– I’m so tired of talking about Liz Whoa Lies ah Liza, lies ah Liza lies (both chuckle) I can’t – My god, well, we should have just known all along – Oh, my god (Kelsey laughs) Come on Let’s go! – Here – Oh, my god, I love you Mm – I love you too (crowd cheering) Hey, I mean it – You do? – Yeah I mean, you’re smart and you’re beautiful, and I love how you’re just game for anything I love how I feel when I’m around you I love you I love you – I love you too, Josh That’s why I have to tell you this: I’m a 40-year-old mom from New Jersey – I totally know how you feel Sometimes, I feel like I’m a 90-year-old fisherman in Japan – No, I mean it I mean it I’m not in my 20s, I really am 40 (crowd cheering) – Liza, get in here! – Oh! – Where you going? – What are you gonna do? (audience cheering) (upbeat music) (phone rings) – Liza Miller – I knew it was you What the hell’s going on? – Well, after I found out my husband was having an affair and gambled away everything we spent our entire marriage building together, I figured, “Hey, what do I have to lose? “Nothing.” So I lied about my age It’s not a crime, Cheryl – Well, it’s maybe a small white-collar offense But the real crime is that no one will give a 40-year-old woman a chance to start over again – Exactly – Isn’t life just one big confidence game? I mean, sometimes I think, I control huge budgets for this massive media company, and half the time, I don’t have the vaguest idea what I’m doing On the outside, I pretend that I do, but on the inside, I just feel like such a fraud – I know exactly what you mean – Well, you actually are a fraud – True It’s pretty stressful Thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice – If this is about the book, I haven’t made my decision yet – I’m not here as an editor I’m here as a patient We have doctor-patient privilege in this room, right? – Well, I can’t testify against you in court if you kill somebody, but Oh, come on – Nobody at work knows this, but I’m not 26 I’m 40 – Okay Now I’m interested – So now I’m at Empirical, and I have to make myself invaluable before anyone figures it out and I become a think piece on Slate – Liza, why did you tell me all of this? – A woman at a rival publisher knows She’s blackmailing me, again She threatened to tell you if– – So you wanted to beat her to the punch – But also, this situation that I’m in– – Lie – This lie is an asset I have lived this book, twice The first time, I got a great job, a husband, and a kid during my peak fertility years, and it blew up in my face But now, I get another shot at my 20s Nobody understands the importance of your book more than I do – I will tell you what, I’m gonna sign with Millennial – Really? Dr. Wray– – On one condition: I use you as a case study I know how to keep a secret Nobody knows who that sample chapter is about, and she is one of the world’s highest-paid musicians – The girl who kept getting into no-criteria relationships, who channeled her heartbreak into her work Oh, my gosh, is it Tay– – Sorry, doctor-patient privilege You know, I actually admire you It’s a completely ludicrous idea, and you are pulling it off (bell buzzing) (upbeat music) – Hey, hey Do you mind if I piggyback in? I’m here to see Liza Miller – Oh, that’s my mom She’s not home – Sorry, that’s your mom? Liza Miller is your mother?
