and looks like a real manticore, but if you make contact with it, it’s just an illusion LIAM: While they are all debating this, I channel a little bit of transmutive energy into my stone and change its focus from constitution to fire resistance for myself TRAVIS: So you can go invisible, you can go the entire distance, you’re fast as balls LAURA: Go the distance! TRAVIS: Caleb’s fast as balls TALIESIN: I can briefly go invisible, but not for this whole run LIAM: Not today, I didn’t study that last night TRAVIS: I can take one person with me LAURA: Can you get that far, too? TRAVIS: With one person TALIESIN: Mister Caleb is the one to go SAM: What about Yasha? LAURA: Somebody take Caleb. I’ll take Yasha SAM: You can’t take Yasha LAURA: Why? SAM: She’s bigger than you MATT: They’re both medium sized LAURA: Yeah. She’s not large TRAVIS: Who’s the odd man out? Who doesn’t have a way to get over there real quick? SAM: I can run and I’m invisible MARISHA: How fast can you run? You’re pretty fast LIAM: Yeah, it’s you two You are the quickest TALIESIN: I can be invisible for one run– for one action TRAVIS: How long is your speed? TALIESIN: I can get 60 feet LAURA: I could Blessing Of The Trickster you here and that way you’re a little more stealthy as you’re going TALIESIN: Oh, I mean, I’ll be invisible until I’m visible TRAVIS: Nott, how do you feel about— LAURA: I could Polymorph someone! SAM: Into what? LAURA: Into something that, you know— SAM: Dragonfly LAURA: Yeah! That can get across! I could Polymorph. I could Polymorph you and I could Dimension Door me and Yasha TRAVIS: Sure, okay MATT: You hear this heavy smacking sound as the fire giant on your side of this courtyard is putting to bed the rest of the bees that have been harrying its kneecap TRAVIS: Caleb, do you have a plan? LIAM: A plan? TRAVIS: To get across? LIAM: I’m the odd man out TRAVIS: I’m asking LIAM: No, there are many things I could do, but I did not do my homework last night that would facilitate those things SAM: Are you going to bamf with him? Weren’t you going to Dimension Door? LAURA: One of us needs to take Yasha, one of us needs to take Caleb TRAVIS: I’m taking Caleb LAURA: I’ll take Yasha TRAVIS: You’re running balls, you’re invisible SAM: How far can you go? TRAVIS: 90 feet SAM: That is not across the way. That is just to the other side of the bridge, maybe LAURA: I thought you could go farther than that, Fjord, that’s not as far TRAVIS: It would be pretty close. We’re going to send both of them in the opposite direction MARISHA: Are we dashing partners, me and you? SAM: Yeah MARISHA: All right TRAVIS: Yeah. We don’t do any of this until they fucking move away from where we need to go Ready? MARISHA: I like it LAURA: Wait. How about I take Caleb the entire distance, you and Yasha bamf 90 feet and run because Caleb is squishy TRAVIS: Sure, sounds good, I like it TALIESIN: Should I be invisible at the beginning or at the end? LAURA: Do you want to be Polymorphed? TALIESIN: I can be invisible for 60 feet LAURA: Okay, well I won’t be able to Polymorph you once you’re out TALIESIN: I’ll Polymorph, then, I guess LAURA: Do you keep your intelligence when you’re polymorphed? TRAVIS: Here’s the order. You’re going to Polymorph Caduceus. You’re going to go invisible and get started. I’m going to set the diversion and then we start going MARISHA: And then we’re going to go. Okay SAM: Do you need me to do anything to make the diversion look even more realistic? TRAVIS: I don’t think so SAM: Because I could– LIAM: Jester, bring the haversack over, open it up so that Beauregard can focus on the mote of possibility LAURA: Here, Beau MARISHA: Is that bad? Is that going to send stuff to– okay LAURA: Don’t take it out just let it in LIAM: Just look into the bag Just like huffing gasoline MARISHA: (deep inhale) SAM: Oh, you’re huffing literally right now? MATT: Okay, you take a moment and focus on the dodecahedron TRAVIS: You are doing that? LAURA and LIAM: It’s in the bag MATT: You take your fragment of possibility LIAM: Beauregard’s face goes into another dimension for a moment SAM: You got silver paint all over (laughter) MARISHA: Okay LAURA: Okay. I’m going to Blessing Of The Trickster you. You’re still super stealthy, I don’t know if it matters SAM: Jester LAURA: What? SAM: It was so wonderful having Nugget around LAURA: Nugget’s just going to run out and he’s going to blink and blink and blink as far as he can SAM: He’s going to be fine LAURA: Yeah. He’s going to be fine TALIESIN: I’m also going to add resistance to you so you can add a d4 to any saving throw for the next 60 seconds LAURA: It gives you advantage on stealth checks TALIESIN: You can add a d4 to any saving throw MATT: All right TRAVIS: I turn to Yasha and say: When I give you the signal, you and I are going to run towards the river of magma and hold on tight