– Oh, god Please don’t tell me you’re her new boyfriend Hey, Fowler, it’s Thad Can I get your password for the Dartmouth website? I need some dirt on an alum (keyboard clicking) Thanks, man. I’m in Damn – You two again The Frose is amaze, am I right? – Emily, you should totally come to our Millennial party tomorrow night – I’d love to I couldn’t get into the Surf Lodge party Hey, sorry if the EW story made things complicated with Colin – It’s all good – I wanted to write more about you two, but I had the hardest time finding any info on Liza – Oh, yeah, I don’t have much of an internet presence – Yeah, you really don’t (Liza chuckles) – Well, actually she does, if you look really, really hard enough You know, actually, I do want to try one of those Frose things – I’ll go get it Someone’s got to save our seats Vultures are circling I’m coming back – Oh, my god Does Kelsey not know? – Not know what? – Okay So your real age is like a secret-secret Liza, I know you’re 40 – What? Um, why would you say that? You know that I went to Dartmouth with Marta Been Deerslayer Um, we ran into each other at that assistant’s mixer – She only pretended to recognize you that night The truth is, she had to go through the Dartmouth alumni directory to find you And she did (Liza sighs) But like, way back in the ’90s – Okay, look, I couldn’t get hired as a 40 year-old and I was desperate to get back into publishing – Oh, my god, don’t worry Marta took a job in Houston, so we’ll never see her again, and I am like a steel trap Your secret is safe with me Thank you – Hey I texted you, like, three times I’m sorry to just come by, I couldn’t stay at Colin’s for one more Are you okay? – Kelsey I have to show you something This is my daughter, Caitlin – What? – She’s in college And I’m not 26 I’m gonna be 41 in a few weeks – I don’t understand – Then let me explain I was alone, on the verge of bankruptcy, with a daughter in college and a deadbeat husband who I finally got the guts to throw out the door I worked at Random House right out of college for three years before I quit to raise Caitlin My mom passed away that year, and my daughter needed me When I was ready to go back to work, no one would give me a chance, literally nobody Maggie had this crazy idea that I lie about my age on my resume I was so desperate, I was ready to try anything There were so many times that I wanted to tell you, but then we started Millennial, and I knew you needed me to be the person you believed I was Sometimes, I believed it myself I know it was selfish, but the longer it went on, the harder it became to tell you the truth – Why even tell me now? – Because I couldn’t keep deceiving the people I love most And, Kelsey, next to my own daughter, and Maggie, you’re the most precious thing in the world to me (upbeat music) – Liza Miller, right? Jay Malick We met at Bonfire? – Right, hi, Jay, from Macmillan Hi – You are embarrassed because you never called me back – Oh, no, yes, maybe I don’t know You know, but I’m happy at Empirical I was just having a bad day that day that we met – Hey, may I? Um (cellphone clicking) (cellphone rings) There Now, I have your cell You know, we don’t have to talk about our jobs – Right, I look forward to that Thanks. Bye – Come on, Mom, the line’s too long I’ll deal. Did you pay? – Wait, “Mom”? – That’s her name for me, Mom, because I’m always mothering her
Wear your scarf, eat your vegetables Oh, how we laugh – Yeah Okay, I guess she’s not going to introduce me I’m the daughter Caitlin – Hi – If we don’t get a move on, Mom, I’m going to miss my train (Liza chuckles) – I am confused – Oh, geez, gosh Look at the time You know, it was really nice seeing you again, Jay – Okay, well, yeah Well, you know, we should talk I’ll call you – Oh, absolutely, great, yes – Okay, nice to see you – Great to meet you (Liza sighs) – So yeah, 41 Class of ’96 – Well, here’s to you – Don’t congratulate me It was a mistake (Liza sigh) People find out and then it’s leverage – What do you mean? – I’ve been pressured before, blackmailed – Oh, my god What kind of crowd are you running with? Oh, publishing, right, yeah All right, well, look, I won’t tell anyone – As long as I– – Nothing No You don’t even have to be nice to me, all right? You can get up, throw a glass of wine in my face, and leave, and I will not tell a soul I’ll eat your entre, but I will keep your secret Hey, look, I’m one of the good guys In fact, the only thing bad about me is that I walk around saying things like, “I’m one of the good guys.” I’m sorry – Well, thank you (cellphone buzzes) – Excuse me Yes – Charles This is a witch hunt I’m being tried in the public square! – Edward, I’m sorry We are all being held accountable here – After all our years together, you at least owe me a meeting – Of course, happy to meet with you, anytime – Your office, tonight I think you’ll be very surprised by what I have to tell you This isn’t over, my friend, not by a long shot This accuser is a woman I met at a fantasy convention who’s been trying to shake me down for years This fan says I grabbed her ass during a photo, but my arm is actually around her lower waist And this one has absolutely zero credibility – That’s Liza – We did some investigation She represents herself as a young woman in her 20s The fact is, she’s a divorced 40-something housewife from New Jersey – What the hell are you talking about? – Oh, you didn’t know? Birth certificate, marriage license, bankruptcy report The woman is a con artist I would never have asked her to be Pam Pam if I’d known So, what do you have to say about that, Charles? (Edward chuckles) – Oh! – Oh, my god – Oh, my– – Are you okay? – Oh, my god I’m fine, so sorry Let me just get my stuff – Uh, here’s your license And here’s your other license That’s crazy You’re basically living a double life – I see it like this: The world is ageist, and until that changes, I can’t play by the rules – So true You are clever – I have to be I have a daughter in college to support – And no one has found out? – Uh, well, let me just say that I wish I didn’t have to continue the charade, but I have to to keep the Millennial brand intact – Wow You are my hero – I am nobody’s hero I’m a fraud But you do what you have to do Caitlin, it’s time I told you something I knew we needed that sambuca – I have been secretly dating someone too My boss – Your boss? Where? Maggie said you were a task rabbit – What’s a task rabbit? – I panicked, okay? But I’m not the one on trial here – The truth is, is that I’m back in publishing – Oh, well, why didn’t you just say that? – But I had trouble getting a job, so I lied about my age – Okay How old do they think you are? – 27 (Caitlin laughs) – You’re messing with me – I’m not – Uh, have they seen you in daylight?
– Look, I’ve been wanting to tell you, but– – She didn’t want to burden you Plus, she thought you’d blab – I love everyone at Empirical, but this opportunity it was too good to pass up They’re giving me my own imprint – Right Chicky – I know it sounds silly, but the name grows on you – Yeah, it sounds like beach reads with hot pink covers which is fine, it’s just not you You have a more sophisticated taste How much are they offering? – It’s not about money – Okay, so what is it about, because I’m having a hard time understanding why a young woman with no prior experience would leave a thriving imprint that she helped build from scratch just as it’s about to blow up, and so far you haven’t given me a compelling reason – Because I’m not a young woman I lied about my age to get my job at Empirical I’m in my 40s – Oh, my God Why? How? – I needed a job And this was the only way that I could get one But if I stay at the company, it endangers your investment It’s fraud, and now you know The optics aren’t good – Neither are the optics of firing someone who was fighting against ageism And that’s if it even comes out – It’s gonna come out – What does Chicky plan to do about it? – They’re gonna bury it – I’m gonna do you one better I’m gonna celebrate it – What? – Oh, god, did you not read my book, Liza? You embody every single CLAW principle You’re gonna be talking about this on “The View” and “Ellen.” This is gonna be huge for you, and for Millennial – And for your book – What? I didn’t even think about that – CLAW chapter four: “Have a great idea, let them think that it was theirs.” – Ah, see? Then you already know I’m not gonna let you go – I think it’s wonderful that you’re so friendly with your ex’s girlfriend – Oh, well, what are you gonna do? In my circles, men are always running off with their 20-something assistants – “20-something”? That woman isn’t 20-anything – I don’t know what you mean – Well, I scanned her license when she registered as a guardian – Sorry, I’m confused – Well, I’m not supposed to share this sort of information, but – Everyone, I was so looking forward to being here tonight with my editor, Liza Miller, who I put my absolute faith and trust in as I was writing my first book Some of you know I’ve been working on a sequel, and I have to admit, it’s been hard avoiding the sophomore slump Just found myself writing the most cliched story The heroine, the long-suffering wife, returns from a writing sabbatical only to find that she’s lost her husband to a young assistant I don’t think it’s any secret that my writing is somewhat autobiographical, so imagine how stunned I was to learn that the truth is much more dramatic than anything I ever could have written, ’cause the truth is, the young assistant, this assistant, is not the 20-something she claims to be Liza Miller is 42 years old, and she has been lying shamelessly about who she is for years – God, this woman is deranged Forgive me, Charles, but I cannot just stand by and let her slander us like this – Diana, don’t– – Pauline, you are the only shameless liar here – Diana, wait – You are a sad and petty person, simply jealous of the person that you ex-husband fell in love with How dare you? How dare you besmirch this young, innocent woman’s name? Have you no decency?! We are officially withdrawing you as our debutante Sash, please – Diana, it’s true It’s all true Diana, wait – You stay the hell away from me Diana! – Hey, don’t push it – Diana