TALIESIN: Oh boy MATT: You guys are over on this side here SAM: This is going to go so good TALIESIN: This is going to go great It’s a great plan SAM: Mighty Nein, we have to do this for the memory of Spurt TALIESIN: Who? SAM: For Spurt! LAURA: He was so cute SAM: The kobold who was just introduced to us and killed LAURA: Okay, what should I make you? What do you want to be? TALIESIN: I don’t know. Man, there are so many options. What would be fun? I don’t know LAURA: Maybe a dragonfly could be really cool TALIESIN: I mean, dragonflies are pretty cool LAURA and TALIESIN: Yeah LAURA: Okay. Well, if you’re a dragonfly, will you remember what you’re supposed to do? TALIESIN: Well, I don’t know, but to be fair, I’m not sure if I remember what I’m supposed to do anyway MATT: While you guys are working out the specifics, I’m going to grab something real fast Keep talking amongst yourselves LAURA: If you cast Polymorph– If I were to cast it on myself, I would remember what I was doing LIAM: Yes, you keep all your thoughts Look, there’s the creative lead of Dungeons & Dragons over there TALIESIN: Who would be like: “Um, actually–” LIAM: You take all the stat adjustments except for your brains in there, so all your decision making is the same. But dexterity saves and stuff, that’s the creature’s stats, right? TRAVIS: But Nugget’s like, in your pocket, right? LAURA: No, Sprinkle’s in my pocket SAM: Doesn’t everyone have the creative lead of D&D next to them when they play a game? TALIESIN: You get the limited edition from the local store, you know LAURA: I actually have a question, Matt MATT: Yes? LAURA: When I Dimension Door, I can take another creature MATT: Yes LAURA: Does that mean I can’t have Sprinkle on me or else I won’t be able to take Caleb MATT: Correct LAURA: Okay, I’m going to take Sprinkle off, out of my hood. Okay, Beau? Take care of Sprinkle TALIESIN: It’s on you LAURA: No, it’s okay, Sprinkle. Just hold onto him when you run, okay? Don’t let him get left behind MARISHA: Can’t he do– He’s more magical than I am LAURA: It’s Sprinkle, he’s my weasel MARISHA: Oh LIAM: Just imagine if Jester had teleported away and went with Sprinkle and Caleb is just going: Uh? MATT: I love it LAURA: Nugget’s going to blink, blink, blink TALIESIN: I’m going to hide, probably in your pocket. I’m going to hide on you as the dragonfly MARISHA: Okay. I’m a one-woman petting zoo Let’s go TRAVIS: Three, two, one LAURA: Polymorph SAM: Invisible! MATT: So what order are we doing this, guys? LAURA: Polymorph SAM: Invisible! MATT: So you’re Polymorphing Caduceus into what? LAURA and TALIESIN: A dragonfly TRAVIS: Get your head start, both of you MATT: I’ll say for the purposes of that, we’ll say this is you MARISHA: You’re hitching a ride on me TALIESIN: I’m going to hitch a ride on you MATT: All right. The dragonfly jumps onto Beau Beau is now in the position to hold— TRAVIS: You’re not just going to fly across the room by yourself? TALIESIN: She’s faster LIAM: Beauregard is now Noah’s ark TALIESIN: You are the Mighty Menagerie TRAVIS: Beau and Nott, I’m going to give you 15 seconds before we start SAM: I think we should start with the monster TRAVIS: It’s your call SAM: Because if I go out there and trip, the jig is up TRAVIS: Are you going to trip? LAURA: Plus, it’s expecting something to come out the door TRAVIS: All right, fine. I will use Major Image and I will cast the image of a manticore climbing out of the magma river on this side of the bank, roaring at the fire giant and then leap, flying over to the other side MATT: Okay TALIESIN: That’s epic SAM: Jar of peanut butter? Get ready for a dick (laughter) MATT: Out of the molten rock. Wings. (growling) The manticore begins to rise. Both of the giants look confused towards it and then each other. The one with the shields braces the shields in front The other one, looking off to the side, goes and reaches off to one of the boulders off to the side and grabs it. As it picks it up, those at the front can see, the rock seems to heat up. There are veins of heat on the inside as it grips it. So you create the effect. This is Major Image, right? SAM: Major Image. Visuals and sounds TRAVIS: Visuals and sounds MATT: Yes. All right. They’re both going to look forward towards it to see what the hell it is Watching a manticore rise out of magma is insane LIAM: Very heavy metal MATT: Correct TRAVIS: Yeah, he comes out here, roars, and then jumps over MATT: Correct. The guy with the shields, he’s attempting to ascertain, with his investigation,
as to what the fuck is going on. He rolled a natural 19 minus one. That’s an 18 What’s your spell DC? TRAVIS: I think it’s a 16. Shit. Where the hell is that on this thing? SAM: Perfect plan. Foiled on the first step TRAVIS: Anyone know where that is? MARISHA: Your spell save DC? LAURA: It’s right at the top of your– If you hit Spells, it’ll say at the top TRAVIS: Oh. 16 MATT: Yeah. The one with the shields goes like– just looks confused as it takes off The other one LIAM: One? 20? LAURA: What is it? Is it a natural 20? MATT: No, I literally rolled two 19s in a row LAURA and LIAM: Aw MATT: I’m sorry! TRAVIS: I’m not MATT: As the manticore takes off, the one holding the rock is like– It twists the rock in the other hand and reaches over to the side and grabs a chain and starts ringing this loud bell. It’s echoing through the chamber. They’re both confused as this thing flies off and they look at each other like– LAURA: Are they looking at each other? MATT: Yeah, they’re looking at each other What’s up next? LAURA: Should we– MARISHA: Run? Plan still goes? MATT: I can’t believe I rolled– It was such a great idea, I just rolled really high! LAURA: Do we have any other thingies? SAM: Is Invisibility? It’s concentration I can’t do anything else MARISHA: I still have bottle rockets That’s all I got MATT: Who’s doing what? LAURA: Hold on! LIAM: They’re clanging? TRAVIS: If we run out of here are we– How far is his melee, ten feet? MATT: You don’t know SAM: I would say 20 TRAVIS: Massive LIAM: It’s probably ten or 15 MATT: You would imagine it has larger reach than an average creature, being a giant LAURA: Well, should we just wait until it dies down then go? LIAM: Hey, I’ll do it. Caleb leans out the passageway and casts Polymorph on the giant MATT: On the giant? Okay What’s the save on that? LIAM: It is 16, I believe MATT: 16 wisdom? LIAM: 16 wisdom MATT: You got it. For that one, five LIAM: It’s a cow MATT: (laughs) All right. I don’t have a cow mini on me at the moment TALIESIN: My god, man MARISHA: How dare you MATT: I know. How fucking dare I? I’ll use this horse LIAM: You call yourself a dungeon master? Jesus MATT: So the fire giant suddenly (swoosh) (moo) ALL: (yelling) Go! Run! TRAVIS: We break out. Yasha and I run MATT: The one over here goes and looks confused at that Everyone needs to roll initiative on this because you’re entered official combat MARISHA: (singing) Don’t fuck me, Gil LIAM: Oh my god. One. Well, wait, no. There’s no natural ones in initiative. That’s a three LAURA: Natural 20! ALL: Eyy! MATT: All righty. 25 to 20 LAURA: 20 plus four. 24 MARISHA: 26 MATT: Damn, Beau MARISHA: I’m going to burn my boots MATT: All right. 20 to 15 TALIESIN: 18 TRAVIS: 19 LIAM: If anyone attacks the cow, I’m going to beat you up in the lobby tonight. Don’t do it LAURA: Who would attack the cow? MATT: 15 to ten? TRAVIS: Yasha hates cows MATT: No one 15 to ten? LIAM: (like Yasha) A cow killed my wife LAURA: What did Yasha roll? TRAVIS: Nine MATT: All right. So Yasha’s at nine? TRAVIS: Uh-huh SAM: Seven LAURA: Hey, Caleb. Polymorph happens immediately so you can do it again MATT: Caleb at three LAURA: Oh, you’re at the bottom LIAM: Yeah. It’s concentration MATT: All right. Beau, you’re up first MARISHA: I am hauling ass across the bridge MATT: All right. (counting) SAM: Oh no, the giant totally sees you MARISHA: Step of the wind, step of the wind, step of the wind! MATT: As a bonus action. (counting) MARISHA: I get to move 45 feet– is my movement, so add ten more to both of those MATT: Oh, right. It’s actually ten more, and you still have your action MARISHA: I don’t want to get close to that guy I’m going to parkour, and then action to run again, but I’m going to swing a little wide I don’t want to fuck with this guy MATT and MARISHA: (counting) MATT: Beau goes (swoosh) and is already on the opposite side. The giant with the shields goes,
(exasperated grunt) and goes to go for a shove and watches her vanish and goes, (confused grunt) and looks back at the tunnel on the other side She completely just skids off, no effect LIAM: Usain Bolt just comes (swoosh) TALIESIN: I’m also un-Polymorphed over there, as well MARISHA: When we get to the other side, I smack Caduceus TALIESIN: Just squeeze. That’s all you’ve got to– MATT: Okay, so you go, (smacking and falling) and Caduceus suddenly apparates next to you, almost collapsing you from the weight of his much larger body TALIESIN: Hi MARISHA: All right, get off MATT: You got it, all right. That finishes your go. Jester, you’re up LAURA: I’m going to run up, grab Caleb and Dimension Door to the other side MATT: All right. (swoosh) On the other side of the tunnel SAM: Oh no, it’s just us MATT: All right, that finishes Jester’s go Fjord, you’re up TRAVIS: I need Yasha LAURA: Nugget’s going to run and starts running out and fucking blinking as well, oh my god! TRAVIS: (poofing) MATT: There we go. Got me a horse MARISHA: What is happening? LIAM: (barking, poofing) MATT: Nugget comes out. Blink dogs have a movement of 40, so that’s (counting) LAURA: Oh no, he’s so cute SAM: Oh, that’s pretty fast MATT: He’s going to do action to run as well, (counting) and then is going to use his teleport ability, which he gets to teleport 40 feet. Gets right there. (panting, teleporting) That finishes your go. Fjord, what are you doing? TRAVIS: Fjord’s going to run out and hug to the right, and he’s going to head in this direction towards the magma river and go: Yasha, come on! MATT: All right TRAVIS: 30 feet, okay. That’s it. Awesome Yeah, and I will hold Thunder Step until Yasha is next to me MATT: You got it. All righty That ends your turn? TRAVIS: It does MARISHA: She’s next, right? No? MATT: Caduceus, you’re up TALIESIN: I’m going to poke my head out and cast Blindness on the giant MATT: (counting) You get there to cast it? TALIESIN: Yeah MATT: All right. What’s the DC on that? TALIESIN: 16 constitution MATT: Constitution. 26. They got a lot of constitution, these fire giants TALIESIN: Oh, yeah. It was a good thought MATT: Sorry TALIESIN: That’s all right. No, it was worth the thought. I’ve got a bonus action, I suppose, still MATT: You do TALIESIN: Where have I got my bonus actions? Just for fun, let’s give him some more bees (knocking) Wake up again, guys. I’m going to cast the swarm right in his face MATT: Isn’t that once per long rest, though? TALIESIN: We took a long rest since the last time I used that LAURA: With the– oh, we did! MATT: You did, I believe. That’s right All righty TALIESIN: It’s been a while MATT: The beetles scatter and go– TALIESIN: I think it’s been a long rest MATT: It has been, yeah. I was thinking of the kobolds, but no. It was earlier, before that SAM: Your movement’s 45? TALIESIN: So yeah. That’s a swarm of insects and I think they’re going to attack MATT: Go for it SAM: I’ll be short 30 feet LAURA: You can go 30 feet? SAM: No. I’ll be short 30 feet TALIESIN: That’s– oh god, that is terrible It’s eight, nine, ten, 11. That’s 11 to hit? MATT: They’re attacking the shield, and it’s burning up the beetles because it’s a flaming shield TALIESIN: I was going to try to get them on the face, but– MATT: Right. They couldn’t quite get there There’s so much shield for it to get to (sizzling) TRAVIS: Yeah, just popping TALIESIN: Yeah, and I’m going to pop back in all the way as far as I can, against the wall MATT: You popped out and– this is the wall here. This is a tunnel TALIESIN: Oh, okay. Yeah MATT: For better appearance here There, that’s the tunnel. All righty That finishes Caduceus’ turn It is now the fire giants’ turn TRAVIS: Yeah MATT: Seeing Fjord there. (counting) SAM: Oh, that’s lava. He can’t walk in there LAURA: He is going straight through the lava? But there’s a bridge! MARISHA: Fuck bridges MATT: He’s going to go ahead– he doesn’t know if he’s going to have enough range for it He’s going to attempt his shield charge SAM: Shield charge MATT: No, actually. It’s going to instead cruise up 30 up to that point and it’s going to grab a rock off the ground and chuck it straight at you, Fjord TRAVIS: Like a rock, or like a rock? MATT: Like a rock. It’s about the size of your torso TRAVIS: Just wanted to check MATT: It reaches off the side, and it’s been sitting next to the lava and it’s actually orange on one side from the nearby heat Picks it up– drops the shield for a second, picks it up and (swoosh) lobs it right towards you LIAM: Princess Bride moment MATT: Oh, that’s going to be 32 to hit
SAM: To hit? MATT: Yeah LIAM: Holy shit TRAVIS: Oh no SAM: Miss TRAVIS: (explosion) Fjord just explodes LIAM: Just powder TRAVIS: The second splat on the fucking ground MATT: You can’t tell where Fjord ends and Spurt begins TRAVIS: Oh, fuck. That definitely hits MATT: Oh, fuck. All right, that is 34 points of bludgeoning damage TRAVIS: Okay MATT: I need you to make a concentration check MARISHA and LAURA: What? MATT: Because you are currently holding your spell SAM: Polymorph MATT: No, not Polymorph. He’s holding– like, when you begin casting your Thunder Step TRAVIS: Constitution check or saving throw? MATT: It’s a constitution saving throw, and you have to have half of 34, that puts it at 17 The DC of 17 you have to beat to maintain concentration TRAVIS: 20. That was going to be a plan ruiner for the second time MATT: The boulder slams into you and for a minute your lights just go white Your eyes go to complete and utter absence of image; just the color white. The pain streaks through you. You can feel the burning scrape of when it impacted your forehead, and as soon as you right yourself, you look down and the spell begins to fade from your fingertips, and you just barely hold on to it It’s like rocketing in your hands You can see the energy and the thunderous power beginning to build in your palm That finishes that giant’s turn The cow’s going to move SAM and LIAM: It’s going to moo-ve? MATT: Oh god. All right, I don’t have movement for a cow here SAM: Probably 15 feet? TRAVIS: Bison, Buffalo? LIAM: “Speed 40 feet” is what the internet is telling me MARISHA: No way SAM: Cows can–? I mean, they’re fast They have four legs MATT: Yeah, dude, they can move TRAVIS: (mooing) MATT: Hold on. Cow. There it is: “Large beast, 30 feet” SAM: (singing) What does the cow say? MATT and TRAVIS: (counting) TRAVIS: Jesus MATT: The cow’s going to go ahead and attempt to attack you LIAM: Just let it happen. Just let it happen TRAVIS: (ramming) Bitch slap a cow MATT: 21 to hit. What’s your armor class? TRAVIS: That hits LAURA: The cow gets you? SAM: With what? TRAVIS: They got big-ass teeth MATT: You take eight points of piercing damage as the cow gores you with its horn I need you to make another constitution saving throw TRAVIS: Another constitution saving throw? MATT: Correct. It’s DC ten TRAVIS: Okay, all right. Come on, come on Natural 20 MATT: Oh my god! Damn it LIAM: Take 30 points of cow damage TRAVIS: Next time, you specify dairy cow MARISHA: This has been too much MATT: Yasha’s turn TRAVIS: Yasha will use 40 feet of movement to run past the cow to come into contact with Fjord SAM: Does the cow get an attack of cow-portunity? TALIESIN: The cow is going to probably turn back into a giant when they move MATT: She just barely makes it around with her 40 feet of movement to get to you, the cow now blocking that space that she was going to run through TRAVIS: Does the cow get an attack of opportunity? MATT: No, she hasn’t left the cow’s melee range TRAVIS: I understand MATT: Yasha runs up to you and– TRAVIS: Fjord summons the falchion and stabs it into the ground casting Thunder Step and will go 90 feet in the direction of the tunnel MARISHA: How many times have we said cow in the past 30 seconds? MATT: Yeah, you guys appear already in the tunnel across the way SAM: That didn’t damage the cow at all, did it? MATT: It does TRAVIS: It does. It does 3d10 thunder damage LAURA: Low damage to the cow TRAVIS: I forgot about that LAURA: Roll three ones, three ones TRAVIS: (counting) 20 points of thunder damage MATT: Is there a save? MARISHA: Is the cow super dexy? TRAVIS: Constitution 16 SAM and MARISHA: Cow-stitution MATT: 13, fail. Takes 20 damage TRAVIS: Actually, it takes 22 damage MATT: (poof) LAURA and TALIESIN: No! MATT: The cow form is sundered as the thunder blast destroys its Polymorph form and then, (grunt) emerging from it: the second fire giant, pissed off, real angry But that does carry over seven points of thunder damage to the fire giant TRAVIS: Hey! All right MARISHA: What did we do? MATT: All right, that finishes Yasha’s turn Nott, you’re up SAM: What the fuck? MARISHA: Nott’s the only one! TRAVIS: Super invisible, right? LAURA: You’re invisible SAM: Yeah LAURA: And I blessed you SAM: Sure, what does that do again? LAURA: It gives you advantage on stealth LIAM: That just means you’re going to Bilbo Baggins your way across this bridge, motherfucker! LAURA and TRAVIS: Take your time SAM: Okay, I will stealthily– LAURA: How long can you stay invisible? SAM: One minute. I will stealthily emerge– MATT: So you’ve already cast Invisibility on yourself? SAM: Yes. It’s probably been one round now MATT: There you go MARISHA: You have to get across that bridge, right? There is no other way? MATT: Your speed is now 35, because you took the halfling feat
SAM: Correct. I will stealthily make my way to the bridge, around the– MATT: So if you’re moving at full speed– the stealth rules, looking this up right here As you’re invisible, “Impossible to see– The creature’s location can be detected by “any noise it makes, tracks it leaves–” So still means stealth check, but you have advantage on the stealth check. I believe if you’re moving your full speed it’s disadvantage on stealth? I’m trying to remember LAURA: But with Blessing of the Trickster it might be balanced out, because you get advantage on– MATT: If you have disadvantage and advantage it just cancels out, no matter how much you have of each. So it would be just a straight roll. I’ll put it there. That’s fine So go ahead and make a stealth check SAM: 15. Not great. Oh wait, I also get– I have the hood, the cloak, but it’s all canceled out MATT: It all cancels out. So (counting) that’s your movement. As you come through quietly, the giant who just appeared goes– and looks over Passive perceptions are 15 and 16. Both giants look, and they see footsteps and they’re both like, (grunts). They still don’t know– they know the general vicinity where you are. Anything against you still has disadvantage, but it’s still your turn. You still have your bonus action and your attack SAM: Sure. Yeah, I’ll just kill them both TRAVIS: Yeah, do it SAM: I can use an action to dash? MATT: Yeah SAM: Okay. I’ll action dash, but not up the bridge. Around the side closest to me MATT: This way? SAM: Uh-huh MATT: All right. So five, ten. As soon as the footsteps are happening, it makes an attack of opportunity in your general direction It has disadvantage on the attack SAM: Sure. Yeah MATT: So for this here– this is with its giant maul. That is a 20 to hit SAM: Sure, that hits MATT: Okay. So it’s a giant hammer that’s large enough that sweeps through the general area and catches you in the back You take– TALIESIN: Oh, wow. That’s a lot of rolling LAURA: Does that drop your invisibility once you’re hit? SAM: Oh, yeah. I think so LIAM: Don’t kill my goblin, Matthew MATT: 28 points of bludgeoning damage SAM: I’ll do whatever you call it to halve that MATT: Okay, so you use your reaction, so that makes it a 14. Go ahead and make a constitution saving throw, DC ten, to try and maintain concentration on Invisibility SAM: Oh, it doesn’t just automatically drop? MATT: No SAM: What kind of check? MATT: Constitution saving throw SAM: Ten MATT: You just barely maintain concentration That was the base DC TRAVIS: You maintain? LAURA: Yeah, she’s still invisible MATT: 15, 20, 25. You still have ten more feet of movement there SAM: Under the bridge MATT: Okay SAM: And– (pained screaming) I’m coming for you, Spurt! MATT: You’re under the bridge now SAM: And then I will press my body to the bridge and bonus action just hide MATT: Go for it. Go ahead and make a stealth check. This is with advantage SAM: Thank jesus! Terrible This is stealth? MATT: Yes SAM: 18 MATT: 18. Okay TRAVIS: Just wait, just wait. Don’t do anything yet MATT: They both saw where you went, but they don’t know exactly where you are That finishes your turn. Caleb, you’re up, if you want to do anything LIAM: Ja, I’m going to lean out. I’m going to extend my middle finger to the giant on the bridge, mutter a few arcane words around my hand, and cast Banishment MATT: Okay. What’s the save on that? LIAM: 16 charisma. Components are an item distasteful to the target MATT: Gotcha. Natural 19 plus five. I’m rolling really fucking good for these guys SAM: Good, that’s good MATT: That is ridiculous LAURA: Big fire giants, they are really– MATT: They are. That’s a plus five– TRAVIS: This is vengeance for the traffic cone guys MATT: There you go LIAM: So for my movement, I am going to just take a step, not back in, but to the side MATT: There? LIAM: Actually, and I will walk– To the other side of the dog MATT: There? LIAM: Yeah, right there MATT: All right. Okay. Is that your turn? LIAM: Yeah. And I’m just looking for Nott MATT: You got it. That finishes your go, to the top. Beau, anything? Are you staying put? MARISHA: I am going to peek around the corner. And I’m going to hold my action to run and grab Nott, if I see her
MATT: To what? To– MARISHA: To run and grab Nott, if I see her MATT: Okay, you got it That’s your action MARISHA: I’ll hold, though MATT: Jester, your turn You doing anything? LAURA: Sure. Yes, I am going to MATT: You’re back in the tunnels, so you have to move out to really get a good view LAURA: Yeah, I’m going to just pop my head and out and see what’s happening MATT: All right LAURA: And I’m going to cast… Jesus MATT: Fjord, you’re on deck SAM: Cast Jesus LAURA: Fuck. Okay I’m not concentrating anymore. I’m going to Invoke Duplicity MATT: Okay. Where are you placing your— LAURA: I’m going to send my duplicate 30 feet in front of me MATT: Right there LAURA: And then I’m going to make her run out and leap over the lava and land on the other side MATT: As it is an illusory duplicate, it does not need to make a check It just appears to leap and land LAURA: And then she’s going to act like she’s readying for the fight and getting ready to cast something MATT: Okay. I will say, make a deception check LAURA: Okay LIAM: Come on, La. Come on LAURA: God fucking dammit. Seven MATT: Okay SAM: I think it worked MATT: That finishes your turn, Jester SAM: Our deceptions are so deceptive MATT: Fjord, you’re up TRAVIS: Yeah, I don’t want to draw any more attention to the cave, because that’s where he’s got to go SAM: Do not. They haven’t found me yet TRAVIS: I’m going to do nothing That’s my turn MATT: All righty. Caduceus TALIESIN: I am definitely not 30 feet away from that big mo with the– MATT: Nope TALIESIN: I would have to get way out there to be 30 feet MATT: You would have to get a lot closer than you are, yes TALIESIN: I am 60 feet away from Nott, however, correct? MATT: You are actually further than 60 feet from Nott TALIESIN: But getting 60 feet from Nott is not– MATT: Not too bad. You can move 15 feet and get pretty close TALIESIN: And then hop back in MATT: You could do that, yes TALIESIN: All right. I’m going to hop out and– LAURA: You don’t know where Nott went TALIESIN: Oh, that’s right. I don’t know where Nott is, do I? MATT: Yeah. You walk out and go– And don’t see Nott TALIESIN: Then I would have just TRAVIS: You going to join me on the nope train? TALIESIN: I’m going to be on the nope train MATT: All right, do you move back in? TALIESIN: Yeah. In fact, if anything– LAURA: You could prep a healing for when you see Nott TALIESIN: Yeah, I’m going to hold a healing spell for– MATT: What spell? TALIESIN: Oh, just Cure Wounds Just the bonus action one MATT: You got it. Okay, now it’s their turn The dreadnaught is going to step off there and use its shield charge against the bridge Stepping forward and slamming into the stone there TRAVIS: But my fake manticore is still flying around! MATT: It is. And there’s a lot of people really confused out by that citadel SAM: (screeching) TRAVIS: Whatever that citadel is We should go attack the citadel MATT: Ooh LIAM: Fuck our culture MATT: The whole bridge comes crashing down LIAM: Oh, man MATT: Into the lava there. This bridge part collapses. Nott, I need you to make a dexterity check. Or saving throw, please LAURA: Saving throw SAM: 19 MATT: 19. You avoid some of the damage You manage to just skitter out of the way So you take half. That puts you at, it would be 14 down to 7 points of bludgeoning damage LAURA: If she would have rolled a one, would she be in the lava? MATT: Yeah. So pushes into this area, knocks the bridge over, continues the movement into that point there. This one here is going to go ahead and move forward SAM: Do I have to make a concentration check? MATT: You do, yes SAM: 18 MATT: You’re fine. And it’s going to use its action try to perceive you. It has no idea where you are That is total– you rolled an 18, right? SAM: I believe so MATT: Still cannot see you TRAVIS: What’s your jumping distance? MATT: All right. Yasha’s turn. Anything? TRAVIS: Negative. Nope train MATT: Yasha’s staying put Nott, your turn SAM: I close my eyes and imagine my beautiful husband waiting for me, needing me, and I run across the lava LAURA: No
SAM: With my ring of water walking MATT: Okay. You can do it. You can You run across. (burning) SAM: Not right at the giant I’ll go around in a– LAURA: Can you leap on the crumbled bridge parts? SAM: Sure, I’ll try to leap on some rocks MATT: It’s up to you. Are you going to try and leap across? SAM: Are there chunks in the water? MATT: Yes, there is one chunk here that is splashing and hasn’t sunken in yet SAM: All right. I’ll do that MATT: All right. Go ahead and make an athletics check, we’ll say, just to try and– SAM: Just a check? MATT: Yep SAM: Ten MATT: That’s fine. That’s the base you needed (swish) Making it across this way. As you rush across, though, the movement catches its attention. It gets an attack of opportunity on you. However, it’s at disadvantage on the attack. So that would be 17 to hit SAM: My armor class, as of today, is 18 TRAVIS: Because of the level up? SAM: Yeah TRAVIS: Oh my god MATT: As soon as you rush up and leap in the air, it sees the push off of rocks and backhands with the hammer, and as it swings out you pull your legs up and it just barely (swoosh) misses from beneath your feet as you tuck them closer to your chest and land on that rock piece there So that’s (counting). You can attempt one more jump SAM: Absolutely MATT: Athletics check SAM: Less. It’s nine MATT: Nine. (burning sound) So the good news is you don’t (splash) into it, because lava doesn’t really work that way However, it’s a lot of fire damage Yeah, I’m trying to remember where that is TALIESIN: You get to keep moving though, right? LIAM: This is what happened the last time we went to the Underdark TALIESIN and MARISHA: Yeah! MATT: Yeah, it is TALIESIN: Man, you had to regrow a leg MATT: That’s right! MARISHA: Oh my god, it’s going to happen again! MATT: Okay, pardon me here– TRAVIS: What is that citadel? LIAM: It’s just where these people live, man MATT: It’s not in that book SAM: Other beautiful book LIAM: But they are really gorgeous to look at SAM: Chris Perkins, ladies and gentlemen LIAM: Yeah, hats off. Great books SAM: Book designer. Lead book designer LAURA: Lava fire damage is what you’re looking up right now? MATT: Yeah, it’s all good Thank you, Google LAURA: I remember this being ludicrously horrible MATT: It’s pretty bad. It’s pretty bad TALIESIN: It’s going to be fine LIAM: It took several days of Pike giving me good mojo to heal LAURA: And that was before we did the full lava damage MATT: On page 249 of the Dungeon Master’s Guide LIAM: Holy shite SAM: Did Chris just say that? LAURA: Yeah MATT: Bless you TALIESIN: Monster! I got a plan LAURA: I got a better plan TALIESIN: I got a plan. Everything’s going to be fine SAM: Sure TALIESIN: I got a plan LAURA: Do you have the ability to roll back time? TALIESIN: Yeah TRAVIS: (singing) If I could turn back time TRAVIS and MARISHA: (singing) If I could find a way MATT: All right. Your foot hits the edge and just skips. You fall back and land and hit the lava on your back and legs The ring keeps you from sinking into it, so I’m not giving you full submerged damage, so you don’t take the full 18d10 (shocked screaming) LIAM: Don’t you take my goblin mom away! TRAVIS: 9d10? MARISHA: Yeah, is that 9d10? MATT: It is TRAVIS: (chanting) Ones! Ones! SAM: If he rolls a one on all of them, I’ll be okay MARISHA: Are you full health? TALIESIN: No LIAM: It’s going to be around 45 MARISHA: Because you got baseball-batted TRAVIS: He’s counting LIAM: What’s your full HP? SAM: I’m not at full HP LIAM: Oh shit. It’s got to be low then to survive that MATT: 48 points of fire damage SAM: Can I use my whatever it’s called– Uncanny Dodge? MATT: It’s not an attack SAM: It doesn’t work. It’s an effect MATT: You can’t really dodge the fire TALIESIN: Here’s the thing though: I am holding a healing spell for the second I see him MATT: A Cure Wounds which has to be up next to him TALIESIN: No, Healing Word. I’m so sorry– MATT: You said Cure Wounds earlier– TALIESIN: I meant the 60 foot because– I was trying for the 60 foot range. I am so sorry I said the wrong thing because I was not running out there. I was going for the 60 foot range SAM: He did say, “I’m within 60 feet of Nott.” MATT: I’ll allow it, all right. I need you to make a constitution saving throw please SAM: I mean, I’m dead, so– TRAVIS: You’re unconscious SAM: I’m unconscious MATT: Oh, you’re unconscious? Oh, okay
TALIESIN: So the second I see– MATT: The second Nott falls, you see a burst of fire and Nott’s unconscious body is currently in flames TRAVIS and MATT: Becomes visible TALIESIN: The second Nott is visible, I cast Cure Wounds. I cast Healing Word. I’m so sorry MATT: All right, so go ahead and roll that TALIESIN: I don’t have to roll it MATT: That’s right, because you are a grave cleric TALIESIN: You are 17 points up SAM: Oh MATT: You’re also on fire SAM: Oh great TRAVIS: 18d10? What is the matter with you, Perkins? Didn’t you know this moment was coming when you made those rules?! MARISHA: Blame Perkins for everything TRAVIS: I get that lava is dangerous, but fuck! LIAM: So what I did last time did not work so I am going to change tactics and I am going to cast instead Polymorph on the same giant– MATT: Okay, on the big one? LIAM: Yeah MATT: What are you polymorphing them into? LIAM: A giant octopus MATT: Okay. So that is a what? LIAM: 16 wisdom MATT: 16 wisdom. That is a 15. The large giant suddenly turns into a large octopus LIAM: He has a movement of ten MATT: I will say for the purposes of not having a giant octopus thing, we will just use that for now SAM: It’s actually pretty close MATT: It’s aquatic in nature. It suddenly (wet impacts) and is now trying to pull itself forward on its new cephalopod body So that’s your action, Caleb LIAM: I’m going to move back into the– nope. I’m going to stay right there MATT: Okay, that ends your turn Beau, you’re up MARISHA: I was holding my action to go run and grab Nott MATT: So as soon as that happened, you would be (counting) 35. So you move up with your action You haven’t grabbed yet. That was your holding your dash MARISHA: I’m going to grab flaming Nott MATT: So you reached down and the flames are burning your hand. The heat is causing the skin on your face and arms to begin to bubble from just the sheer intensity of it. As you reach down and pull Nott’s flaming body up from the lava, Nott, your eyes come open at that moment and you realize you’re on fire, but Beau is holding you SAM: (screams) MARISHA: Through the flames. (screams) MATT: You’re going to go ahead and–? MARISHA: Dash back. Step of the wind! MATT: Well, you still have a movement and your bonus so it was just your action to pick up– it’s half-speed to drag somebody with you so you move 20 feet (counting) and then you can move (counting) 15 to get Nott into the tunnel MARISHA: And then I stop, drop, and roll with Nott MATT: Okay. That would be your next turn because that was all your actions left LIAM: That was a lot TRAVIS: That was amazing. What are you talking about? We’re fine MATT: Jester, your turn. You see Beau suddenly rush in and drop to the ground and Nott is on fire MARISHA: Are we both on fire or– MATT: Nott currently is the only one on fire but you do take five points of fire damage just from the proximity of reaching out and grabbing Nott’s body MARISHA: Sure LAURA: Okay LIAM: Caleb’s standing like a doofus because he didn’t want to leave Nott so he’s still out there TRAVIS: Kill that fire giant with your duplicity LAURA: Yeah! I’m going to run up with my duplicate and cast Inflict Wounds at 3rd-level TRAVIS: Kick him in the shin LAURA: Just kick him! LIAM: Just make him mad MATT: Go for it. Roll for an attack MARISHA: Come on! Yes! TALIESIN: This is not a bad idea MARISHA: You are their god! LIAM: To keep it occupied: the octopus is going nowhere LAURA: 17 plus eight. 25! MATT: That hits. Go ahead and roll damage LAURA: 5d10! Oh! 30?! (counting) 36 points MATT: 36 points of necrotic damage. As your duplicate rushes forward and reaches out and grabs the knee right in front of the storming fire giant. You watch as the surge of divine energy goes from a blue to a green to a black and as it pierces the knee cap and shoots up the leg, the giant just howls in extreme pain and while it was currently focused and reaching down for another boulder while watching Beau carry Nott away, it suddenly drops the rock, grabs its hammer, and looks down at your duplicate, furious LIAM: Ooh, meniscus tear MATT: All right, that finishes your turn, Jester? Is that your turn? LAURA: That’s– yeah. I mean, that’s all I could do MATT: All right, Fjord. Anything? LAURA: Or– no, that was my action TALIESIN: I mean, you could grab Caleb I don’t know TRAVIS: No, Caleb can walk his happy ass inside No, Fjord is doing nothing MARISHA: Let’s bounce
TRAVIS: Fjord’s doing nothing MATT: Nothing? All right. Caduceus? LAURA: Heal Nott or put the fire out or something You guys can put the fire out on Nott at least SAM: (screams) TRAVIS: I thought you put it out? Oh yeah, I will run over and pat the fire out MATT: Okay, you use your action to put the fire out on Nott MATT: You’re just watching. “You got this.” TRAVIS: Yeah. You good? MARISHA: Looks fine to me TALIESIN: I’m holding Stone Shape MATT: You got it. That brings us to their turn This one is going to– LIAM: Ten feet of movement! MATT: No, just up there and then dashes LIAM: What? Okay MATT: It’s still not in range but it’s curling over the ruins of the bridge Your blink dog gets into your space there Now at the end of Polymorph, it doesn’t get a saving throw, right? I don’t believe LIAM: I don’t think so. It’s just that unless it gets hit MATT: Yeah, that’s what I thought it was Okay. All righty LIAM: Lasts for the duration or until the target drops to zero hit points– MATT: Right, it’s just concentration. That’s right. Cool. The other fire giant is going to– it does not discern that this is an illusion and just spends its turn with two giant hammer swings towards your illusory Jester just through it with no effect. Angrily swings again No effect. Definitely knows it’s an illusion now but wasted its entire turn doing that. That being the case, it’s going to go ahead and move (counting) 20. The thing sinks into the lava and its feet (sizzling sounds) into it. Doesn’t matter. It is now starting to step out of the lava. Has one leg up and its hammer ready, and it’s just steaming towards like you like an angry freight train. That ends their turn. Moving forward, Yasha’s up. Anything? TRAVIS: Yasha will put her hand on Fjord and hit healing hands, giving him seven hit points and yell to Caleb: Caleb! MATT: All right, Nott’s turn SAM: (screams) Am I on fire? MATT: No. Fjord has put the fire out SAM: Then I will stick my head out through the door and shoot a crossbow bolt at that giant that is stalking my friend Caleb. Not great. 16 MATT: 16 misses or it hits but it hits the plate armor in its chest and just ricochets off SAM: I shoot him again. Bonus action Not great. 17 MATT: 17. Actually, it hits the armor and gets stuck but it didn’t pierce enough to actually hurt the giant SAM: Okay. That’s it MATT: All right, that finishes your go. Caleb, your turn LIAM: For an action, I will disengage and juke left-right and run into the hole TALIESIN: The second Caleb is through the hole, the stone is sealing. The entire door is gone It’s just rock again MATT: The entire door wall closes off with five feet of stone TRAVIS: Five feet is not enough We must keep running MATT: As soon as that happens, you’re like, “Awesome. All right, let’s go!” and you hear (pounding) from the back. The stone is already (cracking) TRAVIS: Must go faster MATT: All right. You guys go running and running You hear the impacts from behind get more and more distant as you feel like you’ve managed to safely make your way beyond this strange encounter from the outskirts of this unknown fire giant citadel And that’s when we’ll finish tonight’s episode (cheering) LIAM: Chris! Join us at the table TALIESIN: Dude! Come here TRAVIS: Holy shit LAURA: Oh my goodness gracious CHRIS: Somebody wrote a poem for me: Here lay the chunks / Of a kobold named Spurt / He beat his skunks / So they wouldn’t squirt. / He feared no foes / And snacked on scat / But against a giant’s blows / He soon went splat (cheering) MATT: Who sent that? CHRIS: That was Dusty Patron of Hugs, @geonerd LAURA: That was lovely MATT: Well done. Well, thank you guys Thank you so much Chris for jumping in LAURA and TALIESIN: Yay! TALIESIN: That was such a surprise TRAVIS: Fuck you and your magma damage 18d8. Oh my god MATT: Just to remind everyone: we are taking a week off from Critical Role next Thursday and Talks will be off on that Tuesday the 12th so we’ll be back the 14th at 7pm here LAURA: Also, poster and prints in the store now Art prints. I’m still talking like Jester and we still have our awesome shirt SAM: But Talks is going to be on this Tuesday? MATT: Yes, this Tuesday but not the Tuesday after But yeah, we’ll see you soon enough. Until then,
we love you guys, have a wonderful week, and is it Thursday yet? Good night TRAVIS: Oh my god [no audio] [music]